BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Who Will Remember Me?

Lori's latest article is very thought provoking! It really gives you an answer for those folks who insist you "leave a legacy". I thought you guys might like a link to it.

Who Will Remember Me After I'm Gone?

Very interesting. I like the part where she says that people are treating children these days like deities. Although I would have to disagree as to when that began. I think there was a cultural shift sometime in the late 70s/early 80s that started with pop psychologists like Dr. Spock. Basically, sometime in the late 20th century, psychologists really harped on bad parenting for the failures of our adulthood (or maybe it goes back to Freud). That's when it became utterly important to pay the utmost respect to children, thinking that it would somehow prevent Sally from becoming a sociopath. Abusive parenting as a term was broadened to include any kind of slapping or corporal punishment, so much so, that parents these days are in total fear of being turned into DCF, even when Sally is throwing dishes at the wall. Sad thing is, that kind of thinking is what helps children become bad adults. I also like what she says about the ego. I've always felt that having children should be a "consequence" and not an objective. It sounds really, really strange in this day and age to say that - and I'm sure many people will throw their fists at me, but I think "chance" is what makes better human beings. Because if you knew your parents planned you, then you started out being the center of their universe. That leaves you at a disadvantage, especially when you find out you're not the center of "the" universe. Chance is akin to non-ego (ego drives human objective). Or - Maybe I'm just twisted or something. ;-) But, think about it...200 years ago when there wasn't such a thing as good contraception (except abstinence), people had children left and right. So many they couldn't remember their names. And those kids were born to milk the cows. Not to be the dazzle in their parents' eyes. They were conceived by chance (and some long winter nights). Those kinds of people became more productive, more realistic, more ambitious... Now? Lazy kids make lazy adults. Anyway, that's my rant.

I really like what you say about chance. That's a very interesting idea and it rings true. We need to have choices, and carefully consider our choices, but when planning is linked to a fantasy of achieving a "perfect" family, a perfect life, things tend to go awry. I do think children as expression of ego leads to spoiled kids!

HEAR! HEAR!

Lori, I think you said it better! That is exactly my point. Planning is one thing. Fantasy life is another. It's amazing how certain circumstances, no matter how crazy they might be, can build a person's character. Of course, what I said is probably contrary to a person's plan to not have kids. But, at least planning to "not" have kids doesn't mess with anyone's life but your own.

Having a child is not a ticket to immortality. You have no assurance that your child will have a child - even if they do, the most you are going to be remembered for is two, maybe three additional generations - by your grandchildren, if you have them, and possibly by your great-grandchildren, if you live long enough to see them get to mid-childhood. If you want people to remember you, it will have to be because you did something/contributed something extraordinary to the world, beyond just procreating.

As a parent I loathe what the dear Dr. Spock turned the parent/child relationship into. It no longer became acceptable for us to teach our children respect - we all of a sudden had to teach them "self-worth".

Please do not get me wrong, a child should know love and self worth, but in a healthy family - they would get that anyway - but in the correct proportions - not this "oh, everything you do is wonderful" type of praise that the "experts" want us to teach.

I watch "American Idol" and wonder at the number of truly horrid people that get up on that stage and sing in front of the judges and think "have they never listened to themselves?" and then I hear their parents backstage backing them up going "but Sally is a wonderful singer and Simon just doesn't know what he is talking about." - and then I know why they are getting up there and humiliating themselves. Because they have never gotten a true dose of constructive criticism in their lives.

It is for this reason that we have loads and loads of mediocre folks in the workplace that do only what they can to get by, and very few that truly stand out anymore. We have been raising a generation of adults that feel they are entitled to anything they want because they deserve it.

great post, michelle.

Absolutely.

I've gotten into genealogy these past 6 months. I love the stuff - such old gossip to spread around the family Also, a lot of forgotten history. Generations back, I had an ancestor who worked the Underground Railroad. Also, a branch who were Quakers. We have a common ancestor who bred several distinguished branches with the last name "Lee" - as in Robert E. Lee. Thing is, until the last 6 months, when I started rooting around and researching, nooooo one knew about that history.

I sometimes think it a bit ironic: an adamant CFer who is interested in families and inheritance. But, perhaps it is because I am CF and have LOTS more time to devote to it than my childed family members that I am able to resurrect all these lost and forgotten connections. That might be my bit of immortality: not breeding a new generation, but reviving the history of the generations that came before us. But, once my siblings - now of an age that they are, or could be, grandparents - are gone and their grandkids are old (something that will occur in about 60 years), I doubt if the current generation is remembered. Unless someone is interested in taking the family history I'm gathering and is willing to maintain it. That's a crapshoot right there.