BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids is it me or do alot of husbands....

Yes, I hope husbands do change their minds...from wanting kids (for all the wrong reasons) to NOT wanting at all!! That is anyway what I'm hoping will happen to my husband...Just like I changed my mind... I thought all my life that I wanted kids, I could have swore I wanted, and then last year I realized I wanted to be part of the CF community. So if I changed my mind, I that wanted them so badly, my husband can change his, he that has always been un-passionate about them.

Hi Cassie67- I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I'm afraid my husband and I will be there in a year. You are very brave for standing your ground- even at 40, you might be able to have a child for him if you wanted to, but you know what you want out of life. His friends are trying to get him to leave you? You know, I've heard that lots of (exhausted, crabby) people with kids try to convince others to have them too. One of the posters here always replies with, "Why? Because you guys make it look so easy and fun?" I think parents want company and people to share with because having kids is SO DAMN HARD. Your husband will find this out, and from the way you describe the fact that YOU raised the dogs, it had better be with someone who really wants to raise his kids and do most of the work herself. Because it sounds like he has been little help in raising the family you two did have together. Keep the faith, girl. My Mom used to say that in this big, big world, we probably have 500 soulmates out there. All you have to do is find another 1 of them. The odds of that are much higher than your being happy with a child you didn't want.

Hear, hear, Virgo Girl. That's the other thing a lot of husbands do- not only change their minds, but with that, pretty much have no idea what caring for a child actually involves and assume their wives will be doing 90% to all of the child rearing for them. It's like when a kid begs his mommy for a puppy and then she ends up being the one taking care of it. (Sorry, but I'm in an especially cranky mood today.) But I do believe your mom is a wise woman - there is someone out there for us who feels the same way and it's far better than having a child = living a life you don't want.

VirgoGirl: Thanks for your kind words. What your mother said is great too. I really don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I am happy without a man around but I want to share my life with someone. At night I want a good guy to cuddle up to and feel peaceful with, one who accepts me for who I am and thinks I'm just great. Don't we all.... Actually I am 43 now, and I could maybe have babies if I wanted to (the big IF), but I don't have regular cycles anymore and I don't even feel like I ovulate either. We don't have money for fertility clinics and in vitro. We don't have extra money for ANYTHING with this economy. Gosh, both of us were out of work last year and I am still out of work for over a year now. I don't want to bring children into our life's mess. The idea of working on our finances for a couple of years and then looking into adopting an older child was shot down when I suggested it. My husband wants to raise children without the finances to back him up, and he wants his OWN babies. I'm sorry, but that is selfish, and I won't get pregnant just to keep him around. Another thing that is scary is the medical risks to myself and an unborn child at my age....down's syndrome, autism, etc. etc. To make things more interesting, my paternal grandmother had her 5 kids all after the age of 40, and every single one of them has mental illness! God rest my father's departed soul, but he was a paranoid schizophrenic. I just don't want to leave these things to chance, nor do I want to be walking around with a cane when my kid graduates high school! To me it is selfish to impose old age on young adult children, when instead of them living out their life as they see fit they may have to visit you in a nursing home. Did I mention that my energy level at 43 is not what it used to be when I was 30? I have nothing personal against Facebook, but since my husband got a page there over a year ago he has not been the same. Talking to all of his long lost friends who tell him to just "go for what you're looking for" has really influenced my husband's decision making process. His friends' opinions shouldn't matter on such an important life issue, but with his immaturity I am sure it has made a difference. It really hurts me to know that he prefers the idea of making "babies" to having me as his wife. He may or may not find another suitable person in the future to do this for him. Which leads me to... Periwinkle: Oh yes, I am sure my husband thinks that a wife should handle 90% of the work in raising a child. After all, he has to WORK full time. That is the excuse he gives me when I tell anyone that I raised our dogs pretty much myself. Our agreement prior to getting the dogs was that he would take the nights and weekends and I would do the rest, which in itself is a big job. Do you think he held up HIS end of the bargain???? And soon I will be leaving MY dogs, like losing him is not enough. Good luck to the next woman that gets him. He will probably get dumped on his arse after the babies are born when she gets sick of his baloney. He'll be on the outside looking in and paying child support and seeing his kids once a week. How's THAT for a family unit??? Gee...do I sound a little cranky? I'll put my chin back up in a few minutes...I promise :)

I'm so sorry, Cassie. Your post sounds like you've really thought things through; you have covered every argument I would have had against trying to get pregnant and more. The longer someone waits to have children, the less time that child has, as an adult, to enjoy their parents, so he really isn't doing these kids any favors if he has them. You need to remind yourself that he is just unhappy with himself, and keeps looking for external factors to make him happy. I have this bizarre hobby of looking up people on Craigslist for my friends to date (I know, but surprisingly, they enjoy it). I am amazed to see SO many people on there touting their never married, no kids status. So they are out there! I also think it's okay to hate him a little.

Cassie, I wonder if what you said is true about your husbands feelings having changed for you years ago...for another reason? Anyway, It's good to see you have the self respect to stand your ground and not put yourself through physical, emotional, and spiritual turmoil just to keep someone who cannot accept you as you are. I wish you the best.

For YEARS I thought I was a FREAK for not wanting to have children. Most women I know either want the family or already have one. Now that I think about it, my husband probably thinks that I am a freak too. Until I found these forums just recently I still believed that to a degree. I had no idea that there are so many women out there who don't want to have children. I guess we are an elite group....LOL! I have a couple of friends who are older than me who are sorry they had their kids, and they think I have my head screwed on straight by not wanting any. It's nice that my mother supports me 100% in my choice not to have kids. My sister has 2 young boys and I love them, but when I see what my sister has to go through raising those boys, forget it! LivingDeadCupcake: You are right on the money. My husband has had low self-confidence and wasn't very happy with himself for a very long time. That is quite evident in all the irresponsible and immature stuff he has pulled on me through the years. Now he is feeling that if he doesn't do this now, to leave me and persue his dream of having his own family, he just won't forgive himself. He doesn't want to die with regrets. Oh, pulleeeeez..... Yadda, yadda, yadda. He is definitely looking for external factors to make him happy and he is probably in for a big disappointment. When I asked him what his time frame was for his quest on getting that family.....5 yrs? 10 yrs? He said as long as he has "swimmers" that work he is going to try to have that family. What the HECK does THAT mean??? He'll keep trying when he is 60??? He just wants to serve his own selfish purposes. I don't think he makes any sense at all.

misstalia: To be truthful here, I turned my husband away in bed because I didn't want to get pregnant and I didn't trust birth control. Then he fooled himself into thinking that he didn't want kids too for a period of about 6 years, and he refused to get a vasectomy when I requested it. Our intimate time was very infrequent. I think that had a lot to do with why he doesn't desire me anymore, and he also admitted to me that when I told him 16 yrs ago that I changed my mind about having kids (2 weeks after the wedding), I hurt him terribly and he took me off the pedestal he had me on. I fell from grace....LOL!!! In my recent reflection about who I was as a person all the years of my marriage, I came to one startling conclusion......if I had married a more mature man with self confidence and a sense of direction in his life I probably would have had at least one child, maybe two. Because my husband did not provide a stable environment for me to be maternal, I switched off my feelings to accomodate the situation, and after a while being CF was just who I became. I refused to subject innocent children to a life of poverty or irresponsible, unprepared parents.