BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce Fairy Tale Expectations

Do you think the fairy tale "happily ever after" creates unrealistic expectations of marriage? Can it be a contributing factor in a divorce?

I don't know about the fairy tales, but differing expectations of the marriage can definitely lead to divorce. I thought everything in my marriage was perfect, I had not been in very many good relationships, so I was happy. He did a lot of things for me and I never said thank you. He tried to talk to me about it, but I put my head in the sand because I was too busy worrying about my job. We did not have kids. He wanted to spend time traveling and money was not as important to him as it was to me. I never thought it would end in divorce because we didn't fight a lot. I was wrong, it ended in divorce and now I am alone.

I think those television shows, 'Bridezilla' or the fantacy wedding deals contribute to a lot of the younger divorces. There is all of this effort to plan a perfect day and not to say a wedding shouldn't go romatically, but it's just one day. It'll be forgotten by most of the attendies by week end and real issues will set in within the year if not sooner.

False pretenses, people being something they're not just to land a husband or wife is up there and I think just not seeing being with another person as that. Respecting them, long-term just like you would a best friend or politely, holding a door open, listening to them, walking with them, even when things get tough or your're restless, etc.

I've found it's the little things, miniscule even, that actually hold any relationship together and lonliness that tears the very same apart..

Yes, I think that unrealistic expectations often play a part in relationship breakdown and divorce. Whether they are "fairytale-like" or not, expectations can threaten marriage.

My favorite fairytale was Cinderella and I suppose I always yearned for my prince to whisk me away to a castle in the clouds. But I saw too many real life marriages that weren't "happily ever after" and they did NOT end in divorce so I guess I expected there to be bumps in the marital road.

Friends I know DO have unrealistic expectations and have divorced because of them. One woman divorced twice after the initial thrill is gone. She equates love with the thrill of infatuation, never staying long enough to experience deep, satisfying, devoted love. Another woman thought that marriage meant both partners would be blissfully happy doing everything together, compromising with a smile. She interpreted his wanting separate time as incapatibility.

My husband and I are not completely compatible and that has caused us to work a little harder, not at being more compatible, but at being more accepting that it is okay to be very different and still love and respect each other. We finally realized how harmful it was to expect to achieve some "ideal" when neither of us is an "ideal" partner. We settle for the wonderful achievement of still liking and loving each other--most of the time.

I think what alot of people realise is that after the thrill is gone if you want the relationship to continue you actually need to work at it. Work to know them as a person, a seperate entity from you. Work t share your life with them and vice versa. It works both ways. My friends are at an age where they are all beginning to marry (I am 26, married for three, together for 9) and I have said the same thing to each and every one of them: Communication is the key! Talk about problems, talk about thoughts and dreams. Where you see your life going and work towards the common goals and support eachother in their dreams..

Ladies

Thank you for the excellent posts.

Tryn2cope - I am very sorry for your experience. I wish you happiness in the future. I am sure your post will help someone else.

I believe that communication is key to a good marriage. Marriage is definetely a partnership full of compromise.

You also need to be comfortable in your own skin. Trying to be someone else is not fair to you or the other person in the relationship.

Marriage is very important. I was married for 31 years and then decided to get a divorce. I thought I would be married to this man forever, but we grew apart and I was taken for granted. Never let this happen. I wanted more out of life than what he wanted and the communication stopped. Now, I'm married to a wonderful man and we are both mature. We both know what we want out of a marriage and we both work at it so hard. We know from our past marriages what we don't want and we don't take each other for granted. He treats me like a princess and I treat him like a prince. WE have a love that both of us never knew before.

No matter what is suggested via TV, movies or in books, we are responsible for our own choices and to either work hard to make a relationship last or to know when to walk away.

I think that in today's books and movies, there is a lot of content I do not agree with. For example;

Little Mermaid original ending was she died because she loved him too much to kill him.

Today's Disney version- ALL IS RIGHT AND ALL IS BRIGHT additude which really isn't realistic. Not everything has a happy ending. Conflict is part of life.

There's fairy tale expectations and there's also the fact that most of us grew up seeing our parents' marriage, and those of our other close relatives. If you don't have any models of how healthy marriages are supposed to be, then you really are entering into your commitment blind. I can't say I had the fairy tale expectations because most married couples I knew (and still know today) are unhappy, but I come from a culture where divorce is still stigmatized. So most people stay together because of societal expectations, and there's no love or even commitment to making the relationship better. This is a real challenge for the children of these marriages as they try to keep their relationships together.