BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Importance of family for hubby

Well, my husband and I married three years ago. We had talked for the years before we married and had both agreed that we would start our family young (24/25) due to my type 1 diabetes and other issues. We wanted to have the family done by the time I was 30. I was never really sure if a family and children was what i wanted. As a child I had always been squeamish around children and had wanted a life for ME not little people that I would have to care for for THEIR lives. I wanted university and dreamed of one day accepting my doctorate. I still dream of this. I knew that my husband would want a family of his own. He comes from a family of 6 siblings they are catholic. I told him though, that I may get to 25 and decide that I dont want children. He said that he understood and that it was me he wanted not any ideals he held on having a family. So we fast forward to a year ago when the choice was taken out of our hands and I was diagnosed with PCOS. Yea, ok relatively easy to treat using fertility treatments. My mother and her mother had PCOS also and my mother conceived with injectable hormones. Me? I didn't want hormones or fertility treatments. Why? Because I also experience depressive episodes and anxiety. When my hormones were originally being controlled by birth control i was a crying mess really. But when i came off them and my body's own cycle of androgenic hormones came into play i found that i I was stable and found my emotions easier to handle. So, i said to him last year: I will not undergo fertility treatments. You can either have a loving, happy wife or you can have a depressed mess while she undergoes fertility treatments, then pregnancy then in the years after ward probably have to take care of the child while she tries to recover from postnatal depression. He agreed: Fertility treatments are out of the question. At the time the idea of adoption came up, but I know in NZ where i live you need a health check by a doctor and I dont know what my health will look like in ten years time, which is when i said I wold be happy to start thinking about it. He was OK with all of this, agreed with my assessment of my body and its abilities. He would forgo a family. Fast forward to now. I feel rather guilty as I think I knew that this would happen. We are still talking about the possibility of no family and I think he is now unsure of what this means for him. I have accepted that he may leave for down the line (long story but he will be moving away in about 6 months time as a career move for two years. I will stay where I am for my studies) I have said that there is a very real possibility that he will grow as a person while there and realize that he isn't willing to forgo a family. And i have said that I accept this. I would much rather that we break up on amicable terms and have him pursue his dream of a family and me pursue mine of my finished studies. I dont know really why Ive written this to everyone here but this is what I am going though right now. Its not easy to think that the wonderful loving man I married may have to forgo HIS dream but then again its not easy to think that he may decide that he wants it and will leave to find another woman he can do that with. Its not easy having to accept it. And I wonder where I found the brave face to accept it.. I guess im writing this as I do feel guilty about the choice that I feel was not really a choice: I dont want children. And I dont think I ever have wanted childern. Even over the eyars when people gave those magical catchphrases: Its different when its your own You'll see in a few years. You'll change your mind. I was very doubtful that any of those things would happen for me and to be honest: I was right.. I still dont want children..

I had PCOS too, I had a really bad case actually, but since the last thing in the world I want is children, fert. treatments didn't even cross my mind. I took Depo-Provera which are birth control injections. There was some progress, but I was nowhere near relief, so I went to a Chinese herbalist. It was the ONLY thing that worked for me. Be true to yourself. If that "I don't want kids" feelings runs deep into your bones (like it does with me), ignoring it would do yourself (and most importantly, your potential child) a great disservice. If it's a feeling that's always been with you, I think that deserves a little seniority, don't you think? But WHATEVER you do, DON'T fall into that trap of listening to that "once you look into your baby's eyes you'll fall instantly in love and be so grateful" or "it's different when it's your own" because those are fairy-tale ideals. Having a child does NOT guarantee that "magical moment" will happen. What if there's the chance you do have a child, look into it's eyes and then it hits you "Oh my GOD WHAT have I DONE???" That's a very real possibility. And that feeling will probably be compounded by the realization that YOU KNEW THE WHOLE TIME that it was a BAD IDEA. Then you'll REALLY be #*(%ed. The thought of him finding another woman who will give him his dream is hard for you...Imagine how hard the thought is to HIM. He's probably dreading the thought of you finding a special bond with another man who has made the same life choices as you have and you're both having a good life together,revelling in your freedom. Once you get into the rythym of your own lives again, pursuing your own dreams, I'm not going to say it'll get EASIER, but it will sting a little less. You need time and distance before you get to that point though. But I have faith you can do it.

If you truly don't want children then there's nothing wrong with that! I think your husband understands at least you wouldn't have any biological children due to your health and seems fine with that. You say you discussed adoption? Is it that you don't want any child (perhaps an older one so skipping the baby stage) or that you naturally don't want to put yourself through fertility treatment/pregnancy/birth and everything that goes with it? If you are ever in a position where you actually want to adopt then international adoption can be a lot easier than domestic. If not, as lots of people have pointed out on this forum, there are lots of things he can do to be involved with kids if that's what he really wants, mentoring, career change etc. As for the time apart it can actually work. I lived on a separate continent to my husband (then fiancee) for a year due to career/uni and I think bizarrely it did us the world of good. We talked every day on skype and all the time just talking, without physical proximity or stupid mundane squabbles over who had to take out the rubbish, really made us appreciate each other and what we had. Maybe just have a good talk about what you both think and feel at this stage before he moves away to see where you both are and what you want from your relationship - I wish you the best of luck.

Thak you both for your wonderful support :) I really dread the thought of choosing to go against my, seemingly, natural desire not to create children of my own and giving in and waking and wondering what became of MY dreams. The thought hf having to raise a child, my own OR adopted, just does not sit well with me. And anyone who has seen me interact with kids can tell you why! Ive just never wanted them. I dont see how they will fulfil my life any more then I can myself and it isnt fair for me to try to let a child do that! See? I cant even think about chldren without thinking about myself first! Hubby and me talk constantly about how the move will affect us and our relationship. We both feel (in a good, happy, fuzzy feeling kind of way!) that it will be good for him and I to do this.. And it is heartening to think that it can bring two people closer!! So thank you for your story, Capybara :D