BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Group Dynamics - I need to vent

I go to a weekly bible study, and every week I leave there thinking I shouldn't bother to go back. And the main reason for this is the fact that all the women have children (younger kids), and I'm the only one there that does not. The group is a bunch of women friends. We rarely stay focused on the study, and it usually turns into a mommy gab session instead. I don't mind the gabbing, but the topics almost always involve the raising of their children, for which I have absolutely nothing to contribute or take away from. Also, during the entire bible study, which is in my friend's home, her many children are constantly in and out, walking around, yelling, fighting with each other or being disrespectful towards their mother, trying to get stuff out of the cabinets and fridge, along with the 3 or 4 kids that the other women bring with them. It turns into a daycare center where the mothers sit around the table talking about their own kids who are in the other room (and sometimes in the same room). It is extremely distracting for something that is supposed to be a "study." Now - if I had children, this would probably be great. But, I don't. So, I have decided it is just silly for me to continue going, especially when I get totally pounded if I make any suggestions or try to contribute anything to their mommy problems. The problem is that I really like the women in the group, and I don't have any other social activities aside from it. So, this is sort of sad to me, especially since this is the first group I've been able to consistently attend for several months now (I have social anxiety). *Almost* makes me want to have children just so that I can participate (NOT). Rarely does anyone pressure me to have kids, but in situations like this, I almost feel like the pressure is greater.

That is a hard situation. Any chance you could offer to host? You could tell your friend that you'd love to help out, and since you don't have kids at home, it would be easier for you to accommodate everyone. Just an idea. The talk will still turn to kids, of course, but maybe you'll enjoy it more without the actual kids being there?

Hi - thanks for responding! I've really thought about that solution, and I think you're absolutely right. I just wish I could follow through on it! That's sort of where the social anxiety comes in...I sometimes shoot myself in the foot, anticipating a "no" answer to the question before I even ask it. With these women, I can see their side of things better than I can see my own. After all, they have all those kids, and what better way to manage them than to put them all together and let them play with each other, rather than try to have a babysitter or husband take care of them? For them, it's so easy to just get the kids in the car and bring them to my friend's house to hang out, while we adults hang out. I can totally see how they would not want to come to my house when there aren't any kid movies, toys, or games. But, that doesn't mean I shouldn't ask. I should just throw it out there and see what happens.

I totally get where you're coming from...Being the single parent of an only child who often acts like an adult is probably a lot like not having kids so I can understand your frustration even though I'm not in your exact situation.

When I talk to other women at the fitness studio where I work, I often feel that is all moms ever know how to talk about. It's like hello, do you have a life outside of being a mom! I think most moms don't.

I don't identify as a mother so it bugs me when all moms want to do is talk about their kids or when people assume that you'll understand if their kids are being rude or bratty or whiney.

Maybe suggest meeting when the kids are at school. Maybe suggest meeting at a place where kids are not allowed (can't think of anything other than a bar, sorry). Maybe keep the friends you like from that group but join another group that does discuss topics.

Finding a group that meets your needs is important. Don't feel guilty about letting go if you need to : )

Love Muffin, I have been there before. My heart really goes out to you. I am also part of a ladies' Bible study group where almost all involved are moms of children 3 years and under. The studies are monthly and are hosted at a different house each time. The study environment usually depends on whose house it is. If the host has no kids or school-age children -- no problem, we get through an uninterrupted Bible study, because the kids have been left with a sitter. But if it's at the house of a mom with young children -- hold onto your socks -- the whole house will become a kiddy farm and nothing more. We had a study one time where the host had an 18-month old daughter. All children were welcome, so the entire house was run over by babies and children of the same age. The sitter couldn't control all these kids, so they were running all over the house during the entire Bible study. Several of them were even playing in the cat food and cat water (yuck!!!). Needless to say, the study went directly off course and turned into a child rearing/bragging discussion (basically all the moms talking about how cute their kids are). Most of the childless women coped well with it, but not me. I felt horribly offended about this and told my husband about it. He advised that I stir up a fuss about what happened to SOMEBODY. But I knew if that happened, I would lose a lot of friends and be seen as a "kid-hater".

I promise you, if you host the bible study at your house, the parents WILL find a sitter. If you send an invite without mentioning that kids are welcome (don't say "kids not welcome"), the mothers will get the point.

You guys are great - I'm so glad I joined this forum. ExerciseEditor - I'm so glad to hear that not all parents are completely wrapped up in their children, and that some women actually have perspective on the issue and have firm boundaries. I do understand that it's extremely important to be a good mother to your kids, and I appreciate how hard that can be. I'm sure knowing when to apply tough love versus being a softy can be challenging. It's true - these women that I meet with are a little over the top in how they view child-rearing. They *are* wrapped up in their children...it's all they have. They have no hobbies or life outside of their kids and they do not work. It's strange to me that they hardly do anything else, and the one night a week that we can get together as adults, they still bring their kids along, even while their husbands are at home doing nothing. I think that most, if not all, of these women are just "into children" as their "hobby". One of them has worked at a daycare in the past, and another one wants to own a daycare and is always harping on children's rights, etc. I guess it's just a completely different mindset from my own. I was raised by a mother who didn't really plan to have children and basically ingrained me with the idea that having them should be a last resort. And personally, I think her mistakes are the reason why I'm so practical and successful as an adult - because, from day one, I was not taught to cling to her nor was I taught that the world would catch me anytime I fell. My mother was real. I was never the center of the universe. Try telling that to these women and you'll get stampeded. To them, children are the be-all and end-all to life's existence. beth_m - That is exactly how the bible study goes, except that the kids range widely between 3-15, so the interruptions range from kids bringing in salamanders and insects from outside to show the group, to young teenagers making faces behind their mother's back and receiving phone call after phone call, to toddlers needing help to use the potty. It's a very small apartment where we meet, so it easily gets chaotic. And, just like you, if I say anything I will be viewed as a kid-hater, which is absolutely not the case. I just think there's an issue with boundaries with certain people. Whether they have kids or not, that's just how they are.

I'm almost in the same boat as exerciseeditor, but a little different. I was married twice have 3 kids. My 2nd husband and I were separated for almost 10 years until we got back together a year ago...so for that time I was a "single" parent as he lived 400 miles away.
Now don't get me wrong love my kids, but I have always hated sitting in groups where ALL the parents had to talk about were their kids as though there was NO other conversation. Once in awhile is ok, but I always crave adult conversation. While I never regretted having kids and glad that I did...that does not negate the fact that I totally agree that some parents do tend to go over board so I can definitely feel your pain.

I have a best friend...married w/ kids and those kids are her total life. OMG...she has to take them to school everyday (why cant they take the bus), pick them up, spend all afternoon and most of the evening with them...totally plans their day from sun up to sun down..and that is all she does and all she talks about. thier activities, their diet, their blah..blah...blah... argh...so while I said she was my best friend...actually we really haven't spoken much in the last 6 months because of her total obsession on talking about her kids, then expects me to be the same way...arghhhh. I keep saying why dont you take a day and do something just for YOU...

I applaud all women for taking a stand for what they believe in, how they want to live their life...I think that's so awesome!!! I can only imagine how painful it would be when you marry someone who at first is in total agreement then flips the script on you. I certainly hope it works out for everyone in a relationship like that and you need to know that you are not alone and I certainly hope it works out for the best...but remember do what's right for you! There are a lot of us that are mothers, but we totally understand...totally get it...and totally wish you the best!
I hope I didn't offend anyone in my rants, I just wish you all the very best.

Hi Dianne - Wow, that's amazing that you were separated for so long and then rekindled your relationship. Kudos! I can't guarantee that I will never have kids...I did try once, but it ended in miscarriage. I think it was a phase I went through - prior to that, I didn't want any - couldn't understand why anyone would want them. I really bugged me a lot and still kind of does. I started to look into it...wondering all the time what I was missing. I asked around and read books to try and understand why everyone wanted kids. Then I started to understand the beautiful relationship that develops, in spite of the challenges, etc. My husband and I decided we "should" try - because I thought it would be wonderful to have a little one just like him (he's a fantastic guy). Then I got pregnant, but it turned out to be a blighted ovum. And after the miscarriage, I absolutely did *not* want children. I didn't want to talk about them, didn't want to look at them. Just totally disinterested. It was like a switch had turned back to off. Growing up, I've always leaned away from having kids. My husband never really thought about it until he met me, and whenever I would ask him, "so do you think we should" there was always this great big pause, and then he would say, "Maybe someday." I'm 35, and he still says that. For me, having children is more of a thing I would do just because I was curious. Which, in my opinion, is a terrible reason to do it. I have never had any maternal instincts whatsoever.