BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Hubbie changed his mind and wants kids

I've been lurking here for a few months and love the supportive people! I've found my internet home! So tell me what you think: I told my husband before we got married 8 years ago that it was a real possibility that we wouldn't have kids. He didn't care at the time. But he came to me last month and decided he does care and that he would like one. Just one. He said he "heard" from me 8 years ago that there was a real possibility we wouldn't, but also a possibility that we would. And now he wants one. He gets sad when he reads Facebook statuses of people who are taking their kids out for the afternoon and starts thinking about the futility of his existence (What am I working and earning money for?, etc.) I asked him if he was going to leave me over this, and he said no. He said he wants a baby because he's married to me, and that if I don't want one, he'll get over it. He said he also thinks about opportunities we would have if we didn't have kids (a better house, more vacations, etc.). I get very upset when he has these melancholy days where he contemplates the whole baby thing, but he doesn't want to talk about it with me because I get so upset. He said he deals with it, and he is hoping for one until I give a final decision. He always tells me it is something he wants to do because he has me, not because he wants to do it. When I told him I was afraid this issue would split us up, he said, "Only if that's what you want." I'm 36, and I think I'm undecided and leaning towards no. I never wanted kids, was never interested in the things you have to do to raise them. I always wanted to be #1 on my hubbie's list and vice versa. If we had a girl, I think I'd be crazy and selfish enough to compete with her for my husband's attention! Is that crazy? A good Mom would never do that! My Mom (who was an emotionally unavailable crabass) is pressuring me as well- she wants grandchildren. She even promised free daycare (which my Dad told me to take with a grain of salt- my Mom has a genius IQ, gets bored very easily and would probably renig on that). My sister is single at 34 and loves her life, so I am the last great hope. I think it would just be a prison sentence. I like to sing and perform, and I was thinking of going back for a 3-year Doctorate in Voice. If I do, bye bye baby. Can I deal with the guilt of depriving my wonderful husband of this? I dunno. Probably as well as he can deal with the fact that he's not going to get it. Am I going to die old and lonely if I don't do this? What if we had a baby and something happened to my husband? Someone posted that they've been on this emotional roller coaster for so long that she doesn't even know who she is anymore. I'm about there.

This really is a tough one. I hear so many people chit-chatting, that if you don't have children, that's just selfish. I'm usually the one to say, "Really?"

Just maybe the person who choses not to have children has a very realistic view of just what child rearing is. Just like getting married, with the beauitiful dresses, cakes, wines and center pieces, well that's just a day in time that people spend over a year impressing everyone they know with. It's the days after the wedding conception that really puts life to the test, not a credit card and catering.

I too had a similar mother - just emotionally detached and for a while I thought, God what if i do that to my own child? I wasn't even certain I could take care of a dog or cat because I wanted the rest of my life to include love, life hope and what all those things could bring.

I have a daughter and what I was afraid of was just that, what I was afraid of. It didn't have to be how my parents were.
And it wasn't, but there are other unexpected things that will always come up, but they'll show you what you are made of.

With what you've shared, I feel as much thought that you're putting into this decision, the others could stand to do the same. You will be primarily doing the hard stuff, physically, mentally and spiritually. It isn't going to be show and tell with only the highlights presented to them, with a "Christmas story" happy ending. It might, it might not.

Whatever it does end up being though, isn't something you can buy at a store and take it back if it doesn't do everytthing you think you should be able to expect from it. It's forever and with forever, it's going to have to be the good stuff. The good stuff the hard stuff is made out of.

People change all the time as they grow. I'm sure what you stated and he excepted was fine at that time. Your both were so young 8 years ago too young for such a decision but it was yours to make and his to except. Except that you left the door open for him to look in with Hope rather than making it clear it would be NO. Now as he is experiencing life and thinking he might be missing out on something he is wishing and feeling you out to see if maybe you have also had some new views on the matter.

No one will ever know exactly how they will be as a parent till they actually are one. You can think what kind of a parent you will "be" forever but it never comes into play till you actually are. It's a personal decision to become a parent and only you can make it for yourself.

My feeling is that if you aren't sure you want children, do not have one out of guilt. Because as much as I wanted children, sometimes after I had them, I didn't want them. I know that is awful, and I am a good mom. So I cannot imagine how I'd feel if I did not really want a child and had the child out of obligation or guilt... The bad days of parenthood can be worked through, when you really wanted the child.

Sometimes I think I want a kitten, but then I remember they become cats, aren't so cut anymore, and they stink. I know this since I have a cat now. lol I don't want more. I know that, but sometimes the kittens look cute.

Same with babies, they look cute, are lovable and wonderful, but they're not like that every day. You have to really want one and really be committed to do it.

It is SELFISH to have one when you're not sure. I don't know why anyone ever says it's selfish NOT to have one, that's silly. Having children is one of the most self absorbed, selfish acts I ever did.

I wouldn't focus too much on what your mother thinks about it. Try and focus on you and your husband since you are going to spend the rest of your lives together. I'm in a similar situation with my husband so I understand what you are going through. What helped us somewhat (not a definite solution) is that he started doing volunteer work. He works with a young boy that's 9 years old and who doesn't have any male figures in his live. That way he still has a child in his live to do stuff with and he can also see what it's like. Also, for him it's important to keep planning stuff for the future. If we are not going to have kids, what will we do? We are, for example, now thinking of opening a bed and breakfast or hotel in the future. Dreaming and thinking of this gives a different view from the future. One that looks appealing as well. Keep talking to each other. That's always best.

This is a tough situation! I was in the same place with my husband a few years ago and we decided not to have kids. There are days when I am sad about the decision though, and I'm sure I'd have similar days if I did have kids! Your decision is personal. If you let other people guilt you into having kids, you will regret doing the things you thought you wanted to do before you had them. Still, I firmly believe that having kids is not an all or nothing proposition! I meet many grad students who have young kids, so your wish to return to school can happen either way.

Just make sure your heart is in the decision. You are at the age where many of your friends will be discussing their young children. Your husband is seeing this on Facebook and feeling he might be missing out on something. Just remember that people generally post the most positive events of their lives, not the daily tasks necessary to bringing up small kids. For example, my friend with a new baby says he hasn't had more than 2 solid hours of sleep per night since:) And also remember, kids grow up and leave the house very quickly. They are not always going to be a part of your life 24/7. If you have dreams of pursuing your art, do it, whether you have kids or not. There always comes a time when you just have to be solid, happy and satisfied with your self, outside of all your relationships.

Thanks so much for your support, everyone. At 36, I still have a bit of time left to think about it. As for the PhD thing, I suppose people do both, but it's probably amazingly difficult. Most of the time, hubbie is fine with the way we are and has good days. I always forget that people tend to post positive things on FB about their kids and that the day-to-day stuff about raising kids gets left out. I have one life, and only two-thirds of mine is left. I only want it to be a happy one.

WHOOOAAAAA!!! :o I'm in the SAME situation as YOU ARE! No joke! Well, except for 1 thing: your husband claimed to have changed his mind, MINE LIED TO ME. All that time I thought he was agreeing with my choice, it was found out later, he was "just saying that" in the hopes I would change my mind. I made it ADAMANTLY CLEAR while we were dating that future w/me would be childfree and he pretended to be fine w/it....Shyeahhh. What a crock of sh... Anyway, as far as "depriving" your mother and husband of the "joy" of kids, I'm not sure you realize how unfair THEY'RE being towards YOU. I too was THISCLOSE to making the same huge mistake: A)having a kid and B) having one for the wrong reasons. I love my husband dearly. I love him so much, I don't want to deny him anything I can give him. HOWEVER, GIVING IN to his wish for children would fly in the face of my (personal) standards, values and principles.(I'm essentially being asked to sacrifice who I am, and that's a sacrifice that a spouse has ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT asking. It's unreasonable and non negotiable! period!). So, not only would I have to sacrifice something that should never be asked of another (identity), asked to DO it primarily for the approval of another (also an unreasonable expectation) I'd also have go through the burden of carrying the baby and all the other delights of pregnancy hell, and (given the way my household is NOW, where I do all the cooking, cleaning and decision making...odds are I will ALSO BE THE ONE stuck with) having to do most(if not all) of the RAISING! THINK ABOUT THAT ONE for a minute. Sounds more like martyrdom than a "selfless sacrifice" doesn't it? Light years away from a win/win. I disappointed the hell out of my mother when I broke the news that, unless there's an act of GOD, she'll never be a grandmother.But she rebounded pretty quickly. Telling me that, on some level, she already knew."You never liked kids when you WERE a kid" she told me. As far as your husband, that's very poor, passive-aggressive behavior. Mine is the same way. Saying he's "dealing w/it & hoping you'll come to a final decision" means that he's holding out for an answer HE WANTS (which, hint, is for you "to come around" and change YOUR mind) I know because that's what mine is doing now. Your husb. fawning over baby pix, then clamming up when you walk in, then not wanting to talk about it? It's because he already knows it will be moot, but pours some hot coals of guilt over your head to remind you that the subject, moot as it is, is still on his mind. Or perhaps testing for your reaction, checking to see if you've "come around" yet, and, not liking the response he sees outta you, clams up. I know because I'm living through this NOW. I wish I had good news or a solution, but since we're in the same boat practically and I've been living w/this dilemma longer than you have, I don't forsee any good outcome. EVEN IF 1 of u were to "change their minds". If 1 of U were to "cave" to the other's desire, it's going to potentially backfire, building up some majorly deep resentment for the other. If he decides to stay childfee for you, at some point in time(perhaps when he's reached midlife, or after your egg carton runs empty) the desire for kids may overcome him and may possibly lash out at you. Perhaps feel like he missed out because you decided to be selfish by DENYING HIM(which is NOT TRUE, btw!) If YOU decide to have a kid FOR HIM (or your mother),what if motherhood is too much or something you're not cut out for (not everyone IS you know), or the excitement and support of your family wanes in proportion to the difficulty of raising your child? What will you do then? How will you deal? Who will you turn to THEN? It's not like kids come w/ a reciept *lol* The closest thing you'll get to that are stretchmarks *LOL* Like the old childfree saying "It's FAR better to regret NOT having kids than it is to REGRET HAVING them". There's a chart graphic abt having kids, where 1 side addresses the central arguments pro-kids & on the other are rebuttals that shut them down pretty effectively. Many of the reasons you're struggling over RIGHT NOW are included in this chart. The chart is in the center of the page and is titled "Why breed?" www-dot-vhemt-dot-org/biobreed-dot-htm I've observed that, the majority of the time, when ppl think of having kids, it's a concept in human adult life that's taken completely for granted. If asking someone else why they want to have, most likely you'll get a preprogrammed response *lol* "It's just something you DO. Grow up, get married, have kids!" No one really gives as much deep thought about this subject than us childfrees do, if you think about it. Chances are, the reasons your family have for having kids are weak and lame, rooted in ego and insecurity(perhaps even the very NOVELTY of the idea!), but perhaps hard to detect under a mountain of sentimentality, hard-wired biological impulses and non-stop nimd-numbing societal conditioning. If your husband's anything like mine, he wants kids for the wrong reasons. When I see him coo over a cute kid, he gawks the same way a boy does over a puppy. When he talks about having kids, he ONLY talks about the "FUN" parts. Which to me is a red flag. I mean, if the way he copes w/"grown-up stuff" NOW is escaping to the TV and/or playing video games, imagine how much WORSE it'd be once a kid starts to NOT be so cute and sweet anymore? I shudder at the thought...Yeesh!!! He has all the makings to be a PERFECT big brother but a FATHER??? noooo! There was a time I was even tempted to bring in a baby simulator (or even borrow a real one)to give him a real idea of what it'd be like to have a baby around, but I knew it would backfire (he'd hand the thing off to me whenever it cried or got poopy or fussy *lol*)So, what can you do? As far as I can see, you can either hunker down and have a no holds barred "once and for all" conversation with him(but ONLY do so if you're prepared for the worst)OR do what I'm doing and forestall the inevitable. But take it from me:I don't recommend that *lol* And I also know from experience: the notion of "no decision is better than the wrong one" ONLY applies to HAVING KIDS, NOT when figuring out what to do w/your marriage!I know, living in this state of limbo is very nerve-wracking .If you feel this way and he feels that, you're in a standoff basically, and sadly I don't see any winners here. Him waiting for you to change your mind makes as much sense as you waiting for him to change his(or in this case, CHANGE his BACK!). And if you might be feeling your opinion/choice is invalidated and belittled by him waiting for you to "come around" and change your mind, then imagine how he might be feeling (though I feel you're more justified to feel that way than he, since it's he who's changed the rules , sprung this on YOU).Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

Holy [censored], CactusHeart! Your post really hit home, for so many reasons, but one highlight (I'm off to work now, more later): About the video game thing- my husband is an AVID World of Warcraft player. I wonder if he thinks he'll be able to keep doing that if we have a baby...

Hi CactusHeart ~ my gawd, you hit the nail on the head! Many good points. Good for u 2 do what YOU believe in - and that's NOT to have a kid 'cause someone else wants U 2.
I admire you for having a strong mind (reminds me of - ME). I was fortunate in that no one ever tried to talk me into procreating. 'Guess they all knew it was no use.

Got a baby picture in the mail today from some folks we know ~ I glanced at it and put it aside. DH looked at it and said "isn't that a cute baby." (- just to bug me, lol) and I said 'whatever'. I am simply NOT INTERESTED in ANYBODIES bebies...

A lot of our friends have grandkids and the same applies......

cp