BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting i hate this

From the other side of the equation, I always try and put myself in my partners shoes (he's step-dad to my 18 month old boy). I always worry if I'm making him feel excluded when I have to tell him I don't agree with his parenting; I want him to feel like an equal, but at the end of the day, sometimes, I have to step in and say "look, I'm his mum; I know you have the best intentions at heart, but I have ultimate responsibility for him." It's not easy on either side, but I think the key is communication; explain to your partner the way you feel and see how he responds. At the end of the day, the number one priority of any parent should be their child, but their partner comes in a VERY close second; remember that you're not inferior to his daughter, and you shouldn't have to suffer. Talk to him and try to work something out. His_Einna

jeannie - wow, i could have written that myself!! am almost in the same shoes as you... i've been a step-mom for 3 years now and i actually dislike it more now than i did when i first got married. this is my second marriage, i have no children of my own and my stepdaughter is 14. i met her when she was 10 and not a very pleasant child... when i met her she was the most spoiled, catered to, whiny kid i'd ever dealt with. i couldn't believe my wonderful husband could have co-raised such a little heathen and that neither parent had given her any boundaries. i had a serious talk with him and he let me teach her things such as using a knife and fork, saying please and thank you, etc... seriously, she did not know the basics. i also taught her to make a bed, play tennis and cook. She respects me which is really nice, i do admit. anyway, i put alot of time and energy into someone who i now resent! as time goes on, i want to be around her less and less. i had no idea this was going to happen and now i dread it when she comes over. i don't want to be around her anymore even though she's a pretty good kid. in fact, she follows me around and i have to lock myself in my room to get a little privacy. and like you say, one week it's normal and the next everything shifts. i hate that. for me, it's as if i'm married to 2 different men as my husband acts differently when she's around. it makes me so mad... i realize he needs to spend time with his kid, but i end up feeling like a stranger in my own house. i don't know where to go or what to do. i feel like the third wheel even though he tried to make me a part of things. most of the time i'm not interested in what he proposes. i used to go with them but now i've cut back. i shouldn't feel obligated. he acts like her playmate instead of her father and the last thing i want to do is go out with a 14 and 48 year old kid. sorry not to be much help, because i don't know what to do either, but at least you're not alone. and i'm not either!!!! if you come up with anything good, let me know cuz i feel like a crusty ole cow myself... and if i come across any insights i'll be sure to share.

Sandrake, wow, someone like me! It's been a refreshing experience to know I am not alone, I wish I'd been back sooner to the forum... Let me know how you are going if your still around! Things are going on waves for us, up and down, up and down. Jeannie

Oh Sandrake, you've made my day! I feel EXACTLY the same as you! Also to such an extent that I feel like SD is the "wife" and I'm the "kid" in DH's eyes. She gets all the loving words ("honey, sweetheart" etc) and I'm just plain "M" (my name). I also feel like DH is different when SD is around (she's 18 and studying in another town, but still in the same Country). And keeps on phoning dearest daddy and then it's "sweetheart" in the front and "honey" at the front the whole time. I used to want to spend lots of time with DH, but lately I just feel like he must do whatever makes him happy. Couldn't give a damn if he goes out and does his own thing. I actually appreciate my little bit of "me-time".

Don't hate yourself for the way you feel, as step moms we all go through the same feelings. I just went through a very rough patch with my DH and 2 step sons that I swore I wouldn't make it through. This weekend, we have my 2 boys and his 2 boys and its only Saturday and I already want to strangle all 4 of them. The oldest SS has a behavior disorder that will make you want to pull your hair out. Welcome to the club my dear. All you can do is love them. They're children, and while they can be sneaky and manipulative, we have to be the adult and take control. And I know it can feel impossible, but you can do it. Plus, you have a wonderful support system here.

Hello my friend! I've been off for a while. Is your hubby still up to his little way of treating the daughter with all the affection? My DH and I hit a very rough patch and began to split up. Since then I've gone back to work with one of the local police departments and things have turned around in a major way for me. I feel so liberated! It is almost as if I have the upper hand now. While I'm still battling the feelings I harbor for the oldest SS and the ex wife, I feel like he has a little more respect and love for me. Now if I could convince him to please move us from directly across the street from the ex and step children, I would be more than happy! Lol! I tried to PM you, but couldn't. Send me a message and let me know how you are!

Hey friend! Tried to send you a PM, but it says it's disabled? DH still talks all lovey-dovey to SD when she phones him (she's studying in another Province). But she's coming back home for a month as from next month onwards - really dreading that time, 'cause I will have both SC with me then. I read about your rough patch on my other thread and couldn't help but to wonder if you were OK?! Glad to see you're back online again! I think your DH should really wake up and MOVE AWAY from his ex (I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like to live across this woman). Take care, hun! (((HUGS)))

hi everyone, I too am trying to write PMs here but it is disabled. if anyone knows HOW to do it, please explain! I need to SHARE/VENT. I relate to everything here. I have a 23year old SD who now lives with her mother only 30 mins away and she used to live with ME and My husband (DH dont know the code?) from age 15-17 at which time she dropped out of high school and went back to live with her mother in a "fit" because I have RULES. My husband supported me and they did not talk for almost a year. We have a 7 year old and there is a 16 year gap between the SD and my son. The SD does NOT visit my son but she is kind when she sees him on holidays but she lives right near us and works in my husband's medical office. The SD has been through 3 different colleges and a few graduate courses and will NOT complete anything. She also has a low life boyfriend who also works part time at the medical office and lives with his MOMMY at age 26! it is disgusting. Both the mothers and father cater to thse young adults and enable these ridiculous behavior. My husband actually took the SD and boyfriend to DISNEY LAND all expenses paid 2 weeks ago. I refused to go and took my son to a nearby water park and had a blast. this is the MAJOR PROBLEM, my husband STILL PAYS THE SD 'child support" each month $1500 even though she is NOT in school and working at age 23! she works for him 15 hours per week! she is in perfectly good health and is not impaired aside from being spoiled. We have tremendous debt and i am not 'allowed" to say anything about the "child support" continuing as he feels is it NONE ON MY BUSINESS and that i am jealous of her. To be fair, my husband takes care of all of my financial needs and our son but he is in major personal debt. I feel extremely angry that he continues to support her and the dead beat boyfriend and he will get into a RAGE if I bring it up. ALL of the nurses at the office see through the problem. She now want daddy to pay for her to move to Vancouver with boyfriend and just take a few classes and NOT WORK. It is getting absurd. He has serious issues with her and with money and I insisted he go to counseling with me. He does nOT want to go but i am insisting. he is such a NARCISSIST that he will not admit to contiuining the child support or he will make up a lie so he will not "look bad" to the therapist. I am not sure what to do as we are going tomorrow night. He is completely shut down. Of course we have major issues and it is not just the SD but she is a core issue for us. Should step parents accept NEVER asking questions about money and step kids? Isn't our money too? Should we NEVER get involved at all with adult step children. I have known her for 8 years and I know that i am NORMAL and have healthy boundaries. I am raising a kind, responsible and very smart son. I will read any book and I am completely open to learning. I do think of separation because of his rage/anger and money issues but there are also good things about my husband. I am very confused about what to expect after 8 years of marriage. I do not want to interfer but this young woman has NO self esteem and no direction and NO PARENTING. She does like me but she would never follow anything that i would suggest. I work and i have my own business but it does not seem to rub off on her. She wants some kind of weird life. Futher there are NO savings or trust funds and he is an older father so when he passes she will have NOTHING. I do not get it. Does anyone have experience with overly pampered, spoiled, unconscious Step children? Do we say NOTHING??? PLEASE HELP THANKS . Sarah

Sarah, to be quite honest, your SD is and will continue displaying this behaviour because this little biatch is manipulating her father so badly. I'm in a similar position with my SD. I honestly feel like I'm just around to wash, cook and clean and to meet his needs. I don't rely financially on him, as I have my own salary to look after myself - I'm not even inheriting anything if he dies one day! Everything goes to his kids - and basically it's his kids from his first marriage. It honestly feels like my son and I are not needed in his life. I take care financially of our son. He hardly ever gives a cent towards his upbringing. But if dearest SD phones, he's quick to just hand out money left, right and centre. I'm really getting to the point where I feel I can kick his as*!

Happy mothers day to you my friend! I'm having trouble with the PM's. My email is allie_d@vzw.blackberry.net. Email me any time. Right now I'm going thru some tough stuff so I'd love to hear from ya! These men just don't realize how much they hurt us sometimes.