BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids I don't want kids, my husband (probably) does

First of all I'm so glad I found this forum - I've yet to meet anyone else who has definitely decided against having children and was starting to feel like a freak! Basically, I'm definitely decided against having children - I adore children, I spend my life working with children but the idea of coming home to my own just depresses me. I don't like very young babies and the whole idea of pregnancy and childbirth completely terrifies me. I already have a pretty serious phobia of hospitals and however much I try and convince myself I could cope and it's only nine months I think I know myself well enough to know I couldn't do it and I would end up seriously resenting both the child and my husband. I'm happy not having children or, if I were to change my mind at a later date, adopting much older children. My husband however has very different views. He knew I never wanted children even before we started dating but I think he always thought I would get over it. When we first started going out he definitely wanted children and would talk about it all the time and just laugh when I said I didn't want them. He now realises I'm serious and every time the subject is raised he either claims he doesn't want children (which I don't believe)or refuses to discuss it. We truly have a wonderful relationship and I can talk to him about anything - except this it seems! What makes it slightly worse is that his family is from a very traditional/Catholic background (he's not Catholic)and assume marriage and kids go hand in hand. We're going to be moving to his country soon and I am absolutely terrified that one day I'm going to fall pregnant despite all precautions. If I ever were to be pregnant I would want an abortion but this would not be an option if we were living in a Catholic country, as we quite possibly would be, and being forced to have a child is literally my worst nightmare. Sorry for how long this post is but I kind of have a two-fold problem. 1. I don't know what to do with my husband and his refusal to discuss this issue and 2.I'm just terrified of getting pregnant and not having an escape route.

Capybara
You said it! "...I definitely decided against having children.."

Yes, birth control methods can fail..... so get a tubal ligation. It's really a simple proceedure done as a day surgery.

Good luck.
cp

If I could I would! I've raised the subject with three separate doctors all of whom have simply laughed and told me I'm far too young to be considered for that! Basically I get the impression that unless I'm 40 and single or already have about six kids I'm not going to get any help in that department.

I'm lucky I was single at the time I got my tubal at 29. Did you consult a woman doctor? Maybe you should not be married to someone who does not share you views and move on? This sounds like a dealbreaker to me. Good Luck, Tami

Capybara,
Do you mind me asking your age?
How dare those doctors for refusing to give you a tubal.
Keep looking. and good luck.

cp

No problem creampie! I'm 23 so yes, I'm young, but I have never wanted children and actually find it quite insulting that doctors would make sweeping judgements about me purely based on my age and assume I'm too 'immature' to be able to make a decision like that. And as for not marrying someone based on that it was never a massive issue (it still isn't really at the moment.)I'm more worried about the future and if it is going to be a problem later, know about it and deal with it now. I like to think I could be rational enough to realise a marriage with someone who holds completely opposite views to me would never work and if he had come out and told me he definitely wanted children before we got married I probably would have had second thoughts. Children and religion have always seemed the only definite dealbreakers with regards to marriage but I can't get a definite answer out of him! I've raised the subject so many times, including after he proposed, as I thought we should discuss it before I said yes but he just is either non-commital or says he no longer wants children but I get the impression this is to just stop the conversation. It's the few times he gets really emotional (often after being with his nieces and nephews) about kids and tries to convince me it's not that he wants a baby but he wants a 'part of me' and only wants a family because it's with me (frankly this just really irritates me - if he doesn't want a child for its own sake he shouldn't want one at all.) I think he gets stuck on the 'kodak moments' and not the reality of kids. My main problem is I want to honestly get an answer out of him but I don't know how to go about it when he always avoids the conversation. I had a pregnancy scare shortly before we got married and he realised how definite I was in not wanting children and offered to get a vasectomy (apparently doctors think he's mature enough for that decision!) but hasn't got round to it and I don't want to pressure him into it in case at some point in the future we're not together - I wouldn't want to be the reason he couldn't have the possibility of children in the future. Basically I'm looking for advice on how to get the man to talk!

I am kind of in the same situation. I'm 22 and dating a guy that I am planning on getting married to someday. He is ready for marriage-he bought the ring already so I know he is serious. He is just waiting for me to be ready.I admit that I only see the negative side when it comes to kids-like how much work, time, money etc it will cost me. So I think that I am part of the problem. My boyfriend says that he wants something to mentor-I said teach the cat how to behave if you want to teach something. He won't say much more than that. I want to have a serious discussion about kids before I commit to marriage. He thinks I will change my mind which I might. Right now my clock isn't ticking but one day it could. Other than actually planning out the costs & needs of a child as if I were planning to have one soon, or talking to relatives that are parents I don't know how to know if having kids is practical. (Maybe that would put things in perspective for your husband. Whether having kids on purpose or accident, it might be good to know what your getting into. It might be enough to scare you and make you be extra cautious-like getting a vasectomy.) Unfortunately, I have no idea what costs & risks are associated, how to calculate having to quit my job as a factor, or possible permanent damage to my body etc. There is no undo button once the kid is here so it's either yes or no. I don't know if this reply helps you much though.

Thanks for your thoughts aw21 - it's always good to know there's someone else in a similar position! I guess kids is the one thing you can't compromise on; he wanted dogs, I wanted cats so we have one of each but there's no 'half-way' point in having a child. I think it might partially just be his Catholic, family-orientated background making him think he wants/needs children and in all fairness he would be a great father - I almost feel guilty in not giving him the chance. The only stumbling block to this is me! And to be honest all the rational arguments wouldn't work with him. We're in the very fortunate position of having no student debt and both have good jobs so, whilst we would be starting from scratch financially, it would be do-able and I know his extended family would always help (part of the whole Catholic 'every child is a blessing from God' rubbish.) That's why I'm so glad to find this forum as nobody I talk to understands at all - my mother tells me I'll change my mind when I'm a few years older, his family look at me like I've grown two heads when I say I don't want kids! It's very true what you say about having no 'undo' button - however much you are around kids to 'try it out' the final question is whether you take the plunge and have one or not and after reading so many posts on this forum it's just scary how many women didn't really want children but had them anyway and didn't magically become happy about it. I don't think calling yourself 'part of the problem' is at all true. There's no 'problem' with not wanting children as long as he's ok with it. Just be honest with him and try and make him take you seriously when you say you are truly unsure about having children at all - not just unsure about when. And you're certainly on the right track with wanting to talk seriously before marriage. I tried and it didn't work but I'm now really wishing I'd forced an answer out of him before getting into this position. We're so perfect in every other respect I'm just terrified of him finally telling me he definitely needs children five or ten years down the line because I know it would be a deal breaker to me. Good luck!

[quote=Capybara]My main problem is I want to honestly get an answer out of him but I don't know how to go about it when he always avoids the conversation. ....Basically I'm looking for advice on how to get the man to talk! [/quote] I have the same problem and I found best to leave it alone for now...you can't force the issue on him, let him come up to a decision on his own whenever he's ready. I know it's frustrating but instead try to concentrate on your relationship and enjoy his company. Just be aware in the back of your head that one day he *might* tell you he decided to have kids...it's a possibility with my husband but I concluded that I rather take that chance than break-up with him and look for someone else. Good luck!

I second gullivera, and have said this before. Why assume the worst will happen? The worst is the relationship ending, right? Well, if you leave him now, then you're guaranteeing yourself the worst situation. If you stay, you might get everything you ever dreamed of!