BellaOnline Forums Relationships Domestic Violence sick of people treating me like im stupid

its alomost five years since i left my ex that i was in a domestic violence relationship with for 19 years. i endured 19 years of hell and was aware that it was a domestic violence at the time but stayed because i had 2 children and also was not aware of the help i could get until not long before i left. i also learned a lot of things about DV that i wasnt aware of after i left. i know all the signs and will never put up with that again. ive been in a great relationship for nearly 2 years but when anything goes wrong people want to jump to the conclusion this is domestic violence it really makes me feel that they have no confidence in my own judgement. and they think im stupid and in denial. its a very equal relationship in every way. i am not controlled, or threatened, im not yelled at, in an arguement im usually the only one that yells and it feels good that im not too scared to express myself. none of the DV signs are in this relationship. only thing is sometimes when we drink we have an arguement and sometimes we might get rough example i threw a glass of wine in his face and he pulled my hair. and the arguement isnt carried on we usually forget what we were argueing and carry on with the night. and i laugh bout it the next day. this is no way to me domestic violence and im really sick of people expecting it is because ive been there before. does anyone else this problem and how do i deal with it. its really frustrating.

I'm sorry but if either one of you are getting "carried away" then you have a DV situation. Perhaps both of you should try some couple's counseling. Hair pulling and throwing wine in someone's face is not "normal".

I agree with Lynn. If you are throwing anything at all at him and he is pulling hair, this is violence. Yelling and screaming at him or him at you, is a form of domestic violence. This DV may not be as bad as when you were with your abuser, but it is still DV. My new husband and I disagree sometimes but it doesn't resort to us degrading each other, throwing things at each other, or doing anything physical to each other. Once one of us seems like we are going to raise our voices, we back away, cool off then try to talk calmly. Perhaps you should rethink what domestic violence is and what the signs are...Here are links to some of my articles that may help....

What is Domestic Violence?
The Cycle of Abuse
Characteristics of a Battered Woman

um doesnt seem that my point got across at all. or what i wrote was even read properly. and i did say things like that happen only when we drink. how ignorant that neither of you would of come to a simple conclusion that we either shouldnt drink together or not drink at all. coz this is quiet obvious. and a simple solution and something that we realise our selves. because drinking is a choice, not something that has to be in our lives, and i did say our relationship apart from that was great. but here we go again jumping to domestic violence and thanks for the links but that proves it wasnt read properly as i said i am very aware of all the domestic violence signs i lived every part of it for 19 years. i trod on egg shells every day, every morning i would get out of bed wondering if i would survive the day. my mind was continuosly controlled on what he would think about every thing i did from the route i would take to where i was goin from who i talked to and even how i dressed and how i walked. i was the more than perfect wife and mother (as i had to be) and my house was spotless everyday and he would come home from work and say in a harsh voice what have u been doing all day and there was no right answer i tryed every avenue and one day i said u show me what i havent done and he went over and rubbed his finger across the top of the door frame (as tht was the only thing he could find that i hadnt done) and said why havent u dusted here what have u been doing all day that u didnt have time do do that. (meaning i must of been scewing around). once i had a tremendous headache and wanted him to take me to the hospital and he didnt want to take me, instead he rammed my head into the toilet cystin. our son came 2nd in his first high school cross country we went to watch, i was so proud my son was so proud of his self and my x said to him who were those girls that called out to u my son said what girls my x said over near that big tree my son said which tree (after all he was running a race not going for a senic look), then my x started yelling and screaming at him that the teacher had pointed out that u had to go past that tree and went on and on that tha my son hadnt listened to tha teacher and made him feel like [censored] instead of the successful way he had been feeling. my ex ruined every special occasion from birthdays and xmas and everything that was meant to be enjoyable. the dear old avon lady came i made her a coffee we were sitting at the table talking avon, cant remember what sparked it he started carrying on and squashed up my whole packet of smokes there right infront of her, she didnt come again and i gave up smoking so that couldnt happen again. but there was always something else, he never ran out of things to humiliate or criticise etc. etc. we had a bbq up the back yard i brought some stuff up and was organising it he told me to go get something for him i said yeah in a sec he dragged me down the yard by my hair in front of our guests and make me do it right now. there wouldnt be enough gig on this computer for me to tell u all tha bad things he did. i am well aware of domestic violence thank u. the links would not tell me anything i hadnt already lived and read. i need no education on domestic violence thanks. And MY POINT in the first place is that some people watch me like a hawk waiting and analizing everything in my new relationship not taking any notice of all the positive and great things. thinking u dont have the ability to see things for yourself they treat u like u are stupid and will automatically be in another domestic violence situation. i am a stereo type. and im frustrated about this and was asking what can i do about it and does anyone else have this problem. thanks for being the same as the hawks. now do u get my point.

Your point is quite clear.

YOU seem to be missing the point that violence is violence no matter what the reason behind it. The fact that you are only violent when you two are drunk does not mean it is not domestic violence. It is still violence within a relationship - that is the definition of "domestic violence".

This is not something you want your kids growing up around and thinking is normal. Yes, you see the solution before yoiu - don't drink, but given your past history it seems you are drawn to men who do not know how to express their dissatisfaction (or you for that matter) without resorting to violence.

Although there was never any physical violence in my first marriage, there was a lot of yelling. In my current marriage my husband and I have had a total of 3 arguments where we actually raised our voices - this is in 9 years of marriage. It IS possible to have a marriage where you discuss yproblems and deal with them without arguing much less yelling or throwing things or pulling hair.

You ask when people are going to stop watching you like a hawk - when you show a history of behaving like rational adults.

well me and my curent partner didn't have as much as a simple disagreement for the first 6 months. we compromised on everything. and that might of seemed nice at the time, it was also very stressful as neither of us really expressed what we really want we found each other just agreeing to the other just so we could please each other and not ourselves. and i say that was very un healthy. people need to express there views and their anger its not good to hold back and let things bottle up. and people need to express their anger to whom it is directed at instead of putting it out on someone else. i found our relatonship grew and was much stronger, once we learned to ague (and no i dont mean big screaming matches) we have learnt a lot about each others needs and now we can truely please each other and we each are pleased at the same time. we both are very happy with each other. he is very loving and supporting and trusting, and also very sweet and has old fashion values like opening doors for me and carrying 10 bags of groceries so i dont have to carry any etc. one of our arguements was coz he used to stress me out when id ask him what he would like to have for tea and and he would always say he didnt know, so i would suggest a few things and he wouldnt want any of them. so once i told him how frustrating that is for me he took over the responsibility for tea to take the burden from me. certain people just look straight through all these great things i really appreciate about him and they want to focus on something he did when we have drank way too much. they ignore the fact that i threw a glass of wine in his face (which im not proud of) but want to condem him for pulling my hair. this is my point about the hawks. theyre not interested how happy i am with someone so sweet they are not interest in the 95% good in him and how happy he makes me they just focus on the 5% flaws. and i know these hawks would of done more than pull hair if someone threw a glass of wine in their face. and since when does anyone act normal or rational when they have had too much to drink. its the drinking that really needs to be focussed on here i certainly say. not the relationship. we ourselves have focused on the alcohol as we usually keep drinking till there is no alcohol left. but have recently halved the amount of alcohol we purchase each time. and sometimes only one of us will drink. and neither of us was pushed into this by the other it has happened naturally and we have both cut down as we have each recognised the problem of drinking too much. why can we see the only problem we have and no one else can. im certainly no victom of domestic violence in this relationship. and cant see how narrow minded people, think that i am.

oh yes and both my children have grown up and have their own lives by the way.

Your point must have been missed but I think you have pointed out your problem, the alcohol, which is used as a crutch by a lot of people. If people, as you say, are watching you like hawks and pestering you about being abused again, are they seeing your behavior when you drink? That may be why people are showing so much concern for you. It may be annoying that these people are judging your current relationship on your past, at least people are still caring. My parents helped me get away from my ex and when I first started dating my now husband, for the first few months they drove me nuts. I can understand their concern, I would probably do the same thing if one of my kids went through what I went through then got into another relationship. To answer you, I think a lot of survivors go through this especially if the new relationship shows even a hint of trouble. I think it is our natural instinct to protect our beloved family and friends.

finally yes. this is what i wanted to know. thankyou. but these hawks are a variety of people some who just never gave him a chance from the start. even in the first six months. and i dont think their motive is caring i think it more to break us up because some would just pick at him for rediculas things like my ex had picked on me, not things that were wrong but things they would try and make look wrong. eg when with my ex we went for a family walk we were walking along happy and my ex noticed i had my hands in my jacket pocket as i was walking. he yelled at me and carried on about it and made really feel like i had done something wrong. and i know it is no crime to have my hands in my pocket but he was very convincing that it was a really bad thing to do. thats what theyre like and i havent asked anyone else to love him just to respect that i do. but now there is something they can clutch onto its like a jackpot to them. and they wont give up on it as they have been waiting so long.

If you are so sure about your relationship, i wonder, what are you doing here? If you don't want other opinions,don't expose yourself.Every time we say something openly,there will be thousand opinions and every one with a different "judgment" and way of view.You are disturbed by that % that does not agree with you.Well,you are not going to change their position.Forget it.Are you happy with Partner? GOOD! Are you happy drinking?Not good but it's your business.If your conduct(both) is ok for you,GOOD!If not, seek help.Profesional help and stop wondering!!!