BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Need to vent about adult stepdaughter

Hi I'm new here. I really need to vent about my adult stepdaughter. She is 24. As my user name suggests I am indeed frustrated and fed up with the BS. Her father and I met in 1991, two years after he and his wife legally split (step daughter was 6 when we met). We have always gotten along fine, even though I have no children of my own (nor did I ever want any). Fast forward...SD dropped out of high school at age 16 and despite my strong objections, her parents did not force her to return to school (lived with mother in another state). SD got pregnant at 19 and just had another child this year (now has a 5 year old and 4 month). She is with the father of the kids. SD has worked a total a 6 months her entire life (no exaggeration) and has no concept of what work is for all intents and purposes. She was incredibly spoiled by her parents, obviously. Anyway, SD calls father when she wants $ or wants to complain about her life (now blaming her mom for not providing a stable home for her as a child). Basically, SD calls her dad and stresses him out. Now she calls him and springs on him that she and the BF are going to get married on 11/22 and she wants her parents to give her $ for a reception. Her mother called us screaming about this latest antic that SD is pulling. She does not have any $ and we are by no means able to contribute anything substantial, let alone on such late notice. I am livid about this latest manipulative, entitled attitude but mostly am mad that she has no regard for how hard her father works and how it is not his job to take care of her anymore. She calls him up and starts crying about her life, guilting him into sending her $ and completely stressing him out. That in turn puts a strain on our relationship because what affects him, affects me too. So, I am just about fed up with all the BS and I'm ready to lay into this young lady once and for all, even if it means having a non-relationship from now on. I'm tired of her acting like a brat. I want to tell her that she made her bed and that it is time that she grows up and takes some responsibility for herself. She has man and it is his job to take care of her now, not her dad's. Yes we all need a little help from family once in awhile, but this constant drama is over the top. It's just one 'tragedy' after another with this girl and it's about to send me over the edge. I've waited in the wings for 18 years for this child to grow up so her father and I can finally have some 'us' time. Seems the SD will not let this happen. Tell me, what would you do?

Hi FNF,

I saw your post and even though I have no step children, I am the mom of a 22 year old daughter and have close friends who are step-moms to kids in their teens and twenties.

Have you suggested counseling? If money is an issue, you might be able to get with a church official who does this for a small donation to the church or with a free organization in your area. It sounds like it might be worth a try.

One of the things I have found is that when you're one of the ones involved in the situation, the grown up kids don't seem to listen to you, or hear half of what you say. They already have their opinions in their minds and think they know what you are going to say too. Getting an outside opinion could be a great help. One of my friends who has a stepdaughter in her mid-twenties went through something like what you are, except the daughter was still living home and had no children. That young woman wanted a very expensive wedding without thought to the current economy, so the parents did have their hands full, but turning to a family counseling center really worked for them. From there on, the wedding plans were made with cooler heads and smarter choices.

I wish you all the best!

Nancy Welker
BellaOnline Yoga Editor

Hi, Wow is this familar. I am sorry you are going through so much grief. My step-children are adults too. I gave up on all them one by one. I gave up because of the rude phone calls, and because I was never accepted. The biggest mistake I ever made was marrying a divorced man in the first place. I was really naive thinking I could take on the role of 2nd wife. I have been blessed with 3 nice kids of my own...and though we butt heads off and on, we reconcile and have made up our minds to still be family. It is bizarre that the older stepchildren don't even consider that their choice of behavior will lead to consequences they really won't want eventually. However, it is a relief that they don't hide their real feelings or motives. Make boundaries. I got an id caller, and I don't pick-up the phone if I think it is one of the older kids. They can get in touch with their Dad on his cell phone or facebook....but they are not abusing me anymore in any way.

I am new here but wanted to ask how do you handle adult stepdaughters who refuse to accept you after 23 yrs of marriage. When we go to the youngest one's house, her kids run out and hug grandpa but ignore me until I ask for a hug. Should I just ignore it and not let it bother me.

My situation is very simalar to yours only I have a SD (27) & SS (25). I've been married to their father for 13 yrs. and I can tell you that they don't go away...no matter how hard you wish :D. The father and I have always been willing to give what we could, and of course he paid support, since they've grown, we just learned to be really good at saying NO. We've been used, swindled, hood-winked and lied too since they were children. Now that they're grown I feel exactly like you do. I've never had any children and I NEVER wanted any. Like you, I figured that they'd grow up and move along....wrong. They'll only use you if you let them.

I'm in a similar position. My husband and I each have 2 adult daughters from previous marriages. The eldest is 36. Every time we invite her to participate in something, she asks for something extra for herself, and I am having a hard time not feeling that it is always at someone else's expense. I know that the things she does are rude, but I eventually vent about it and am left feeling badly because it is just as rude to point out someone else's rudeness. I'm really struggling with her. She is independent, and only here 3 times a year. I don't know why I can't just go with the flow. My husband and I are rather private about our home. We treat it as a retreat, and are not the types to have company often (out of choice). Every time we invite her to come, she wants to bring whatever man she's dating at the time. It's awkward to have someone staying with us that we've never met. It's awkward to have her sleep with different men under our noses also. Not judging her. She's an adult and can make her own choices. I'd just rather not be so aware of it. Last time she came she also insisted on bringing her dog, even though we explained to her that our own dog marks incessantly when other dogs are here. One time we had planned to all go to a particular theme park and she said she really didn't want to go to that park. She wanted to go to a rollercoaster park. Nobody else in the family rode rollercoasters, but that's where we ended up going. We all stood around waiting for her and her (then) husband to wait in line and ride. She'd been told that nobody else rode rides, but she persisted, and to this day I don't think it occurred to her that nobody else wanted to be there. Once when we were hosting a family getaway to the beach. We'd rented a 3 bedroom condo for 8 people. A few days before the trip, she announced that she'd be bringing her two step children, and she commented to her dad that she brought air mattresses for her two (then) step children but didn't know where they were going to put them. My husband told her that she could have the master bedroom and we'd take the twin beds. I was really furious. I was raised to have respect for the host and particularly a person who is paying for your dinner, housing whatever, and I felt she was really disrespectful for accepting his offer. To me, you don't accept better accommodations for yourself than the person forking out the thousands of dollars to rent the place. Beneath the scenes, and unknown to her was the fact that he and I had not spent a weekend together in months, and I was in tremendous need for a sense that he valued this as an opportunity to be with me. I was also raised marriage first children second. Bottom line, however; it is my husband's responsibility to set the tone with his adult daughter. I resent her because it is easier to resent an outside force who seems to rock the boat we normally reside on. Truth is, it is he who allows it and he who places her first, not only before me but before himself. He, for instance, would prefer that she not bring her boyfriend to visit; however, when she asks, he says yes so as to make her happy. I resent her because it is easier and less messy than resenting him for it. I am really struggling with this particular family member, but it is really all misplaced. I am seeking counseling to try to get rid of the negativity I feel, and searching online for articles on how to stop taking offense. Truly? I ruined Thanksgiving by venting finally my frustration over something small. (The daughter asked to have the stuffing she liked instead of the one, or in addition to the one I had planned to make.) Again, I didn't feel like it was polite to find out what I was making and have her decide she'd rather have something else instead of graciously receiving the efforts and time someone put into a dinner to which she was invited. I should have let it go and served both. It was ridiculous, and now my husband says we will never host Thanksgiving again. My point to you is that your husband may be wrong. He may have taught her wrong. He may feel guilty and is soothing his own conscience by indulging his adult daughter. He is actually sacrificing his own self-respect to her as well as yours. I don't know what the answer is. When my husband and his two daughters get together, I feel a bit invisible as they all revert to the way they do/did things. Suddenly the way he and I do things is out of the window and I feel displaced. I do not believe it is her intention. I know it isn't her fault. She was raised to ask for whatever she wants. If he really wanted to say no, he could do that. He chooses not to. I am under the impression that outside of our house, anything goes. I don't expect others to do things our way, but in our house, it should be he and I who make decisions about how things should go and not he and his eldest daughter. I am, like you, so frustrated. I realize, though, that this is really between me and my husband and not between me and her. I am trying very hard to learn from the articles on how not to take offense, and how to rid myself of negative thinking. I do not want to hurt my husband or his daughter. I don't have to like her, but I'd like to, and I know I don't want to hurt anyone. At the very least, I'd like to coexist peacefully. She doesn things I would never ever do around/or to my parent, but I don't get to set the standard for everyone else, and I am trying to remind myself of this all of the time. One suggestion, let the decision be your husband's, but make an agreement that if there is any problem (ie the dryer in your yard) he agrees to take care of it immediately. This way he is free to parent his daughter as he chooses, and you are free of irritation and resentment. This only will work if he is commited to dealing with things right away so that you don't sit and slowly simmer.

One more thing. You feel irritated that she changes the way things flow in your home and marriage. She is still young at 22 and probably feels the same way about you. I mean, you changed the way things were for her and her dad too. She can never come home and have it be just the two of them again, and you can never have your husband all to yourself because she is always a factor. You have that in common and maybe you can find compassion for one another on this particular point. In my family, I myself am introverted, and she is a take charge kind of person. I feel like she takes over when she's here. It's a common female issue. We all want control over our homes. We are territorial over our homes as well as over our men. I think we're wired that way. I am really praying I figure it out. Hope you do too.

Okay, here's the deal. Somehow the movements of this one person has too much of your attention. I wouldn't say your husband puts the daughter first, he may merely more confident dealing with you than he does his daughter.

Accept that the adult daughter doesn't-in realty-enter your life very often. She isn't going away, but she doesn't have to be in your thoughts when she's not around...you don't have to review the ways she's disappointed you in the past.

You will notice a leap in your marriage when you let go criticizing the stepdaughter...now, I am not blaming you...you have made good points and this stepmother gig is way harder than any of us imagined...I'm just saying...Let's say you're lost in the forest. You come to a clearing with trails leading away in all directions. I don't know which trail will lead you out, but I do know which trails will only lead to places where you are even more lost. Focusing on the shortcomings of your stepdaughter is one of those trails.

Again...you won't get me to blame you. I've been there and was miserable and behaved miserably. Here's crossing my fingers for you.

Barbara DeShong
mysteryshrink

Hi Everyone, I am hoping this will go through. I read all of these posts and RELATE. I am trying to be "spiritual" about all of this and to let go of the obsession about my step daughter but today is christmas and I must deal with the constant spoiled energy of my 23 yo SD and her 25 yr old boyfriend. I do have a lovely 6 year old and trying to FOCUS my love and attention on him but i need to VENT. My husband spoils the [censored] out of his dau and he STILL give her 'child support" of $1500 per month although she completed a University degree and she is taking 2 online courses, works part time at my husbands medical office and lives with her MOTHER read: no rent, no bills and over $2500 per month from "child support" and some income. She works only 20 hours per week because she cannot "handle it". She pretends that she is going to med school but her grades are terrible and so are her Mcats. even worse, her Boyfriend lives OFF of her and her mother at age 25 and DOES NOT WORK. I have explained to my husband several times that the "child support" needs to end and then the boyfriend will go away (he does not like the BF) but he will not listen to me! He has no common sense. Dr. Phil calls it CHILD ABUSE to neglect children and to give them too much money and no responsilibilty. it turns my stomach. honestly, i feel sorry for her to some extent. If my husband dies she will have NOTHING. there is not trust fund or exta money, period. she is now planning to move to BC with her boyfriend and cried to daddy to pay for her living expenses. He agreed if she is in ANY kind of school at all even part time. No talk of a JOB or anything like that for BOTH OF THEM!!! What is up with this? when i am calm I realize I have enough money, i have a great kid and my child is NOT SPOILED. I just get sick to my stomach when they are coming here. It is toxic and not loving. she does not even bring gifts having so much money of her own. My single mother friend with 2 kids earns less than she does. Are these people mentally ill? I have read about "guilt" but this is crazy. it debilitates the person and BOTH people. I pray to GOD that he cuts them both off but it is creepy and i doubt he ever will. the sad truth is that reading through thesee letters MANY men do this. It seems that women have more common sense about parenting. In any case, I am going to PRAY to let this go. Should I say something to my husband about them going to BC? NONE of them will try counseling. I have asked several times and they all refuse. They are unconscious and not evolved. UGG!!! has anyone found peace with SPOILED step children? thanks Sarah