BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting i hate this

Hi Everyone, I really need some support, I am just hating being a stepmum, I dont hate my stepdaughter, I just hate that one week we live normally and the next, its all about her. My husband tries to make me feel included but I just dont want to throw a ball or play with her. I wonder if I am just a nasty old cow. My husband doesnt want any more children and honestly after this experience neither do I. Am I just acting like a spoiled child myself??? I hate myself for feeling like this but I am struggling and cant wait for her to grow up and move out.....obviously I need some advice to help me cope with these feelings...... I really never expected to feel this way. Thankyou in advance Jeannie

How old is your stepdaughter?

Hi Erica, She is nearly ten.

I sympathize with you! I raised 2 step daughters, one was only 8 when she came to live with us full time and the other was 10. The 10 year old was terrible and we never got along while she lived with us-which was til she went to college.

One thing I can tell is that I had my own daughter also, who is half sister to these girls. She was about 4 when they moved in with us. My relationship with my own daughter was ENTIRELY different than with the step daughters. If you ever have the desire to have your own children, don't let your feelings for the step daughter scare you off.

These girls are all young women now. My daughter is 23 and the stepdaughters-there were 3 altogether, the eldest never lived with us - are all in or near their 30's. I have some advice as someone looking back on the step child experience.

Looking back, I wish I'd been more patient and loving to these girls. I think that would have changed much of the turmoil our family experience for years. My husband and I nearly divorced over all this and I felt like leaving many, many times over the years. I stuck it out in hopes that when the girls left home, my husband and I could at last have a good relationship and I didn't want my own daughter to end up a "step.'

I know this doesn't always happen in blended families but as these girls got older, somehow their opinion of me changed with maturity. They have little children now and I'm Grandma and they all moved to be near us so we can be part of their lives. I love the grandkids and, honestly, the past never even comes up. I can truthfully say now that I love these young women as much as I love my own daughter.

I realize if I went back in time, maybe I couldn't do anything differently. There was a mess of emotions involved and my husband was no help at all, due to his own guilty feelings about the girls' "real" mom and the divorce. The girls played on that guilt and they never really gave me a chance.

It took quite a bit of forgiving for me to let go of the past but I did it and I'm glad I did. Life seems so good now, compared to what it was during those year.

Don't think either that you just need to get the daughter grown up and the troubles will be over. She will get married, have kids, there will be holidays and family celebrations, so you will be thrown in with her and the entire family on many occasions for the rest of your life. It's best to try and make it work now so you have no regrets later that you didn't try harder.

Try reading Wayne Dyer's book The 10 Secrets of Success and Inner Peace or some of his other books. They really helped me.

There is hope! I wish you all the best.

Thankyou joanj, thankyou for taking the time to try and explain another point of view, I will try and take it on board, and i will certainly look up Wayne Dyer's books. I feel a little brighter.........i just struggle so much sometimes jeannie

Believe me, I know how you feel! I struggled with all these feelings and anger for 10 years when the girls lived with us and another 5 or so until I could get rid of the anger that was eating at me.

If you make up your mind to be happy, no matter what, and don't let the stepkids get to you, eventually they let up. They do all that for a reaction and if they don't get one, they figure out they can't bug you (might take years on that-lol)

I truly believe Wayne Dyer's books would open a whole new world for you and help you be happier.

Oh yes, your feelings will change and you will look back and say, "Why did I make such a huge deal out of everything my stepdaughter did or didn' do?"

I think your feelings are natural and normal. We've evolved as territorial beasts. That doesn't mean we have to let our 'feelings' run our lives.

Relax. Accept your stepdaughter as part of your reality. Your husband is a package deal. The more you move toward your stepdaughter, the more your husband will move toward you.

Hang in, it's worth it.
Barbara DeShong
mysteryshrink

And no hating yourself.

thanks mystery shrink, I do tend to hate myself for feeling this way....

One thing I wish I'd done differently with the stepdaughter is to try and love them for who they were instead of always wishing they were different - ie that they fit into a mold that I could choose and control. I always seemed to love my own bio daughter for who she was but with the steps I'd find myself saying, "If only they would behave in such and such way."

I think if I'd tried to appreciate the good things about them, instead of focusing on what was wrong, we'd all have been happier. Nobody can thrive in an atmosphere of criticism. I criticized them so they criticized me in return.