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Just disgusted at pregnant friend! #567667 11/28/09 07:19 PM
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Hello! First post here. I have been reading some---well, actually, a lot---of posts in MNK, and I really like the advice given so far. Everybody seems really nice! I don't know if this is a rant or if I want advice? I don't know. I'm just really, really disgusted at my long-time friend. I know the friendship is fading. To tell the truth, I guess I am feeling hurt, as well as disgusted. Several months ago, M, 30, and I began spending a lot more time together than usual, and several times (usually when she had been drinking) she hinted that she had a desire to have a child. I have been cf forever; she had previously expressed that she didn't want kids, and I had supported her through a couple of abortions in the past. When she hinted, my heart sank, and I knew it was really over this time. Two months later, she calls me up crying, she's pregnant. She claims she doesn't remember having the sex, and that it's an accident. She thinks she might want an abortion, so I lend support, listen to her fears, help find clinics, numbers, etc,. She goes to the initial appointment to get the pill, then she calls me and sort of passively tells me that she cancelled the second appointment. I am not just sad that we will not have so much in common anymore. It is so much deeper than that. Here's the sad, sad list of strikes: In the past, she has purposely started fights with the father. Let's call him P. They drink, then fight, then throw bottles at eachother's heads. He smokes pot and drinks beer every day. He has talent as a musician but no job of any kind for many months. His vehicle was repo-ed. He is one of ten grown kids living at home with his poverty-level parents out in the country. His parents also have to take care of the child he had from a previous union. He won't even buy school uni's or a bed for the little girl, or clean up dog poop in her room (another story). He lives in a separate building w/ no plumbing away from the main house on his parent's land. He poops in a bucket and throws it in the woods. Before getting pregnant, M had put on at least 50 pounds. P has said snarky things to her, like when she says I am getting on the treadmill for 30 mins, he says, "more like you need to make that a few hours!" along with tons of other misogynistic and anti-fat statements. I know from things she has said, that she feels very badly about herself and doesn't feel like she can get anyone else who is as good-looking and/or stylish as him. He is not bad-looking, but that shouldn't matter. He also constantly threatened to leave her, only to call her at 2 AM begging for her to come over and bring him beer. Today, she posted pics on FB of herself, showing off her new physique to all her friends, but I recognize it as the same one she had before she ever got pregnant. Not important, just annoying. I feel like she was unhappy with her weight, and this child is going to be used as an excuse for that. She has 36K in the bank, 16K from a trust fund, and 10K that she saved, yet she has quit her job styling hair and gone on WIC, moving around friend to friend, not paying rent. WIC with 36K in the bank!!! I don't know if she can get away with not paying her medical bills, because I thought for sure she wouldn't even be able to get WIC! Now, who knows! How is this allowed??? When she was undecided on keeping the child, she said to me, "All I know is, it's just me all the time, and I'm miserable." Now P is being super nice to M, bringing her pickles and roses (He is uber-excited, and why shouldn't he be? She told me she didn't want to pursue child support from him, because she said it wasn't fair to threaten him with that when he doesn't have a job?!? Oh, that's right, because you and I will have to pay to support them...grrrr). Currently her main concern is what the baby's hair color will be---she thinks it will be red because P has red hair. She has brown eyes, brown hair, and olive skin, so yeah, like that's really gonna happen. I feel really bad for this fetus---there are a billion more things I could mention, depression issues and whatnot. I am really disgusted about the welfare thing. I know that sounds petty, but it is a huge deal to me. I have always been there, emotionally, for her in the past, stood by and helped her in a non-judgmental way. I want to say something so bad I am almost busting! My hubs says to just not say anything. Just let the friendship fade away. I also feel rejected, even though I feel like if anyone should be doing the rejecting, it should be me! She hasn't had much to do with me since this choice, although I saw on FB that she is promising to visit everybody else in the whole world because they are all congratulating her. I have said nothing on FB, but have been supportive through emails. I got no response to past inquiries about when she might come stay with me. Oh, well. Thanks for listening to my lengthy, obtuse, and poorly punctuated rant. I guess I just won't say anything to her. I never do to these women. I'm just sad. Sad because this is the third female friend who has become a scary, weird leach of a mom, leaving me behind or actively pushing me away. I fear this will happen every time I make a female friend. Sigh. Any comforting or advice would be appreciated.

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Re: Just disgusted at pregnant friend! [Re: LivingDeadCupcake] #567820 11/30/09 01:27 AM
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1st - that guy sounds really freaking gross! in a bucket? nasty! Im sorry to hear that your friend is in an emotional abusive relationship and Im sorry to hear that you and her are now drifting apart. I have learned first hand how friendships change when one gets pregnant. I dont understand why some women seem to make poor choices or sacrifice things that are/were important to them. while I do not know your friend, perhaps being pregnant is temporary filling some painful void she has in her life. I am not the best at giving advice, but I think your hubby is right when he says to just let it fade away. calling her out wont likely solve anything and you probably wont snap any sense into her. her problems probably run deep - she has issues if she is willing to maintain a relationship with someone who throws bottles at her head. (throwing one back at him doesn't neutralize the violence or make it okay) Try not to feel rejected or hurt by her behavior. she may just be putting space because she doesn't want you to feel out of place because you are CF forever. she may also know you disaprove of her current actions and doesn't want you to call her out on her poor choices. it is hard to lose a friendship when someone gets pregnant. my best friend is pregnant and though I have chosen to fight for the friendship, I often feel like it won't work cause she is changing her life and our common ground is slipping fast.

Last edited by Marie751; 11/30/09 01:28 AM.
Re: Just disgusted at pregnant friend! [Re: Marie751] #567903 11/30/09 02:44 PM
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Thanks for the empathy! I didn't know if I posted this in the right place for a while! I was afraid I had made people angry. Yes, her relationship is abusive, but I think it is 50/50 on the physical part. As you all know, it is incredibly frustrating to know a woman who keeps going back to a guy like that. As you can guess, I have told her a million, billion times that she can do sooooo much better. I have told her that she is incredibly generous to the man in her life, and she needs to find a man who is like that, too. I definitely think something is missing in her life. I can think of some good reasons to have a child, but it just seems that all of hers are bad. The loneliness, keeping the jerk boyfriend around, the weight, the attention... About the rejection---I have been feeling it for a while from her. It seems like the only time she calls me anymore is when she needs something or has a problem or bad news. This had been going on since before the pregnancy. I just assumed everything in her life was really bad lately, but then from things she has said, I have gleaned that she IS having good times---parties, shopping, etc.---only with other people. She doesn't invite me, and she doesn't accept my invitations to events or to eat (even events where I've already paid for everything!). I want to be there for friends when the times are tough, but I want to be there when times are good, too!! What is really repelling me from the desire to maintain this friendship is the fact that she has no idea how many and how much bad times are coming. Pretty much the whole first year, after the new wears off, and people get tired of her and the baby and quit coming around to help so much. I hope I don't seem selfish, but I don't want to be the only one she calls on for that help. She used to stay with me when she had a fight with her parents or roommate. It can't happen with a baby. I have two angry parrots here who love to scream randomly! About the WIC thing---I don't want to seem like a Total *ss. I believe there are people who really need it. I know that even 36K is gonna go fast when faced with med bills, even after a healthy birth. I hate what has happened to healthcare. I just don't think that now is the time and place for her to be receiving it...there are tons of women out there who work through their entire pregnancy, and there are childed families that will NEVER have 36K in the bank. My wish for her, now that she has made her decision, is to try to settle down somewhere with that money. She enjoys the nomad thing too much, and eventually, when the new and the cute wears off, she will be living in her car with that baby. I have been thinking about our past a lot too. Back when we were kids. I miss it. This situation is gonna be a trainwreck for her. It just makes me so sad, and I feel guilty for being repelled.

Re: Just disgusted at pregnant friend! [Re: LivingDeadCupcake] #568076 11/30/09 11:52 PM
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angry parrots that love to scream! sounds like my house. I have 4. it is frustrating to try to talk sense into someone who just wont listen to reason. sadly, (and I have had friends in the past who chose poor BFs)you cant help them see the light. you either have to pull back or watch the carnage as they continue on. I think what makes it extra hard is by adding a baby to the mix. once she has it, thats that. if it is a mistake she is stuck with it and the loser BF. while she may have his tender affection now, once the glamer wears off he will likely go back to his same old ways. the friendship doesn't sound like an equal ground if she is only contacting you when she's upset of when she needs to vent. how often does she ask how you are and what is up with you? I dont think you are being selfish at all. I think you are very self-aware to see the she is the type of friend who is a taker. it is kind of a toxic relationship. she treats you like the stand-by friend.friends dont call only when they need something. watch, a year from now she will be hitting you up for money cause her funds are low, BF has no cash and she doesn't want to go back to work. dont feel guilty for feeling repelled by her. you wouldn't hesitate to back up from a chemical spill, now would you? same thing applies sometimes in relationships. if things get toxic around you, you gotta ask yourself you are willing to risk "glowing green". the past may have been great, but people change and you dont have to remain friends with people you knew years ago. you can put them in the "aquintance" folder and maybe years later things will change. I also get frustrated with WIC. while I know there are parents out there struggling, I see a lot of people who are not doing all they can to feed their kids. if you need WIC for the 1at kid - how can you afford to have 3 more?

Re: Just disgusted at pregnant friend! [Re: Marie751] #568179 12/01/09 02:37 PM
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Haha! I love the chemical spill analogy. You don't want to get any on you. The last time one of my friends got pregnant, it was totally like that. I believe she still would have been a good friend, and the new baby wouldn't have changed much; it's just that she smoked ganga, drank wine, and smoked through the ENTIRE pregnancy, and I just knew it was a disaster waiting to happen. She also had a pretty scummy bf. None of these things bothered me when she wasn't pregnant. I was right---she ended up arrested a couple times, and I even think bigamy was somehow involved. That time I didn't even want to remain an acquaintance, but I think that (remaining an acquaintance) is good advice this time; however, I don't really see things changing. She was always self-absorbed and for a long time I just accepted that as part of her charm. I don't see that situation improving after a baby comes. On the other hand, she doesn't do anything malicious, so who knows. It's just hard for me not to get sucked into helping out because I feel very fortunate myself. I need to practice the "Gee, I'd like to help but..." line. M does ask what I'm doing on the phone, but I think it is just to make sure I'm not busy so she can talk for thirty minutes about her latest fight w/ P. I hate to say it but I think she thinks I am not dramatic enough. That's a pretty [censored] way to judge your friends if you ask me. I got thrown from a horse last Tuesday! That's still exciting, even if there is no drama (I'll admit, she does love alcohol-induced drama, and I will never be very into it). That's so awesome that you have 4 parrots! Can you imagine, though, an infant trying to sleep in the afternoon and then one of the birds lets fly one of those random shrieks---like they saw a bird outside or something? Then the baby would start screaming and the birds would think it's a game and scream along! Nope, visits here are probably out of the question. I have a 21 yo blue-front Amazon and a 32 yellow-nape Amazon. I just adopted the 32 yo a year and a half ago, but the 21 yo has been in my family since he was gray and fuzzy. What kinds do you have? Hey, we have a great response to the "when are you having kids" question! The reverse-bingo I use when people ask me when I am having kids is: so when are YOU getting a parrot? Aw, c'mon. You know you want one. They don't 'always' scream---just most of the time. And their poop is sooo cute! (Then describe it). They stay like babies forever, so the cuteness will never wear off! They will probably outlive you---don't you want to leave a legacy, a bird who will still repeat the phrases you taught it long after you are gone? No? But...but, who will take care of you in your old age if you don't have a bird? Most people think it is hilarious when I am hounding them, and then most actually get it and leave me alone about the kids thing. Maybe it helps them realize it's possible to not want something for yourself, but not look down on others who have made a different choice than you have.

Re: Just disgusted at pregnant friend! [Re: LivingDeadCupcake] #568362 12/01/09 09:38 PM
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"Hey, we have a great response to the "when are you having kids" question! The reverse-bingo I use when people ask me when I am having kids is: so when are YOU getting a parrot? Aw, c'mon. You know you want one. They don't 'always' scream---just most of the time. And their poop is sooo cute! (Then describe it). They stay like babies forever, so the cuteness will never wear off! They will probably outlive you---don't you want to leave a legacy, a bird who will still repeat the phrases you taught it long after you are gone? No? But...but, who will take care of you in your old age if you don't have a bird?"

LOVE that!:)

Lori

Re: Just disgusted at pregnant friend! [Re: Lori B - Editor MNK] #568527 12/02/09 04:00 PM
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Thanks! You can really substitute any obnoxious pet or hobby in that response!

Re: Just disgusted at pregnant friend! [Re: LivingDeadCupcake] #568886 12/04/09 01:30 AM
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I love that response.

LivingDeadCupcake,
to answer your question I have a amazon, 2 conures and my beloved Gray who over the summer learned to mimmick the smoke detector. ahh, that never gets old. so, can I borrow your ear muffs? what? I can't hear you.

Re: Just disgusted at pregnant friend! [Re: Marie751] #569085 12/04/09 08:43 PM
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LMAO - to the Parrot response. Okay...straight up. The first thing i wanna say is..if he smokes pot it is not a crime. :] Its probably one of the few things he is doing right. LOL Whats a crime is to be that fat and to let some guy control your "self"-esteem ..its called self-esteem..But she wont get it, since shes stooopid enough to get pregnant again because she feels [lonely.] Pathetic and low self-esteem dating a complete moron...WHO ARE U HANGING OUT WITH! (thats what i had to ask myself) Indeed you should be annoyed, disgusted, and fuckin irritated. A friend like that only ruins your high, or positive vibes. Lets not play God here, if shes [censored] up..shes old enough to figure out her next move. You dont wanna be a mom, well guess what dear...you were hers..(just like i was to my DB friend) Step one, You missy-Stop criticizing her..and check your hands before you point the finger. In the long run; if your soul has been judgmental only you will get hurt. So what if you helped her out through some things...what do you want in return?! Move on sister... Listen to your husband and let that [censored] be. She sounds like a big! headache anyways. - I had a "friend" that always [censored] up every time i seemed to be having the best time with my now husband. She'd call me crying, that her METH addict boyfriend just hit her. And like a dumb [censored]..i'd leave my man to go and save her for the 100 time! The stooopid girl lets call her DB for dumb ... hahaha ..She didn't graduate, moved in with him, became an addict herself, had sooo many abortions, and through all that i held her hand. The guy seemed chill not nearly as trashy as the guy u described above. But this guy had an addiction, went to jail a couple of times and got her knocked out and knocked up...Guess who took her to go see him in jail, guess who took her to the doctor, guess who was there for this girl.....ME! Leaving my to do's aside for her, because i wanted to help. The guy lets call him JA for...Jack...hahahah..ur getting my flow? right.. Sooo JA would always ruin our girl's night, would causes scenes everywhere we went, this guy was so conflicted that he even said my husband was hitting on her. They'd vandalize each other's stuff, got her car re-poed, stole her phone and lap top for drugs...DB had to go and get the lap top from the drug dealer herself. Pff... DB and to top it off..shes not even sure about her sexual orientation. Not even gonna front about it, she even tried to get with me. And JA is a loser without a job or a HS diploma.. Its like a match made in heaven. Not my biznus anymore..Oh ya..and did i mention DB got pregnant? and wanted me to be the God-mother...FORGET IT...I'm suprised the baby came out healthy..her "man" always said she used drugs throughout the pregnancy. [Shrugs] I bounced like tigger out of that fuckin mess...and you my friend, should do the same. Even her sister told me she doesn't deal with DB because shes soo dumb. BTW, dont delete her phone number..save her under DB so when she calls u.. decline that [censored] or change ur number. ~You just cant help people that don't even know how screwed up they are~even...if u tell them to their face. -Brutally honest

Re: Just disgusted at pregnant friend! [Re: BetzabeBadWords] #569086 12/04/09 08:52 PM
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oh man and to top it off shes using WIC...wow....JUST RUN!

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