BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Difficulties with relatives at Thanksgiving

My mother-in-law is especially difficult to deal with around the holidays. She holds back other times of the year but, especially on Thanksgiving, it's tough to deal with her. We host Thanksgiving at our house every year. Things usually start out OK but after a few bottles of wine have been opened she starts in on me, not accepting that both of us decided to be childfree, she blames me and not my husband and accuses me of cheating him of the most wonderful thing in life. She actually thinks it would have been better for me to "trick" him (not exactly sure how) because he would have come around eventually and thanked me for it!! Of course, when she is not arguing with me she is swamping my teenage niece with attention and commenting on how it would be so much nicer to have a niece or nephew for HER! to make her Thanksgiving better. Soooo embarrassing for my poor niece. Inevitably, there are tears. All this time, I'm running around trying to get a nice dinner on the table. The men have usually taking to hiding out somewhere in front of the TV or go for a walk. Honestly, I don't know how to face this again. My mother-in-law is not in good health and I don't want to get in to it with her on the holiday, but I feel exhausted for days, sometimes weeks, after these holiday sessions. Is anyone else dealing with difficult relatives over the holidays - the ones who like to get right in your face with the kid questions?

Can you make it an alcohol-free dinner? I'm sure people would ask why, but it's your home and your choice. That might prevent some problems.

I'm sorry you have to deal with that. That's one of the reasons I go out of town away from family at Thanksgiving. I am usually at the beach or overseas. My parents are usually okay with it since I spend Christmas with them (and I see them nearly every day anyway).

Anyway, talk to your husband (you're in this together) about an alcohol-free dinner. It might be the key. I've seen wines like Cabernet Sauvignon with the alcohol removed. It looks the same, but it just doesn't have alcohol. That might be a way to go.

Thank you! I like the idea of wine with the alcohol removed. Alcohol is usually the escalating factor leading to anger and weepiness. My relatives do tend to come armed with bottles of wine, so I'd have to suggest it ahead of time and think of a reason(excuse) for doing so one relative in particular doesn't take offense since some of the family have addressed her drinking issues before.

Yes definitely I highly agree there. If alcohol is causing things to get worse - and it's your house - then remove the alcohol. It might not be a 100% solution but it's at least a start.

Yes tell people up front that it is your request for this time. Maybe get a bunch of different teas, instead, and have it a dinner with a variety of herbal teas? That way people have something interesting to drink and that becomes your new tradition.

Thanksgiving is awful for many families because it's a time for people to get together and start thinking about what they are thankful for - meaning they sometimes think about the things they want but don't have. So one mom might start harassing her son about why he has a sucky job and doesn't have a better one. Another mom might start harassing her daughter for not being married. There are countless things parents harass their kids for. "Why don't you visit me more often?" "How come you don't take me on a cruise, my friend's kids take her on a cruise every year." So this is a very common problem people have to face. I have a friend who is gay and 22, and her grandparents hassle her *constantly* about settling down with a guy.

You can't really change them, you can only look at it as a personal growing challenge, to learn patience and inner strength

One option is to have a private Thanksgiving, if it gets too much. My mom tries to get me over there every Thanksgiving. My boyfriend and I have Thanksgiving at home, with just my dad. It works out well.

I haven't had the kid questions during the holidays, but every holiday so far that I've been with with my husband has an emotional levy to it by late afternoon and evening.

Whether you get involved or not, you still end up either listening or being subject to the emotional after math. No one wants to be the bad guy in saying "enough already."

In the end, though, if you/anyone wants to be relieved and since we can't change anyone else, it's going to boil down to boundaries and what you feel you deserves to have to put up with. If you enjoy hosting the dinner and that fulfills you, you either have to listen or finally go about your business which is usually a lot when you're hosting.

I've opted for computer & headphones while I cook or clean. If it's really bad, I'll do what I can and leave the rest for the person complaining.

Yes, I think that is the essence of it! People are thinking about what they are thankful for having so they are also thinking about what they don't have:) I do like the suggestion of substituting a drink tradition for the alcohol - teas would be very nice, or juices, and a better example for my niece after all. My husband really enjoys hosting the holiday. He loves to cook, so redirecting the one negative aspect of the get-together will be an interesting challenge this year.

Alcohol has never been present at my family gatherings, and we always have a great time. Another suggestion would be to serve some coffee (something special, like Starbucks) or apple cider. We have coffee on Thanksgiving, and everyone loves it. Good luck!! I wish a Happy Thanksgiving for you and yours!