BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting What do I do about this?

Oh my goodness.. last night my SD went off on my H... calling him a bleeping psycho, i bleeping hate you ETC ETC all while kicking the front seat of the car, punching the windows and trying to open car door to get out while its still moving. there was a previous argument a few days ago... this seems to be a continuation of that apparently... now this morning, after SD spends the night with her brothers (because she was soo upset her and her brothers got to watch a movie together after bedtime..) the youngest says, dad's going crazy (talking about my H trying to hurry him out of the bathroom to get in the car to go to school) so now i guess they've all concluded the best way to insult dad is to call him crazy i guess or psycho. the point is, they can say and do what they want now... we have no control and it really scares me. what are we supposed to do if the SD goes nuts like that in the house? around my 5mth old son? what do we do when they say they hate my H and swear at him and say everything they can to hurt him?? its so depressing and stressful and i want to stick up for my H but when he lets his D get away with that last night... no punnishment for swearing, screaming profanities and insults, causing H to stop the car 3 times to try to calm her down.... no punnishment. in fact, he seems to be acting guilty like he did something wrong. he feels bad for also swearing and at one point grabbing her arms and fists in mid air as she was punching his seat and telling her to stop because then she screamed get your bleeping hands off me you bleeping psycho!! i feel totally out of control. i would never ever put up with that, but what would i do if she did that to me? apparently there is nothing i can do! i can tell her to go to her room and if she doesnt? if she doesnt stop screaming? what do you do when they are past the point of disrespet and now are just trying to be hurtful...i feel terrible for my H and i am so stressed out about having to be in such a stressful environment all the time when they are here... i need to be strong for my H, he needs support right now, but i just want to cry and run away... i want to give up. i cant believe the position i am in.. i love my H so much, but i dont know how much longer i can handle his kids. this makes me so sad because i love my H so much and i never ever want to leave him, but is it fair to him or to me? for me to stay yet, not be able to handle the kids or the stressors? or for me to leave him because of his kids???? is it fair for me to have to live with this forever? When does someone say... ok, i admit, i cant handle this, i'm not proud that i cant handle this, but i cant, and i'm leaving... ???

More from me... I am just so angry at the kids. Gosh I feel so bad that I am so angry at them. I hate seeing my H's feelings get hurt. He is going through a rough time right now with some personal issues, which he is talking to someone about.. and it really really isnt helping that the people he loves are telling him he's psycho and they hate him and are trying to hurt him. over what you ask? SD getting caught in lies and still not admitting to them.. school..homework..boys.. all typical teenage stuff.. but is this extreme behaviour typical? Her mom and my H both want her to talk to someone, but she refuses. Its so sad to see her so upset, I can relate because I too was a teenager once, and although I have felt extreme and angry like that,it wasnt until a few years after having my Its like they think he's superman or something and can take everything they say and do and still be OK because he is dad. We have told them to remember that we are people too, and our feelings get hurt too, just as much as thier's do and to be careful what you say in anger.. then of course there is all the other typical step parenting probs that i am dealing with and.. barely holding on here. just feel like almost everytime they come, i come close to breaking down and "calling it quits". I love my H so much and I know these are good kids, I have known them for 5yrs now and it seems every stage is more difficult to deal with than the last! No one said parenting was easy.. but I didnt realize it would be this hard. Thanks for listening.. really needed to vent.

Something sounds seriously wrong with your stepdaughter. i'm not being flippant. I think the fact that your husband and her mother both want her in counseling is good. She needs to be there. And unless she is 18, she cannot refuse to go - they can admit her against her will. It sounds like she may need this.

The kind of tantrums you are describing are very disturbing. Right now they are turned outwards against her father (who is a safe person), but what happens if one day they turn inward? That is when you have to worry about suicide. In the past 2 months I have attended the funerals of 2 boys who were both Seniors in high school. These boys were not "bad" per se, they were troubled, and now they are gone. This is a "trend" that is growing.

Something needs to be done for your stepdaughter before something tragic happens from which no one can recover.

Hi again, I agree something is definately wrong. As I said, I can remember feeling and acting the same way, but this was in my much later years when the doctor said it was my hormones out of whack (bad pms)... Her mother has a counseling program at work, which will accept her D. Mother must go in first for one session apparently, then she will go. I really hope she goes and is honest and gets some help. In the meantime, what do we do about her behaviour? Do we not punnish her for these tantrums? My H seems to think just agreeing to counseling is enough.. I have a hard time giving her all the priveleges of a well behaved child (sleepovers, internet, tv, telephone) when she behaves like this. I think there should be some immediate consequence rather than, ok, agree to counseling and you can act whatever way you want...? My H says he will talk to her tonight, and I suppose before he does I will give him my 2 cents and he will go from there. Its just so sad that we cant discuss problems as a family without yelling and swearing and hurting feelings. i dont expect her to converse like an adult, but she needs to realize this is not how she will get her way. thankgoodness mom didnt come to get her as her daughter begged her to on the phone. SD has done the same thing while at her mom's, calling her dad and begging him to come... neither of the parents do that and recognize her manipulation.. so thats what i wanted to say, our next step is counseling. but what do we do in the meantime?

No - she deserves consequences for her actions.

My son has Asperger's, and I know much of his behavior is rooted in this. However, I am not going to let him use Asperger's as an excuse for bad behavior. I have no hope of him ever learning correct behavior if I do not correct him.

He has a tendency to go off on raging tantrums. Part of this is due to self-control problems of his Asperger's, but he is learning how to control this. If I never punish him - then this learning is never reinforced.

Right now he has lost priveledges of his cell phone and his FaceBook acct because he did some stuff on the interent that he should not have done. I could have just said, "oh, that his OCD nature, and he can't help it" - but he will never learn to help it unless he is given consequences.

So I fully believe that your step-daughter should recieve unishment. Counseling is not punishemnt, it is part of the cure. Punichemnet is consequences for behavior. They are two separate acts.

I do agree with you completely. However, I am in a difficult position here. I am the step parent, not the disciplinarian and all I can do is talk to my H and tell him how I feel, but in the end, he and SD's mom will decide what punnishment, if any, will be enforced. We have the kids every 2nd week right now. But lately we have only had them for 4-5days instead of 7. SD's mom is aware of what happened. But here we are, they kids are gone as of today, and wont be back for a few days. It is difficult to pause punnishment while they are gone and turn it back on when they are here. they spend most of thier time at thier mom's and she is not expected to carry out groundings or punnishments if we had them here. for ex; if they lose internet privelege here, they still have it at mom's when they go back. i am trying to stay "in my place" as a step mom and not overstep my bounds when it comes to discipline and important decisions when it comes to the stepkids because I have been told that i have overstepped my bounds before, and I dont want to seem pushy to my H. In the past, i have told him what i thought should be done, and if he didnt do that, or did something else that i didnt agree with, i would get angry about it and we'd end up arguing about it. He has told me that in those times, he just needs me to support him and doesnt need another person mad at him thinking he's doing something wrong, again. (kids always say we're doing something wrong... how dare we not drive them everywhere they want?) anyways.... so i hear you and i agree completely. But I honestly just dont know how to do whatever it is I am supposed to be doing in this circumstance. I never took the "how to be a step parent" class! LOL Any advice on how I could approach things in the future? H talked to SD last night and he said it went well. Not at first of course, but eventually it went well and she did apologize and she did agree to counseling. At this point, i have a feeling i should just step back and see how this goes. My H says he has dealt with it, and i know he and SD's mom have done what they think is right, so I think I need to respect that, right? I put in my 2 cents and I know my H considered it, but chose not to punnish her, but instead took her for a "grown up talk" and let her know what she did wrong and why she cant do that anymore...etc.. he did agree that if this happens again that yes, there will be punnishment. She's had her chance of talking it through and claiming to understand that she knows she lets herself get very emotional and furious and it isnt acceptable. He took her to a restaurant for sodas, public place-was the point of that, because we know she can be a respectful, polite and mature 13yr old if she chooses to be. so being out helped both of them keep thier voices down and talk calmly... i just feel like i should be supporting my H in this and not telling him, yet again, that I think he is doing something wrong. Thanks for writing, I really appreciate your feedback.

My husband's the stepDad, so we aren't entirely unfamiliar with your situation, but we are the ones with the kids 99% of the time. (They only visit their Dad on holidays and long weekends).

I think since your husband did say there will be punishment next time; you will just have to let it go for now.

But with you guys sharing custody so closely - y'all do need to work out with her mother a way to "carry across" groundings.

It is kind of like criminals making it across the line to Mexico and being safe because they won't be extradited. (OK - that was a really extreme example - but you get what I'm saying.

For the sake of the child all the parents nedd to set up a united front.

It is very hard in a divorce situation. But even with my ex living 2 states away, if my son is not allowwed internet access, I let his Dad know - and he DOES carry out that punishment there as well. He doesn't just get a holiday from his consequences. That won't happen in real life - and that is exactly what we as parents are preparing our kids for.

Hang in there. You sound like you care very much. You wouldn't be this concerened if you didn't. Things will eventually work out. Caring for a child always comes back to you in the end.

Something sounds seriously wrong with your stepdaughter- really serious. I think the fact that your husband and her mother both want her in counseling is a good thing for sure. She needs to be there.

If she is under 18,, then both your husband and her mother can make her attend- it is only for her benefit and sounds like she truly needs it. These kind of tantrums are very disturbing and could lead to bigger problems.

You just got to make sure all adults that are actively in her life are on the same page.

Oh- BTW Michelle- love the new pic!!

Ughhhh one more thing.. it never seems to end...yesterday SD sent me an email by accident, an email full of swearing and bullying type language to some other girl but oops, pressed the wrong button and sent it to me. so i showed my H and he said, dont do or say anything yet, let me think on it, this was last night. we are giving her time to write me saying, oh, so sorry i sent that to you.. or something.. we just dont want her to deny this even though she obviously did it- So if I am to stay positive, i would say, oh ya, her mom will do something about this when she finds out... like kick her off the internet already!!!! But my bet is that nothing is done about it, she will be told yet again, to watch her language and thats it. thats my bet. this email could have been sent to her gramma or aunts or someone with much less patience for this awful language and behaviour... she's lucky it was me? I told my H what i think should be done,,,, grounding... off internet for a bit... but i can only reccomend, its out of my hands now. i am trying not to care what happens about it because if i actually care, i know i will be dissapointed again with my H and the EXs reaction to thier daughter's behaviour... again. I soooo totally agree that she will never learn to be responsible adults if no one is willing to correct her behaviour now... but it isnt my place so... again, i sit back, with no control and wait n see. then i have to go along with whatever they decide. i am soooooooo glad that i have a say in my son's upbringing... i am soooooo glad the EX will have nothing to do with my son. Sounds bad but, I dont want my son turning out like the stepkids... rude, spoiled, huge sense of entitlement and disrespectful... i just keep telling myself that this wont happen to my son... i will have a say in his discipline and i can bring him up the way i think is right. i am sooo incredibly happy that my boy will get proper guidance and discipline... all i can do is be thankful for that right now... as i await to see what actions (or lack of, more likely) i will be forced to support. step parenting is so hard. i cant believe i have to deal with this EX and these kids forever. Hey, they can be awesome kids... but thier mother is not paying any attention and is so lazy when it comes to discipline that i see the rest of my days with this family, filled with a lot of stress. i just cant believe i'm in this situation, forever! i cant believe that i didnt consider that mrrying my H meant marrying his EX too. She will be in our lives forever and i hate that. i really really hate that. is every stepmom so blinded by love for her H that she doesnt consider the fact that the EX will be in her life forever? argh thats frustrating. if i knew now, what i knew then? that is a hard thought... and point is, i am where i am and i need to deal with my decisions. thanks for listening