BellaOnline Forums Family Single Parents Fiance left me at 7 months pregnant... need help!

My fiance and I had been together for a year and a half, been engaged for about 2 months, and 7 months pregnant with our daughter... when he left me and abandoned me. He is 30 years old and left me and moved in with a 19 year old single mother... He left me with the rent and bills on our house and refused to do anything I asked in terms of doing his part in helping me take care of our responsibilities at the house... clean up, fix a door so I could get the security deposit back, etc. He just up and moved out.. very irresponsibly. The day he left was the same day of the baby shower that he threw for me. He has a 6 year old daughter that he has joint custody with with his ex-girlfriend. I moved in with my mom because I didn't want to be alone so close to the pregnancy and kept paying on the house with no help from him.. and now my money is gone and I cannot find work being a few weeks from giving birth. He completely avoided me for two months and then after his ex told him how ashamed he should be.. he finally sent a text message asking to come to my doctor appointment, saying that he cares about the baby.. I let him come to one.. and I just decided it was not genuine.. and just something to make him feel a little better about what he has done.. it did nothing for me, who he has shown no care for at all. He keeps telling me that he wants to be there when she is born. Be there... what does that mean. He has not paid for one thing for the baby and I don't see him willingly contribute financially.. even though he says he will. He doesn't follow through on anything. He has ignored me and completely ran away from responsiblity to me..who is carrying the baby! So I told him that the only way to be there for his daughter is to come back and help me and work it out. We were just starting counseling when he left... he left me after two sessions.. I was paying for it.. trying to keep it all together for the baby. I have had a miserable pregnancy. He is completely immature and refuses to grow up. I don't know what to do as far as putting him on the birth certificate (in Colorado) because part of me still wants him to come back and have a family and I don't want to make that difficult.. but with the way he has been behaving and with his living situation now with a very immature girlfriend.. I just don't want my daughter around that. I don't know what's best for my daughter and I know that I don't want him to just be able to avoid this responsiblity that a newborn is.. and just be able to come around and be the 'fun' dad when it is convenient for him. I don't plan on letting him be at the birth.. and I don't plan on putting him on the birth certificate. To me my reasoning is part keeping from being walked all over by him after what he's done and partly my anger over his lack of consideration for me and the situation I'm now in at the end of my pregnancy. I don't want to make it easy for him.. because he has made it miserable for me. And while he is not a bad guy.. he just doesn't want responsibility and proved it by moving in with a 19 year old so that he doesn't have to be there for me. He didn't even consider his 6 year old daughter's well-being in all of this and just did what he wanted to do. To me being a father is being there for the mother when pregnant. I did everything I could to keep our relationship together. I am wondering if I am being selfish in keeping him off the BC? I have talked to his ex, the mother of his child, and she hates having to deal with him and regrets letting him be there. He doesn't contribute much financially to that either. I don't know is intentions for fighting his ex in court for his daughter.. and it could be genuine but it could also be so that didn't have to pay child support and grow up. He works crazy night hours as a nurse aide and constantly falls asleep when off and doesn't want to better himeslf at all.. He doesn't consider what his actions do to anyone and blames everyone for what he does.. He simply doesn't want to grow up. I still have feelings for him because I believe he is better than this and I want to have a family.. but I don't know if that will happen and he will come around. So what is the best thing to do as far as letting him be there? Should there be no consequences for his choice of leaving? Am I a bad mother already for not letting the father of my daughter know her even though he abandoned us? I am low-income and don't have a lot of access to people who know about this and what is best... I know that my heart is still involved but I need help thinking clearly about this and being practical and thinking about what's best for me and the baby! Thanks!

A birth certificate is a legal document, and I would most definitely put him on as the father. That could be proved in court anyway, that he is the legal father. Then I would ensure he pays child support for the child.

It is great that your family can help you through this. I would ensure he pays his fair share for the child, but I would not recommend trying to drag him back into your life. He has made his choice. Focus on yourself and your child, and being the healthiest you can for both of you.

Work with your family to determine what benefits your state provides for mothers, I am sure there are many programs out there to help you with support.

There are resources available to assist you and the baby such as housing, transitional assistance, food stamps, etc... this will at least help you get on your feet. Do this right away so you can get on the housing list.

In the meantime, he is not worthy of you and the baby. I feel for you and am SO SORRY to hear of such a horrible experience. at least you got your mother- trust me, you'd be surprised how lucky you are to have her help you.
Enforce what you need to do for child support and for medical coverage.

I wish you the best of luck.

Just FYI, putting him on the birth certification does NOT guarantee visitation. That is an entirely separate thing altogether.

You can go to DSS and file for TANF. They will request the paternity of the child, you fill in the blank, and LEAVE IT AT THAT. The state will do the rest for you in ensuring that he pays you money. And, actually, the state will pay you and he will have to pay the state. Whatever he doesn't pay, he will be held accountable for. If he misses one payment, a warrant for his arrest will be issued. That will make him grow up quick after his first stay behind bars.

In addition to TANF, DSS can assist you with getting a job, childcare, food, and medical care. You will become very strong and self-sufficient very fast. The system was designed for situations like this.

And, no, you don't HAVE to put him on the birth certificate. If you're not married, then you don't have to. Paternity will force him to pay child support. A simple blood test can ensure that he will pay child support, which he would have to pay for if he tried to argue that the child isn't his.

You cannot change him. Only he can change himself. Do not let him hurt you or your child anymore and take the necessary steps to ensure your survival. When or if he grows up, he'll realize his mistake only too late.

I would not let my daughter near a man like that because it would only hurt her. There are many real men out there who would love to have a wonderful wife and a beautiful daughter, don't let fear force you to stay with a deadbeat.