BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting I didnt think bein a step mom would be this hard

Hello I just joined because I really need some help and support. I am a new step mom to two small kids. Step daughter is 4 and Step son is 2. I never thought being a step mom would be hard. I had this picture in my head where me hubby and 2 kids would be one big happy family. This would be the case if it wasnt for their piece of [censored] mom. She does everything to make our lives difficult. The kids will love me and be all nice and stuff towards me, and then the minute they talk to their mom, they hate me. They wont tell me they love me, or kiss me or nothing. And it really hurts. I try really hard to be a good step mom, and it just doesnt seem to make them like me. What am I doing wrong? This is the only issue I have with my husband. We have a perfect relationship. We were made for each other and are so happy together. If only he had married me first life would be perfect .

Welcome to Bella Heather

No one said motherhood was easy whether it is your natural born children or your step children.

You say you are a NEW step mom- well Heather, you got to give everything time to develop. DON"T try to force love or a relationship. Let it develop and the kids will come around..If you try to force love, then it will not be real and genuine.

You got to give you and the kids a chance to really bond. Let them get to know you, you get to know them and learn and grow together. If you were thinking it was going to be an instant happy family- only in the movies.

You got to keep in mind that you are a new person/element in their lives and that they are now sharing their dad with another person. They need time to realize that there isn't going to be less love for them, but more love to go around for everyone. BOTH you and your husband need to reinforce this and ensure the kids they are not going to miss out on any love or attention.

As far as Mom goes- she might be feeling insecure now that you are in the picture, she will have to share their love with you. This is a change for everyone. If there are issues, discuss them with your husband.

Some advice from a mother of 3 and stepmother of 5-

1. NEVER bash their mother especially in front of the children. No matter how bad of a person she might be or whatever she has done, she is their mother. Address the issues away from the children ears.

2. Try to build some kind of relationship with their mother. IF you are in for the duration, you both need to get used to each other and get along because you are both in their lives.

3. Put yourself in their shoes before you react when concerning their mother.

4. Love them

5. Love them

6. Love them

Thanks for your reply. I do try not to say anything bad about their mom in front of them. That is hard when they ask me if I love there mom, I say mmhmm and smile and change the topic. I know that may not be right, but I am trying to be nice. I try to be nice to their mom. Even though for the first year my and DH were together she constintly called and left me nasty voicemails, even though I did nothing. I told her from the beginning I was not going to fight with her for the sake of the kids. She is nice to me to my face and then sends me nasty emails, or tells DH how much she hates me. And he does stick up for me. Its just so hard when the kids are mean to me, and dont want nothing to do with me. Because I want to be in their lives, and be a part of their lives. Im just hoping everything will be ok.

Go ahead and answer the question about whether you love their mother - but diplomatically.

Let them know that you were not the one that was married to their mom, and so never had any feelings for her. You are sure their dad did at one point, but now you and he love each other.

Let them know it is hard to be fiends with someone who once was married to the person you are in love with now - but because all 3 of you love them (the kids) so much, you all share a special bond that keeps you all together.


If they understand that it is love for them that is shared then maybe they won't feel so threatened.

I agree with you Michelle- it is a hard situation but as long as there is love and the kids feel secure, all will be well.

I agree. Just keep being loving and as they get old they will realize that you care. They are too young and vulnerable to be able to see things clearly. But with love, support and consistency, they will see it in days to come. As a daughter of a step mother, who was very abusive to me and my siblings, I can tell you that any person who is loving, is much appreciated. Conversely, when some is abusive, it follows you everywhere.

Dear Newstepmom--

Remember and feel a great big hug from all of us who are now in your position or have been. (My stepchidren were the age of yours). It is hard, very hard. But, eventually can be very good--at times.

I like what you've heard so far. Certain features arise in almost all blended situations (you might want to check the last post) and most of us are completely unprepared for them.

One of them is the bio-mom-step-mom dilemma. Humans just aren't made for turning your children over to another "mother" you had no part in choosing and who can do whatever she wants with your kids. And, we are not made to part-time manage the offspring of the man who is our husband and another woman.

What's called for is heroic and requires a great willingness to learn new ways of approaching family.

You're new to this and may be able to avoid many waiting (and natural to fall into) pitfalls. One, of these is making automatic and usually unpleasant discussions about the children and/or their mother the biggest topic in your married life. Another pitfall is to try to get comfortable by trying to get your husband to change the way he deals with his children or his ex-wife.

Mostly, you have to remember you're the same great lady that married your husband. Keep that in the forefront.

Good luck. You'll find great support here.
Mysteryshrink

I've been a stepmom now for almost 6 years. They were teenagers when we got married. The boy was 11 and the girl was 13. Up to today, they still won't tell me that they love me (when I tell them that I love them). The mother never buys them clothes or necessities ... I'm the one who did it. Yet, they think their mother is the best thing since sliced cheese! My SS even told me once that SD only "likes" me because of the stuff I buy for her (basic necessities like clothes and feminine products which is supposed to be a mother "duty"). I've giving loads of love and guidance over the past years ... yet I feel like I got absolutely nothing back in return. The mother doesn't like me at all and has badmouthed me so badly. She "poisoned" the kids against me. What took years for me to build up, only took a second for this woman to destroy.

HI! My stepson (N) is almost 7 and I came into his life nearly 4 years ago when our son was born and my husband and N moved in. After 4 years he still sees me as the wicked witch. He has problems with everyone in his life. He still loves his mom SO much, and thinks she is fantastic, even though she abandoned him when he was one and a half years old, and moved far far away. We have taken him to visit her twice since then and that is basically all the contact he has had with her, so that just goes to show how strong the bio bond really is. While I have taken care of him for most of his life, he would probably be glad if I disappeared off of the face of the earth today. I have done everything I can to be good to him, but whenever I say no to him he screams at me that i am rude or mean or even evil (i don't know where he gets that from). "No you can't have chocolate cake for breakfast" "You are so mean to me!" I know how you feel, it hurts so bad, especially now that it seems to be affecting how my natural son treats me, it is breaking my heart. I sometimes consider leaving my husband, even though I love him so much and we are now expecting twins, because it hurts so bad to be this "evil" person, no matter what i do. I need help too.

My heart really goes out to all the "wicked" stepparents out there ... especially if you're labelled as being "wicked" even though you give your all and do your best. We can just pray for each other in these cases. It's so difficult to be a stepparent.