BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Situation with teen age stepson

Hi ... I am new here, and hoping to get some feedback on my situation. First of all, hi to everyone and thank you for reading my post. Okay, just to introduce myself. I am 40 years, my husband is 45. We have been married for 1 1/2 years, together for three. My stepsons are 14 and 16. The boys are very close with their Dad, and I have a pretty good relationship with the boys. They come over every other weekend. The problem right now is that the oldest boy has been skipping school, lying to his Mom and staying out for half the night. His schooling could be in jeopardy. We offered to take him a year ago, and he was willing to come and live with his Dad. His Mom admitted then that she could not control him, but still stopped him from moving in with us. Okay, so she had him, and we had to let go of the idea of having him. Then, three months ago, she came to my DH and asked if he would take the son. This time, the son did not want to come. So, again, it was dropped, without any pushing or consequences. Now, it has reached what I guess they finally see as a crisis point. NOW ... it's a crisis! I feel so frustrated because I have been trying to advocate that this kid is in trouble and needs his Dad, but I feel like it wasn't taken seriously. Today, I came home and my DH said he had been talking to the Mom. They had decided that they were going to send him to military school. I was furious, for several reasons. I think he needs his Dad, and he needs a structured household. Hers is not. I have been crying out that we should get involved by moving closer and trying to provide a structured household with a male figure. Secondly, our household money (to which I contribute a great portion) will be involved in this decision. I believe that this gives me a say, since it is the money I earn that will be used. (My DH and I share everything, but consequently, I feel I should have a say before anything is decided on the phone!) Thirdly, I think it might destroy him. He is a very creative sensitive kid and military school is, I believe, a very harsh alternative. I would be afraid that he would run away and get himself into much worse trouble. I feel so frustrated right now. I got very angry with my husband and feel bad that I acted so poorly. Sometimes this situation feels so impossible, to be honest. Now, my husband is saying that he thinks maybe we should move, but I feel so torn and angry at this woman seeming to have so much power in our lives. How do I handle this situation more maturely, without letting it get me out of control? I want to do the right thing, for the kids and for our marriage, but I just feel so frustrated I can hardly stand it. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. I don't claim to know it all .... this has to be the most humbling and excruciating experience ever.

Dear Prairieprincess--
Wow. Your husband and stepsons are really lucky. Your sense of calm (when you can) comes through and your caring is certainly leading the way.

That said...welcome to the stepmother's world. Not that you haven't been there a very long time. Clearly the biological parents have gone around corners with helping this young man and you have, too. Like you, my husband and I have pooled funds and discussed expenses. However, the package deal includes lots of costs a single woman or a marriage with someone without children would not face.

That's the way a package deal goes. Now, I don't know your reality, that is, what kind of chunk the school costs will take out of your budget. Will the stepson's going to military school mean going without? If so, more care in the decision is called for. If not, treat it as if your husband is into collecting and fixing up old cars--that's expensive,too.

My concern is that if you go into a corner on this one, you will end up in a corner by yourself labeled as the one who blocked 'the only solution that could have saved' this kid. I know, military school is not the only solution, but it's the one the bios have landed on. From what you've described so far, this, too, may be a short-lived solution. Best to wait.

Now, here's mysteryshrink's HUGE challenge to you. What you said about this woman having so much power over you? I know, isn't that the wildest, foreign feeling? I'm so glad for this forum, because it takes a stepmom to know what it feels like.

The challenge is for you to redefine this woman's role in your life...not by trying to pretend she doesn't exist...and definitely not by trying to get your husband to think poorly of her or trying to get him to pretend she doesn't exist.

The bio mom is part of your family, too. (I know, there are all those sayings...'you aren't marrying the family'...but those are childlike ignoring of reality.) You have going for you that you, like the bio mom, care about these kids.

What's going on now is not that different than what goes on in intact families with kids the age of these...all trying to find a way through. It's not for sissies.
Let me know how it goes.
mysteryshrink

WOW-

You really do have a lot on you family plate. I can understand your frustrations for several reasons;

1. You care about this child and you have seen the change for the worst slowly transpire and you have felt all along like you were unable to do anything to stop it.- Obviously you care and the kids are lucky to have you in their lives.

2. You will be financially involved in the choice and you feel if this is the case then you should have some say- I agree with you 100% on this and you need to discuss this with your husband. Be careful not to bruise his pride when you discuss it otherwise you will jeopardize the end result.

3. Military School- Can you research other options and present it to both your husband and the mother? Maybe there are other options that have been overlooked and you could shed some light to everyone involved.

4. Son's well being- Maybe counseling would be a starting point and the military school as a last resort. The worst that could happen it doesn't work. Best obviously he gets the help he needs.

I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out.

I can almost relate to your situation. A year ago, my husband's ex asked if his oldest could live with us. They have 2 boys who don't get along at all. And I believe there were problems beginning to brew between the oldest and his step dad. But instead to trying to work through and correct the situation, all parties involved decided to turn the other check, so to speek. Now when the boys get together, or oldest SS is with his StepDad, nothing goes right. What I'm saying is, all parents need to work together for the child, cuz that is what's most important. If he's sent away, like my SS was with his mother, relationships will never be the same.