BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting I offended the EX

So my stepdaughter, 13, had some pictures on facebook of her with a lip ring. about 90 pics actually. i asked my H if he knew anything about his daughter having a lipring, he said he asked about it and no, she didnt have one. but this was before these pictures. although she did try to self pierce her lip. without the long drawn out story.. i called the EX to ask if she had a lip ring and she said no, it was a magnet stepdaughter used as a lip ring. so i said oh, ok, well thats it, just wondering, ok bye. so she writes my H saying she was "taken aback" by me calling her and asking her about the lip ring, and does she(me) think that i wouldnt consult you on a decision like that? does she think i didnt notice the hole in my daughter's face? and went on and on about how it was innappropriate for me to call and ask. FYI... the ex and i get along pretty well all considering. we dont really like each other but cant help that we do get along most of the time. i am feeling lost in this family, feeling like i have no role. i have been accused by my H of not trying to involve myself and so i chose to call and ask about this, simply so i was prepared when i saw my step daughter with a lip ring (or not). i wanted to know if she was lying when she said, mom lets me wear it... because she has lied many many times before this ay. so i was just checking in with her, to make sure that i was prepared to back her up and go along with whatever she had decided... anyways, feel like i was slapped on the hand with a ruler by a teacher who is telling me to back off and put me in my place.......... i hate that this woman has so much influence and control over our lives, due to custody and having to have a good relationship with my H because of the kids.... i feel like she is in our lives too much... thats ust the beginning too.. but anyways... advice? suport? what do you think? thanks guys : ) oh, my game plan at the moment is just to ignore her, forget that email and try not to let her affect my mood and ruin my day... my H is on my side..supportive, understanding, but i cant ask him to not have a good relationship (good as in, cordial and sometimes actually nice) with the EX.. i wish the EX didnt feel comfortable writing my H and email like that about me... i hate that she thinks my H will listen and sympathize or understand her... ok, enough rambling.. thx all

Wow-

Well the first question I have is did your husband or her mother see the photos that are on face book with her lip ring? I can understand how you feel. You were trying to get more involved as requested by your husband.

You might have stated and I may have overlooked, but does the Step daughter live with you and your husband or with her mother?

They unfortunately have to tolerate each other for the sake of the children but if he plans on building a life with you then he needs to make up his mind as far as your participation and also make it clear to all parties involved.

Good luck with it all.

Well, honestly, it wasn't your place to ask the mother about the lip ring. If the father was worried about it then he should be calling the mom and asking.

As a custodial Step Mom, I get it, as a custodial birth mom, I also get it.

Step moms have to take a step back and let the parents handle the children and then step in IF and only if it's a life or death situation and you must, or, if you're asked.

I would tell the mom you're sorry, that you were worried about your step daughter and the image she's portraying on FB and you're really sorry if you over stepped your bounds.

You are right. I was pretty [censored] off when i read this, but not at you. i walked away from the computer and pouted for a bit. you are right though, it wasnt my place to call and ask. my husband just seemed to not be sure and wasnt calling to find out and didnt seem concerned which bothered me, but i let it go. until he went to sleep and then i thought, i can just call her and ask. no big deal. but i can see why she was offended. i should have gotten my husbadn to ask if i was that concerned. however.... she was in a rotten mood because of an earlier fight with her daughter where she called my H to vent.. and i do believe that if she had been in a better mood, that she may not have been offended so easily. as i mentioned, EX and i have a pretty good relationship when it comes to the kids and getting along, most of the time. we have similar personalities etc. but what it comes down to, was that it was innappropriate for me to call and ask, and thank you for calling me on it, even though it wasnt what i wanted to hear. on the calling and apologizing... there is a bit of a history with this EX where she has been quite innappropriate with my H... joking about cyber sex in emails.. asking him to come back to her when he was 8mths away from marrying me... and i have never called her on those things or talked to her about them because i need a good relationship with this woman for the sake of these kids... of course my husband has gotten the brunt of my anger and frustrations for these things... but my point is, that i am not ready or willing to apologize to her. i would rather ignore it and pretend it never happened and put on a happy face next time i see her, this is also par for our relationship. thanks again for your thoughts,

Hi there, thanks for your thoughts and advice. i appreciate the help. My H is away for work from JAN-OCT for 6 weeks atta time, then home for 3 weeks... we have the kids for 2 out of 3 weeks when he is here. from oct-jan we have the kids every second week. So thier mother has full custody when my H is away with work. I dont know if the mom saw the pics, but i know my husband did. he saw the pics after he had already asked about the lip ring and been told no. it would not be unlike my SD to self pierce her lip and wear the ring at school or friends houses but not at home. i have also been the first to see innappropriate behaviour online on at least 3 occasions (swearing etc) so it wouldnt be the first time i bring some online situation to my husband or her attention. this screen jumping around as i type is hurting my eyes!

Dear 4face-

Picture yourself standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon. You have a rope around your waist connected to a medieval catpult.

Many issues regarding the stepteen will rip around the family in the next several years. You have pledged to never put yourself in the corner marked "the parent pointing out the bad behaviors" again.

Not ever. Not because you're wrong, but because parents are never glad to hear bad things about their kids. The usual response is defend and shoot the messenger...and that's without the complications of stepmother land.

Tell yourself if you ever take the outside-hardliner position again, the catapult will be released and away you go...

I'm hoping you can feel the little giggle. We have to stick together. My purpose in moderating this site is to share "what works" not what "should work" because we'll all go nuts.

Under it all I hear some good things in your efforts to get along with the ex. No one but you knows how hard that has been.

Let me know.
mysteryshrink

Hi Mystery Shrink: Thank you very much for your advice. At first I took the "dont step in unless they are in danger" approach and when I'm with my husband, that works well. I need to bite my tongue quite a bit, but I can handle it. When he is not there, I get so nervous in anticipation of having to stop the boys from fighting and what will be my approach, what could work, what should i do.... Last summer, my husband and I brought the kids to an overseas location, where H and I were living for my H's job... the kids came for 3mths. I was stay at home stepmom while H worked 8-12 hrs per day. So I have had some experience taking care of them one on one, and have been in the position to have to be the disciplinarian all day long.. i would often say, "your dad doesnt want you doing that" and my H and i made the rules and when I was alone with them, i enforced them, when he was home, he'd inforce them. since then we have come back to canada and now live near the kids. this one week on, one week off, is new for all of us. We have typical issues such as the EX complaining about driving the kids one way and stating that she has been doing it for 3 yrs so we owe her to always drive the kids everyway, everytime. And the kids using the "you went away, you dont care" "you dont know because you were gone" to hurt my H while arguing about kid behaviours... my H was unable to find work in Canada that would support his family and through a family connection found work over seas, would be gone for 3mths and home for 3 weeks atta time. he is now doing similar work in canada which still requires him to be away for 6 weeks atta time for half the year. Yes there are other jobs.. but my H needs to do something he enjoys for work and a career he could stick with for many years, he loves to travel, and a job which has a lot of travel also seems to give him a lot of free time with the kids when he is home. he does not have to work when he is home and therefore has 3 weeks straight with them.... anyways.... that is a bit of history for you! thanks again..

As time goes on, I am sure it will work itself out. It's not easy merging a family.

I recall you stating that your husband wanted you to be more involved? You should privately discuss this to find out exactly what "being more involved" means to him. Once he has expressed this, then at that point make sure you are all on the same page.

I wish you the best of luck. I know how hard it can be.

Maureen