BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Not sure I want kids, my husband does

I will try to be brief on such a complex issue. I don't know if I want kids. I am not sure if I am scared, not ready, anxious, or something else, but don't really have a desire for them at this point. I am 34. My husband is 35. He definitely wants kids. We have been married for 4 years and love each other, are best friends, maybe soul mates. I don't think either of us sees our lives w/o each other. This is a recent topic that keeps coming up bc of our age and state in life i suppose. Many of our friends have kids and several are pregnant. Before we married I think i probably said I wanted kids although probably not enthusiastically and probably said I didn't want many. I dont' think I was lying, I think I just thought it would come naturally and that was a step that would come. But years later I dont' feel like I want them. I see them around me and just don't want them. The thought of having them overwhelms me in so many ways- financial, emotional, logistical, physical..everything. The thought of adopting seems slightly more appealing for some reason and a bit less scary. I respect his desire for kids. He wants his own. I don't have any reason to think we can't have our own. We are being honest w each other, but its a difficult thing to resolve. I don't want him to resent me if we don't, but I don't want to do something this huge if I am not sure I want to. That isn't fair either. This has been weighing on me more and more. And now I feel like "the clock is ticking". Its unfair. I would love any advice, words of encouragement, questions.. hm that wasn't too brief. Thanks. I've never posted something like this to a forum before.

Hi Upsetconfused, how I hear you! My situation is so similar to yours. Before getting married, I had agreed with my husband that kids would eventually be in the picture, but as time went by, my desire to have any was ZERO, although I tried very hard to convince myself that I wanted, and I grew more and more worried. Every time that I asked him if he still wanted any, he answered that yes, maybe, eventually, why not? Then I turned 35 and thought the torturing had to stop and I must decide. Finding this forum was a blessing because it helped me realize that deep down, I DIDN'T want to have kids at all, I DIDN'T want to be a mother, and guess what? IT'S OK!!! So one day I told him that I had decided not to have kids ever, it was a huge shock for him!! He now feels betrayed because he went into the marriage thinking that I wanted a family. The thing is, I didn't betray him because back then when I said I wanted kids, I REALLY thought I wanted them! (I'm even more shocked than he is about my decision). I didn't deliberately mislead him. Although I'm so at peace with my decision, I also feel bad and guilty that I'm taking away his right to be a father and everything that comes with it (if he decides to stay with me of course). I love him so much, he's the love of my life, and if I were to lose him over this I would be devastated but I rather suffer the separation than be miserable with a kid for the rest of my life. However, so far all his actions make me believe that deep down he doesn't want any either, he's just not "there" yet. (I can imagine it must be also hard for a man to decide to be CF, they also get pressure from society and family/friends just like we do). I'm sorry I can't give you any advice, except not to give in to anyone about your decision to have kids or not, not even your husband. It's your life, your body, your future. Decide what will make you happy. Also try to have lots of conversations with your husband about the "reality" of having kids, such as the loss of privacy, the financial drain, the lack of free time to yourselves, the constant caring and worrying for another human being. Whenever I tell this to my husband he just has a blank stare and I can see how far he is in Fantasyland about baby issues. I wish you good luck and if you want to share more you can write to me.

Thank you for responding. I agree, this is a really great resource for people. It is hard to find people to talk to about this who really understand. I agree with most of what you say. It is just always a little easier said than done. The difference I guess is I haven't fully decided or accepted that I dont' want kids. I keep thinking maybe I'm just not ready or maybe everyone is scared. But as time goes by the more I think I just don't want them. I wish I did. As hard as it is having kids, I think wanting them would make my life easier. I wish I wanted them. I really do see great things about having them. I'm sure its an amazing experience. It could be that after I have one I would be so overwhelmed with love. But what if i'm not? I'm scared to and I'm scared not to. My husband and I just keep going in circles and then deciding to put off the conversation further. We do need to go to counseling. But for some reason I have been procrastinating. I should add I have 2 dogs and LOVE, LIVE for them. If having kids is like that, then great! If i had to sacrifice what I think you have to for them, i think i would. I just can't wrap my head around a human child. Its even hard for me to understand people I know having them much less myself. I don't know why I'm like this. It feels like I might be abnormal or weak or scared or negative. In contrast, my husband doesn't seem to be no ready at all. I think he'd be ready right now if I agreed. Its really a predicament I never thought I would be in and have not heard many people talk about. I have heard of some women wanting them and men not, is that more common? That actually seems like a (slightly) easier situation only bc being the woman who doesn't want one, I am the one who is primarily, at least physically involved. And lets face it, most of the parents I know, the mom does 50% or more of the work. At least we know we love each other, love many similar things, and are being, mostly, honest. sigh.

First of all I am so sorry you are going through something like that. I know how hard it is, I went through the same thing. I felt exactly like that. Only slightly different: I never said or implied I wanted children. And still I felt so guilty because I couldn't feel like everybody else and give my husband what he wanted and, in my eyes, deserved for being a beautiful generous human being. And I felt abnormal too.

I started a thread long ago "When it's too late, it gets worse" talking in full detail about my experience, you can find it clicking on my name (it is one of my oldest posts) or going to advance search. I got eventually pregnant, and suffered immensely, and the only thing that gave me hope was the promise (yeah, everybody promises that) that I would be overwhelmed by happiness. Well, it didn't happen.

I also like dogs, but their demands are nothing compared to a child's.

You say you need a counselor. Unless you guys have other issues (couple dynamics, communication problems....) the kid issue is NOT something for a counselor. I am no stranger to therapy, and believe me, there is nothing psychologically or behavior-wise wrong about not wanting a child. It is a personal decision. You cannot hope that a counselor convinces you of the greatness of motherhood. And if you find one who tries, RUN AWAY, lol.

I also had heard about men not wanting children and women suffering because of that. And that made me feel even worse. But then one day I realized that in my real life I knew 2 women (apart from me) who didn't want children, and no man, and then I realized that this feeling comes from movies and TV series where women always are desperate to have children but men are to immature to deliver. I think the separation of the concepts of "woman" and "mother" is one of the ultimate tabues.

My son is now 2 and a half, I love him very much now, my husband is totally in love with him, and my marriage is great, so I cannot really demonize having children anymore (although I would never ever have another child). But it took 2 years therapy (and a lot of posts here lol) to reach this point. In case you ever do anything that goes against your wishes your guts and your common sense, keep realistic expectations and be sure your husband would take at least the 50% responsibility/ work you mention!!!

Solalux, I read your post. I am at work and almost cried. I feel like I am in a very similar situation and at waivering on doing what you did. This is bc I can't imagine denying my husband this and I can't imagine us not being together but I guess that is the issue. I understand it is not fair of him to ask me to go thru this thing that I don't want to do either. This is one of the worst dilemmas that I never thought I would find myself in. You just really dont' think about this when you are younger. We are at the point now of looking into 2 bdrms , exploring the options etc. but that is scary too as then my excuses (space) are even more limited. I mean it isn't just an excuse we do have no space. I agree w what you and others have said that there are no groups and little public understanding of this. I feel like it is just a constant puzzle in my head. A recurring loop. It only seems to really have been forefront for about a yr or so. I guess after you get married, get to a certain age, buy a place, thats what you face. I am soo scared of the future either way. With kids or without them. People say all of the same things to me that everyone else posts. I obviously dont; tell them all of my feelings but admit i'm scared, overwhelmed, often with humor. They say, you will want them, you will adjust, it will be the best thing... I can sort of see it far in the future, the people, the family, the bond, but the short term, by far scares me the most. The pregnancy, the baby, there is nothing in me that looks forward to that. It only makes me anxious and tired. I almsost feel like having a nervous breakdown. I do tend to be a worrier anyway and anxious so sometimes i do need to be pushed a little. this is sometimes good that my husband is more laid back. But with such a big issue its very hard to take that step or leap. I guess there is no easy solution but it definitely helps to hear the similar stories, the understanding, the feeling you are not alone, not a weird woman.

I could have written your posts (down to the part about loving and living for your 2 dogs). I still struggle with my feelings on whether or not I want to be a parent. My husband brought it up a few months ago, and luckily we aren't in a good position to get pregnant (his job will change in a year, we need to buy a house, possibly move states, etc) so I am able to table the discussion for now. In the meantime, I'm working on thinking of the good things that could come from having a baby. Maybe I just need to change the way I'm thinking about it. If I spend all day thinking "no kids, no kids, no kids" then I'm not really giving myself a chance to rethink my thoughts. So, that's where we stand. Of course the other night I had a nightmare that we had a toddler and twin infants, and my husband decided he didn't want to be married to me anymore and wanted me to have full custody of the kids, and what I said out loud to him (in the dream) was, "I KNEW this was going to happen if I had your kids." Scared the [censored] outta me.

I understand what you mean about thinking positively but trying to convince yourself to have kids isn't going to work.

Trying to brainwash yourself into thinking having a baby won't be all bad may backfire on you when you actually do have a baby. Then realize yes, it can get that bad. Having a baby isn't easy but life isn't easy. It isn't about taking the easy way out as much as living your life as you desire to live it.
If you want kids, that's great. But you should WANT them. Having them just because you tell yourself it won't be so bad is definitely not fair to anyone, especially you.

Instead of trying to please someone else, think about what your life will really be like when you have kids. How would YOU feel?

Why as women do we feel the need to give into our husband's demands and the men don't seem to feel like this at all? How is that fair in your marriage?

Personally I believe this, if someone can't handle the way you wish to live your life, then they shouldn't be in it. Children are not negotiable and should never be considered as such.

Jellyroll .. you have a way with words...very good. I agree with all you said. (smiles)

Jellyroll, I completely agree. But just as I shouldn't try to brainwash myself into thinking I want a kid, I also shouldn't brainwash myself into thinking that I can't possibly enjoy it. I'm trying to allow myself to think both thoughts and consider the pros and cons of each.

This brainwashing idea is very dangerous, because the human mind is very powerful and you can "brainwash" yourself into anything.

Since I can remember, the thought of birth was so horrible and disgusting to me that since age 9 I never wanted to have children. I grew up and I never thought a child was worth so much horror and I was OK, never felt the need to have one.

Then I met my child-loving husband, and I started to freak out, thinking that I might have "brainwashed" myself into not liking children because birth is such a horrible thing, and I started then to "brainwash" me into believing that if everybody does it and seems to think it is great, I might enjoy it too. I suddenly started thinking that maybe I had buried my maternal feelings because of some phobia. I was going crazy for months, on an emotional roller coaster that made me suffer like I had never suffered. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted anymore.

Well I have learned now, there are women who feel horrible about birth and suck it up because they want children so much, or go to phobia therapy or have a C-section programed.

I think that if we look into ourselves we find ourselves, if we use other people's idea of happiness to measure ourselves up to them, that can develop into brainwashing.