BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting I'm having trouble......HELP

:eek:Hi I'm need to this forum, I am in deperate need of advice because I am loosing my mind. I live with my boyfriend and his 6 year old daughter and our 6 month old. She is with us 95% of the time and never spend the night or more that 5 hours away from us, so I think that show she is ours not moms. I'm not in a divorce situation or anythin. My boyfriend had this child with an ex girlfriend at 16, and they never continued as a reletionship. My yr old stepdaughter doesnt even remember them ever being a couple, she has always remeberered her bio mom with her husband and her dad with me. I met my boyfriend when she was 2 1/2, so I have been around and in the pic for ever. Last year around dec. bio mom decided to divorce and and give the 6 yr old to us. Since jan of 09 she has been living with us. ever since ive known her she been spoiled rotten. mom never ever set any boundaries and dad felt like he can never punish her before because he only had her for visiting. well since she came to live with us I tried to get us all in a comfy routine, but it was happening so i backe doff, and I was very lenient on many things. dad nevered stepped in to put any kind of order. well her i am today almost 10 months later pulling my hair out becuase she is outta control. I cannot even ask her o go to bed with out getting a fit or an argument of why she doesnt want to. she talks back to everybody, she never listens. I tell her to do somethign nicely and she doesnt even stop to look at me and pay attention. I end up going to sleep soooo late evrynight because I cant get a somewhat decent schedule set up to do chore because i sidetracked every second with her bad behavior or her arguement or her demanding something from me. She can even sya can I have juice pleas, it always more like give me this and that. i am starting to recent both her and my boyfriend, really bad. because he rarely ever steps in to add order, he always thinks it's okay and when he does say something like go to bed he never goes thru with it, he used warnings and warnigns and never any consequences. i am so upset about this. I cant enjoy any time at home because it is coplete chaos, plus i never have any time for my and my boyfriend because she wont even let us have a conversation without interupting. This is really starting to jeoperdize my relationship, I love my boyfriend to death but I cant stand his daughter and her behavior anymore. I have tried somany things and nothing works, rewards, talking with her, talking with him,.. I need help. I have been goign to counseling for myself to help me cope with my problem and my feelings. I feel so bad that i feel this way...but im sooo tiered. I have two children to deal with, that i got practically at the same time....im a new mom and this child is really driving me insane. HELP ME PLEASE!

Sounds to me like you are very young and trying your best with out any help from the Dad. Do you have family of your own? You need support and your boyfriend sounds like he needs some guidence of his own.Relationships are difficult and take alot of work and step parenting is a nightmare. I am glad you are in counceling. That little girl is lost and sounds like you are the only one willing to be there for her. Hang in there but don't forget to take care of your self.

Thanks Punkin! I am trying to do the best I can, I really am and yes I am young, I think, I'm 23. And honestly this has been such a change for me and I feel so overwhelmed and unhappy. I feel like I have no one. I am not close to my family, well at least not enough to tell them whats going on and , well I only have my mom and I can't tell her. I don't have the best of relationships with her. I love her but she is very abusive and somewhat possesive about me. She was totally against the whole idea of me having a step daughter and moving in with my boyfriend anyway. So she would just say I told you so. No support whatsoever. I hope I don't go insane. Thanks again.

I am so sorry you have no support with such a hard job.

Dear Mominaflash--
Wow. As hard as it is, and as much as you may want to punch me in the nose...this too shall pass. She will grow up, and every step she takes toward maturity will help.

Okay, while you still have your fist poised to poke me, don't give up on a relationship with your maybe-stepdaughter. If you do, your relationship with your boyfriend will be miserable. Eventually, you won't spend time talking because it's always about the daughter. The daughter and father will be pushed closer together, and while their being close doesn't threaten your relationship with the father...when the closeness is defend against you...it's just not a good way to go.

The first step is to calmly assess your relationhip with your boyfriend. If you marry him, he is a package deal. If you marry him you will have to rethink your approach with the daughter. No one has to take on a package deal. There's no shame in saying, "Sorry, but I don't want the complications of marrying someone with a child from another marriage..."

If you choose to stay, it's package deal all the way. I became a stepmother at 22, and while being young has disadvantages, there are advantages, too. You have energy and time you won't have in twenty years. The fact that your maybe stepchild is a girl is a help, too. There are 'girl things' that lend themselves to stepmother-stepdaughter enjoyment.

One last thing. When I became a stepmother, I first thought, 'this will be easy and fun.' Within a year I had feelings I didn't know existed in me. I felt jealousy, anger, and other feelings I didn't like and didn't feel good about. So,it's important to cut your self the biggest break in the world. This stuff is hard.

Also, I'd advise against using family to talk about these difficulties. If your boyfriend becomes your life partner, family will not forget the problems you've had with his parenting and not forget the problems your stepdaughter has caused you...and these memories will make it hard for your blended family to be comfortable. I do hope you can find a friend where you can 'just let'er rip' and say anything you want. The forum's a good place, too.

Good luck,
mysteryshrink