BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting 28 year old stepson - like a puppet on a string

What is the worst thing that can happen if 1 28 year old man gets too much help from his father? I have been with my husband over 20 years. My husband has babied and coddled his son all his life. However now that my stepson is 28 I am becoming alarmed. The last two friends my stepson has started hanging around with he met through his parents. Every week he meets his dad for 3 or 4 hours to shoot pool and to discuss with his father any problems he might have. Two years ago I called him to make arrangements for his father's birthday and he told me he and his father had already made arrangements - it was their pool night! He was very nice about it but because it was their scheduled pool night he felt that kind of superseded any other plans we might make for his father's birthday. When I confronted his father his dad became flustered and said he had just made a mistake about the dates. He has never had a girlfriend. He complains about this every week to his father so his father is going to try and get him a girlfriend. My stepson has an easy job that is not too stressful. My stepson got the job on his own - but according to my husband he kept it because he would make sure his son got up every morning in a timely fashion and would often drive him to work. My stepson recently subitted a resume for a job and it was a mess - the manager sent it back and told him what to correct. My husband dropped everything and raced over to make sure that he got it right the 2nd time. My husband does his income tax, fixes his car buys him clothes for his birthday because their have been compaints about what his son wears. My stepson is in a band. My husband has gone to every gig his son has played. No other parent in the band has done this. My stepson took a long time to leave home and this caused a lot of problems in the marriage. My husband now explains it was worth it because by waiting his son moved in with someone he approved of -someone who was safe. My husband has been urging his son to move to the downtown core because there is more action there - my stepson has just announced he is moving to the downtown core. My husband says he does a lot of stuff for his son because his son is not a strong person and cannot handle a lot of stress. This may be somewhat true I guess. So basically my husband is doing his income tax, buying his clothes,telling him where to live, trying to get him a girlfriend, finding him friends, meeting with him for 2 or 3 hours every week, talking to him every 2nd day on the phone. I have accepted the fact that this is the way they are together but I'm sort of worried what happens to a 28 year old that gets to much help.

Wow, talk about controlling! I don't think he's doing his son any favors by inhibiting him from growing up and accepting responsibility on his own. I feel really sorry for the kid. How is he going to learn to act and react in the world on his own? What if his dad died tomorrow--could be function? In my view, it is a parents RESPONSIBILITY to make sure their kids grow up respectful and responsible adults. Do you believe he's doing that?

I just don't know what to make of it. I have no children of my own. I see other people in my family helping out their adult children a lot, so I get confused. My stepson is responsible. He holds down a job. Pays his own bills. He just never has to break a sweat in life. You're right though the only problem with this situation is that if my husband died tomorrow he might have difficultly. They tell parents to teach their child to be independent but I'm just wondering has the parenting rule book changed. My stepson seems to be doing OK or maybe he will start having troubles in his 30's or 40's. I just don't know.

Dear Henrietta--
First, let me congratulate you on being able to present your concerns without a great deal of anxiety. Most stepmothers (myself at 22 included) cannot be so calm.

Your stance of acceptance is admirable and probably what has helped your husband get a little more objective about his son. I try to think of family relationships in 'natural' terms. For whatever reason, your husband is fearful about his son's abilities. If you can keep the stance, "I know you spend more time with your son and thinking about your son than most father's, but I know you will work this out," your marriage will greatly benefit.

The good news is that your husband genuinely wants his son to grow up and have a life and family of his own. Some men are really slow to grow up and don't until that certain young woman comes along. And she will come along.

It sounds like your stepson genuinely cares about you, which is great and rare after what you went through before with him.

This is going to sound crazy, but, oh, well. In thinking about the way this emotional system moves...could you set up to meet your stepson for lunch (without your husband) on a semi-regular schdule? You'll be surprised at how the energy will shift. Your husband may be anxious about your doing this at first, but you can assure him, "I know this is different, but I want to work on my own relationship with ____. When you two are together, you enjoy seeing each other so much, I don't work on my relationship with him."

Let me know.
mysteryshrink

Thanks so much. I had 3 issues that have been eating away at me for the past few years and I think you have resolved them. Based on your previous comments to me in another thread I had my stepson over for supper. All went well and the tension has eased between us. I think you are right on. I think that once he gets a girlfriend he will talk to his girlfriend about all his troubles, which is what couples do. She will have input into what he wears, where he lives and dad's opinion will not matter as much. I just had never looked at it that way. You're also right in that there should have been more emphasis put on his bonding with me. Because he has talked to me in monosyllables most of life (and because I let him) we are really strangers in some ways. We know about each other but don't really know each other. I think what I will do is invite him over to play cards or something like that. Perhaps when he gets a girlfriend he can bring her over. I am very happy. A weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Thanks so much. You are great!

I know plenty of Mums that spend a similar amount of time with their grown up daughters, but no-one seems to think that's odd, in fact people usually comment on what a good thing it is. He sounds like a brilliant dad to me, personally I can't see the problem.

Believe me I have looked at this every way... mother-daughter, mother-son, father-son. I got a headache trying to figure all that out. I also think it is a generational problem. When I was 28, guys were more independent. My stepson's friends are not getting married, they take hobby courses at college, they drop out of school several times. They move home to live in the basement and then move back out. There is more divorce in his generation, his was the 1st generation that had double income familes so there was more disposable income. His was the first generation who were familiar with computers and video games. I realize now that this is just a whole different ball game then when I was growing up. I think Barbara DeShong is correct though things will change when he gets a girl friend. I just have to concentrate on maybe bonding with him so we actual know each other.

[quote=henrietta] I also think it is a generational problem. [/quote] Using derogatory phrases such as "babied and coddled" just sound like you're jealous of the attention your husband is giving his son. He'll pick up on this, and it's not going to make him want to get to know you any better. As I said before, he sounds like a great dad, the sort of dad anyone would be proud to have. His son isn't 'babied' or 'coddled', he's 'loved'.

I think you have been insulting people all over this forum today.

Henrietta, if you have been with your husband for over 20 years, then you have been around this young man since he was 8. You have been able to watch this boy grow into a young man, and you have not mentioned that he has done anything wrong morally, ethically, socially or criminally. My first thought is that you and your husband are very lucky parents. Your stepson sounds like a pretty normal 28 year old to me. (I have 4 grown kids who are all successful, independent and happy, and we overindulge them all at different times, and I even have bought each of them adult clothes, too.) So, he holds down a job and pays his own bills but he doesn't have a girlfriend at the moment and doesn't have a social life that you can see or even understand. I don't think (IMHO) that there is any reason for you to be worried.

I think it is admirable that you want to get to know your stepson better, I just wonder why you haven't tried to bridge that gap before now. I have 2 stepdaughters who have been part of my life for almost 30 years (since they were 4 and 6) and sometimes we are closer than other times. But they DO enjoy and accept my intentions and attentions in being more involved in their daily activities, so I am sure that your stepson will be more than happy to share his life with you, too. As long as you don't try to change him or get too personal, you have a chance to build something with him.

His father, your husband, sounds like a really smart, loving man and I don't think he is coddling his son as much as being a part of his life. It is admirable that they spend a few hours together each week and it would probably be nice if you could afford both of them even more time together by offering dinner, cards or a movie. That way you could be part of the developing relationship, too.

17 years ago I felt hurt (and a little jealous, too) when my husband's youngest daughter said she would like to spend more time with her father, without me. She was 18 and starting to feel like a mature young woman and must have begun to feel as though she had to share her dad with me. I was the parent, the adult, and made it a point for her dad to take her out to eat and visit by himself, so she could have her "alone time" with him. They both appreciated it and before too long, things went back to family, group activites.

Please try to understand that young people today ARE different than young people were 30 or 40 years ago. People live longer now and young people are not in such a hurry to settle down with one person for the rest of their lives. As long as they work, earn a living, pay their bills, are good citizens and stay out of trouble, then we should be grateful and give thanks. And if they still have time for us, the family, then we are doubly blest!

Good luck and God bless you.

___________
Trish