BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids "Don't think about having kids, just do it!"

"Don't think about having kids, just do it." This is exactly what my husband heard from his brother's fiancee's mother yesterday at their engagement party.
It's no wonder her daughter is marrying into a disastrous relationship and comes up with every excuse in the book to defend being with him. Her mother must be giving her terrible advice like this all the time. Her sister is a mess with men as well. And from what I hear, the mother herself doesn't have the healthiest marriage with their dad.

So while we're there, his aunt begins talking about her daughter's infertility issues. She looks over at me and says "It's about time you guys have kids." I shake my head and tell her "Nope. Not me." She angered hubby and I told him it was okay. I can handle myself.

Later that night I was in a conversation with his brother's fiancee about living together before marriage. Well, I guess she found that offensive and brought up the baby thing, trying to aggravate me I guess. She said something like "Well of course marriage is going to be hard (which is not what I was implying). It's like having a baby. I'm not going to not have a baby simply because it's hard. I'll do it and get over it."
I kinda felt that was meant as a personal attack on me. I didn't mean to offend her and told her that. Guess I asked for that one though. Should've never bothered talking to her about marriage in any way. I've always minded my business when it comes to their relationship. I just asked if they thought living together before marriage would be a good idea. I just wish she hadn't attacked me like that. I didn't attack her, there was no need for it. She's always been a [censored] with me though.

I know most people mean well but really, what kind of talk is this? Don't think about it, just do it? If I thought like that my life would be a disaster. Children are something you should desire, not just have because you can.

I don't even have a response for these kinds of comments. I already have distanced myself from my in laws because of many reasons and now I dread seeing them. It really hurts my feelings sometimes. I would love to have a closer relationship with them but I can't like this. The whole thing saddens me.

When asked about why I didn't want to have children, I would sometimes come up with a number of (for me) solid reasons, and more than once I've heard: "you are thinking too much", "you cannot be so rational about this", and once even better "if everybody was so rational, nobody would have children (!!!) So as absurd as the comment may seem, I have heard similar at the other side of the Atlantic.

Once I got the strength to say: "you must see or feel a positive aspect to having children that makes you overlook the negative aspects, and that, I seem to be missing". But for the most part, I was speechless too. The thought that people embark on such a huge issue without giving it a single thought is really alarming, and explains a lot.

hmmm..sometimes without thinking also peoples get kids.... ;)

Maybe a simple response like " Well, I wasn't implying that marriage would be hard, and as far as having a child I'm glad you're up for it, I'd love to be an aunt." Then, excuse yourself. I think some people become defensive when they see someone making a different life decision than they would, or maybe they really want to make that same decision, but lack the courage! lol!

[quote=Solalux] Once I got the strength to say: "you must see or feel a positive aspect to having children that makes you overlook the negative aspects, and that, I seem to be missing". But for the most part, I was speechless too. The thought that people embark on such a huge issue without giving it a single thought is really alarming, and explains a lot. [/quote] Wow, that's so insightful. I'm sure this is often the case with people, they set out to have children only focused on the positive (mainly because society promotes this). Many CFC people probably identify more with the negatives, or a blend of the positives and the negatives (REALISTIC!). You sound really intelligent!

It's such a shame that some people put more time and effort into choosing a pair of shoes than bringing another life into the world.

Honestly, if someone truly cares about children and their welfare, then "just do it" is no kind of an answer. It's the kind of thing you say about bungee jumping, or joining a book club, not about a lifetime commitment.

Exactly, Kalinka. Last I heard, "Just do it" was a Nike commercial. Along the same lines, I've heard people say, "Don't think too much about having kids or you'll never do it," as a way of encouraging people to *have* them (!) Or another favorite is, "If you wait until you're ready to have kids, you'll never do it." I can't think of another huge life altering decision where people are encouraged to just go ahead and not put a lot of thought into it. Boggles the mind.

I know this might sound odd...But I think the fact of having a baby being a "life-commitment" or seen with some type of "fear" has anything to do with your actual [desire]. Example; I like tattoos, and I'm fine that they're permanent..that doesn't scare me or stop me from getting one. I don't even mind the pain. (I've had sereral piercings already)I just don't find it necessary nor do i really desire one! But when I see them on ppl i think its awesome! -Same with a child...I don't find it necessary and if i change my mind later and I desire to raise a child..I'll do it. Simple as that.But for now I can live without. I don't think I'm not capable or fear commitment or think that I'm irresponsible. I've actually been told that I'd be a fantastic parent..more than 5 times for sure. I don't personally believe that commitment is the issue here and that's what ppl assume about your character when you simply don't desire or feel the need to procreate, is exactly that! They think your selfish! They think you're full of ur self or immature & irresponsible. I think if someone can't respect your decisions then you shouldn't bother to be acquainted. And like someone already said most people who poke at you about the subject is probably because they hate on you or simply envy you. They obviously dont know about unconditional love and I wouldnt talk to them either if they dont understand you and most of all accept you. In other words...[F]THEM! And ppl will continue to bug you about it and it will just varie on the topic. Though having a child is such a huge decision; people take it lightly and say...ooops! Here's another human...And i do want to believe we're all brought by some type of love rather than passion, but that isnt the truth in all cases!..I rather think..Well, thank *God I'm here! :) And while the time you spend reading what i said..about a thousand kids were brought here to Earth from parents that were ready to take on those responsibilities and also born to those who never meditated on, planned on or questioned their abilities to take on such a role. Ladies...there's nothing we can do about it except PROMOTE BIRTH CONTROL! (shrugs)

P.S If you bring someone to this world, raise them well for God's sake! Don't bring another person who will hurt others...we need more peace! Less violence and greed plz Ciao! Beth

Oh Yes, my so-called best friend said this same thing to me. "Don't think - just do!" And she's got 2 kids and a husband who makes minimum wage, no job for herself, a *tiny* apartment where she doesn't even have her own bedroom (the kids each have one, though) and is probably taking advantage of some kind of welfare (she has in the past). I don't even think she has a car anymore. She can barely even feed her family and will talk about her situation until someone feels bad and volunteers to buy her groceries. After all, she does have kids to feed and why should they suffer because she can't pull it together? Let's not mention that both of her kids are in oodles of expensive activities, have cell phones, video game equipment, you name it! In her case, it's ALL about the kids. But the problem with that kind of thinking is that no adult in the situation means they are going to suffer even when they are spoiled to poverty. Yes, I've thought about it. And thought about it. And thought about it. And I still occasionally think about it. But, no way am I going to take advice from someone who doesn't think at all. I understand that having faith involves taking a leap. Somewhere in that leap, all control and rationality can possibly give way to boundless love. I understand that can happen. I get it. You can overthink something to death, kill it completely. But, if I'm thinking this hard about it, does that mean I *should* do it - or does that mean I shouldn't? In my world, if you're unsure of something - then DON'T do it.