BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Just married; already being bugged about kids!

I just got married recently. I am so in love with this man..so in love. Now here is the thing...because I'm married, family members are beginning to assume that i want children with my-oh-so handsome man. But I don't and I don't know the reason. Do I have to have one? At the beginning of our relationship he forgot, or better said...he neglected to mention that he has a child. It was about 3 to 4 months in, that a friend of mine told me he had a little girl. Of course i freaked. I even cried a little. I moved on from this, decided...hey, I'm in love with him what can i do now. He had her when he was 16, and the other woman was 18. (That made me frown a bit) His reason for not telling me was that I'd be too quick to judge and i would of run so far we would never cross paths again. (TRUE THAT) The child lives across the country with her mother, and because of that fact it was easier to accept. For some time after that i felt that i had to have child with him or else i wouldn't be accepted. I just felt that i had to but i knew in my hear that's not what i wanted. I don't even know why i felt that way ? Its like pressure from his family..expecting a grandchild. My mom expects me to graduate, to travel, to buy a house, and a spankin' new car...she doesnt talk about babies..maybe she knows me better. He tells me that he wants at least one child with me because he didn't want to have a child with that other woman. He tells me we'd be a happy family because we're so in love, that it just feels right. I know he got hurt when i told him i didnt want children. Im sure he thinks its unfair and so do i but I dont want to be huge; walk around like a duck or take care of another human life. When only some of my goals have been met, I have big dreams and awesome plans. His parents bug the ..... out of me about grandchildren. My sister-in-law has a child and shes only 18...and to be honest she doesn't look miserable but she doesnt look super happy either. Her and her boyfriend ask when we're gonna have a kid..and that is the most annoying effin question. What do i say to that...I've tried staying silent but damn do i wanna scream at them! I'm the only child to my mom, and for that reason alone i feel a guilty for not wanting to have a child..ever. It hurts me to hurt others but I had an abortion when i was younger to prevent being a young parent. Now the idea of being a parent when i'm older doesn't sound appealing at all either. I had the abortion so i can go to college, so i can have freedom. I learned from that mistake and I don't want to make another one. At this point I cant deal with people bringing up me being pregnant some day. My husband says his okay with us not having kids but his energy tells me different. I cant tell wether I'm a bit traumatized by the abortion? I dont know..I've heard people get traumatized by these things.. or I simply don't want kids. Plus he already has one, and that turns me off a lot too. I had a GREAT..FANTASTIC childhood and i want the same from my adulthood. I also think that if someone decides to bring a child to this earth it should be a mutual decision, be emotionally ready as well as financially ready. What i hate the most is that if i say something about it to anyone...they'll say.."oh you don't know what your talking about, oh its cause your young" What should i say...I don't get why it must be brought up. I haven't even finished school?! Ciao, Betz

You will turn 30 and people will still bug you about it. It happened to me and I wasn't even dating, but I guess it was my fault for "coming out"(by which I mean, saying openly that I didn't want any) when asked or whenever the situation demanded it.
I ignore the meaning of biological clock. But I stupidly thought that people who kept telling me that I would change my mind knew something about life and its meaning that I couldn't quite grasp.
When I got pregnant I wanted to have an abortion, and if I had had the support of my then bf I would have done it with no regrets. I didn't, I had the child, married my bf, and guess what? there is nothing more to it. Either you want kids or you don't. I love my child, but I miss my life before, my life makes as much sense as before, and I still don't understand why people think it is so important to have children. I think it is a mixture of some animal instinct that for some reason we don't have, and society/peer pressure.

I agree about some sort of instinct that we don't have. I think babies are cute and all but I sure don't ga ga over them like other women and get a sudden urge to procreate. Too many women have babies because "that's what you do"! I wish we could empower more girls to listen to their lack of this instinct. I played with dolls, but I honestly never role played that I was their mother. Just like I have babysat for kids but I will never be a mother to a kid!! Being a mother is a job- a lifelong career at that. Even if you were to work in a real job outside of the home. Just like I know I would not make a good cop or doctor or firefighter, well I would not make a good mother.I don't want any of those jobs yet no one would question me further if I said I am not going to be a cop- no one would say, you will change your mind...!!!!
You are who you are and bringing a child into this world does not make you more fulfilled or a better human being! Some people enjoy being parents and find it fulfilling- great for them. To go back to my example, firefighters are heroes and it is a very fulfilling job. But if I were to stupidly try and do the job it wouldn't be that way for me. I would actually cause more problems because my heart would not be in it! I would not save lives- I would cause a disaster!
We have to be strong in our convictions- we know deep inside what is right for us. This forum and many other sites can help us deal with all this external pressure from pushy people!

Thanks for the reply ..I really appreciate it. I like that I'm not judged for thinking the way I do. I feel I am being more responsible. But others think I'm being unreasonable and selfish. My husband's father has this way of thinking...that "its the law of life" to have a baby. It makes me want to smack him when he looks at me and makes remarks about me being pregnant. I JUST GOT MARRIED! GEEZ The more they talk about it; the more they turn me off about it. I just want to be 20 years old. Not a mom, just 20. Just because everyone wants to be a young parent these days ...doesn't mean i do. And if I were to ever change my mind it has to be at my own time. :] Thanks for the advice

This is something between you and your husband, not his family. Let him know that he should tell them to stop pestering you. They should respect you and leave you the hell alone! If they can't, then stop communicating with them.

I already told my in laws how I felt, so far they don't bring up the baby question anymore but I feel as if they still expect me to have kids one day. I'll never forget my mother in law's face when i told her. I swear she was about to cry right then and there. But guess what? She's lived her life. She's raised her children. It's time to live our lives they way WE choose to.

No one is going to suffer your burdens for you. Dare I say it, not even your husband.

A child deserves to have parents who really love and care for it, and who wanted to bring it into the world. If you don't want kids then you need to stay strong and true to your convictions. Tell your husband's family to butt out of this very personal matter, which is between you and your husband!

No child deserves half-hearted parents.

Geez! First of all, your husband married you knowing that you didn't want kids. You can only hope he didn't do so assuming you'd change your mind. As for family comments, I would say, " This is not a matter that's up for discussion." or "This isn't something I'm comfortable discussing with others, can we maybe discuss someone else reproductive decisions whose more comfortable with this..haha" A repeated topic on here seems to be the unwelcome comments us child free by choicers get..lol! You know it really gets to me! I know people who've had 4 kids..I would never make comments about their reproductive choices even though they don't mirror my own.

Wow, i just read back and noticed that you're only 20! I can't believe they're bugging you already!

Ya, thats the thing that bugged me the most. I actually stopped being so embarrassed about the situation; and I confronted them about it. I simply told them that right now I simply can't. I haven't reached my goals and thats something I want to focus on rather then children. I want to enjoy my husband and get to know him better before we make any decisions about expanding our family. -and that did it! By opening up to my husband about how guilty I felt about my abortion, I finally realized that having children wasn't the problem..it was the idea of it because of my bad experience. It had frightened me/hunted me for so long, and I finally let go once I confessed why I was so unhappy about "baby talk". Regardless of what anyone's opinion might be, I know in my heart that I made the right decision for me. I can't punish myself forever for having made that decision. If we decide on being parents we want to be the best parents in the world if possible. It has to be a planned pregnancy and not an "oops" baby..I don't think anyone deserves that. I think everyone deserves to wanted and to be loved. "No child deserves half-hearted parents."

My husband and i recently moved... and a few weeks after the decision and plans had been made we called his family round (as they live close by and mine were told already on the phone) and all we said we we have news... immediate response was 'when is it due' like we have nothing else going on in our lives