BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Question--happily married/unwanted pregnancy

Any happily married couples out there becoming unexpectedly pregnant but not wanting to continue with pregnancy? What did you do? Did you regret having it / not having it? Please help by sharing experiences. We are struggling and it and it sure is hard to find anyone that is truly honest about these feelings concerning having a child that was not planned. Thank you.

I don't quite qualify but close. I was dating my husband at the time. I am trying to remember what stage in our relationship the 'accident' occurred....we may have been engaged but hadn't yet set a date. Anyhow, as we weren't married and still relatively young (mid 20's) and I wasn't really into having kids in first place, I made the decision to have an abortion. I didn't tell anyone about my decision except for hubby and doctors, of course. Hubby told his best friend who was really pro-kids. His best friend told him he should convince me to keep it. Hubby did bring up the topic, I laid out all the pros and cons. I did have an abortion. No regrets. Sure I think about it sometimes but not with much more thought of any other path not taken. We went on to get married, been going strong for over 15yrs. Soon after getting married, we did discuss having kids but neither of us was very keen. H had a vasectomy at 35. Now, if I had become pregnant after we married....oh boy....I don't envy your situation. In some ways the decision is easier, in some ways much more difficult. Easier to decide to keep baby as you are in a stable relationship that hopefully will survive the new challenges but you both have to be in agreement on this. More difficult to go with the other option, abortion being really the only one when married. If one is single, people understand giving the child away for adoption....not so much when you are married. The situation would have to be really bad (both not working, no place to live, etc) before others would agree that a married couple shouldn't keep a child. So my advice is to sit down and do some serious soul searching between the two of you. Don't ask others because it is a rare person who can give solid, relatively unbiased, non-judgmental advice on this topic. List out the pros and cons, talk about how you see both 'paths' and if continuing the pregnancy is really the right choice. It's a huge decision and you don't have that much time. Probably one of the biggest decision you will ever have to make. It's one that can't be undone without emotional fallout. You will have to be ready for that as it will be there with any of the choices. Good Luck.

I wasn't married when I got pregnant, but i was in a relationship with someone. My initial thought was to keep it. But since I was 18yrs old and not married I had an abortion. (I'd have to admit, my mother helped me with the pros and cons) Some people say they get traumatize after having an abortion. Some people don't. Its what you make of it; that's what i think. The decision wouldn't be so simple if I got pregnant with my now husband just for the simple fact that I love him so much. Even though I do not want children any time soon, its a tough one. 1)I would check my financial situation and get really realistic about the situation QUICK. 2) I wouldn't tell anyone-family or friends. 3)Evaluate your& H's life style -I wouldn't bring a child to the world knowing that i have no money to support him/her and give him/her a pleasant life. -I wouldn't tell anyone because its non of they're biznus -I'd definitely would take a look at my life style; see if i like the way things are or if I'm ready for a HUGE change. This is something I've never shared with anyone...(Hopefully it helps) The day that I decided to have an abortion I sat in my couch feeling nauseous as hell. I had spend the whole day alone; and thinking about the pickle i got myself into. In the afternoon my xbf came to see how i was doing, I took one look at his eyes and realized I couldn't go through with it. My instinct, my gut..told me..[censored] NO! I even felt repulsed to see him. He instantly grossed me out; everything about him. I realized he wasn't the man for me. (In your case your married..so its different) And he wasnt the man for me, after the abortion he didn't even care to see how i was doing but he still wanted to be with me. I of course dumped him and within a few months I met my now gorgeous husband that i'm so happy to be with. I have NO REGRETS..my life would of been a living hell. I felt that I didn't love him enough to stay with him and it no longer was about the money situation or that I was YOUNG. It was about how I'd bring a child to a broken home. It took one deep look to know that, that wasn't the right path for me. Follow your gut..listen to your body, specially women more the men have a instinct about things... If you have told anyone besides your husband (family or friend) FORGET WHAT THE SaY IMMEDIATELY. The decision is up to both of you, and more so YOU! People some times talk to talk..its rare to find someone to be honest and to not incline you to do something they want you to do... Only you know if your both ready to be parents. Sincerely Betz (CIAO!)

Thank you. I sent you a PM.

It happened to me and my husband... twice. It's a very long story about our difficulties with birth control and and inability to find someone who would tie my tubes (being under 25 and having no children). Truthfully, as soon as those + signs popped up I felt like my life was over. All I wanted was for it to go away. The only thing that scared me was that my husband would hate me. He knew when we got married that I didn't want kids, and he said he was okay with it either way (knowing children effect a woman's life more than a man's). Saying you are okay with not having kids and knowing the possibility is there because your wife is currently pregnant is a totally different thing. The first time he was totally on board with me having an abortion because we had only been married a year and didn't have much money. We lived in the worlds smallest 1 bedroom apartment, and both our incomes were very necessary. So, I had the abortion, and had never been so relieved in my life. No longer having faith in my birth control, I set out on a mission to try to get someone to tie my tubes. It was an impossible feat. The second time I got pregnant I was a couple years later. My husband and I were much better off financially, had a big house, and I had just begun a graduate degree. It was just so unbelievable. When I went to my husband crying with the test in hand he hugged me and said, "It's okay, we'll figure it out." I was panicked thinking, "figure it out? What's to figure out? All I want is a number to the nearest women's clinic!" I literally thought for 2 days I was going to be forced to have a baby or lose my husband. He kept talking about how I could still go to school full time, we could afford childcare during the day and his parents would love to help out. All I could do was cry. The thought of having to spend anytime dealing with a child sent me into a panic. My life would drastically change, and I liked my life! Well, it took a few days, but my husband finally saw that I was not okay with any of it. He said, "If you can't find any happiness in this, don't do it for me. I don't need it. I only need you, always." I was so relieved. I made an appointment ASAP to terminate, and it all went well. After that, my husband went with me to a gyno and we both yelled at him to get my tubes tied. It finally worked, and I got that done 2 years ago. My husband and I have been married 6 years, and we are very happy. For me especially, I had no problem having an abortion. I'm a scientist, raised Atheist and pro-choice. I believe an embryo has the potential to be life, but not that it is life (my husband thinks the same way). My only concern was for my marriage, which is still going strong. So, that's how we dealt with our unwanted pregnancies. I have no regrets and I'm not sorry. I made the best decision for me. You will have to decide what is best for you. If you would like to read stories of other women's positive experiences with abortion, you can go to www.imnotsorry.net. There are plenty of married women who have submitted their stories. Good luck! -Dolyn

Thank you for the post. I sent you a PM. Please check it. We appreciate you taking the time to share and hope to speak to you again.

Well....do you want to become ugly 4 life? Do you want to quit your job caring for the baby? Do you want to spend half your paycheck on diapers, crib, stroller, etc.(even @ the cheapest and most reliable store, HeyYouBaby.com ! Do you want to deal with not having free time, non-stop cries.... well,our whole life will change caring for an unappreciative brat....and for us christians, it is considered a sin, so why ruin your life??

Do you have children?? If so, were they unplanned? Did these things happen to you, or do you just know the facts and plan to have none? Thank you

If you are struggling with guilt (which I'm NOT suggesting you should be, and I hope you're not offended that I'm even suggesting it), rest assured that plenty of happily married people have abortions. I have not, but I had a scare a couple of months ago, and had already chosen the pill (instead of the procedure) as my method should I need it. I got my period a couple of days later, but I would have terminated with no guilt had I needed to. It's been a while since you posted . . . if you're still around, would you care to give an update?