BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting adult step daughter causing trouble

Hi there, I have been with my husband for 5 years prior to getting married last year. When I met him his daughter then aged 19 was living with him and he was still going through the split with the ex wife. I moved in a year before we married so sold my house, planned a wedding and most stressful lost my 18 year old son. To put it nicely I've had a few years of the worst downs and the best up's and have to say I am only just starting to feel my old self again. From the start I have always know my stepdaughter has disliked me and her mother hates me as she thinks I had something to do with his split which is so untrue. His daughter moved out after a year to move in with a bloke 20 years older than her with 4 kids already. they had no money so mummy & daddy paid bond rent set them up with furniture etc etc even though thry didn't like the guy and thought he was using her. My comment which didnt go down well at the time was 'if you think this is a big mistake she's making why are you helping her. Make it harder for them and she may see the light before its too late' This didnt go down well with the ex as she said I am not supporting her as I should!! Anyway to state that it's been 1 payment after anoyther and the girls way of getting everything shes wanted is 'mum will pay half if you will and visa versa' and it always worked. I have had many heated discussiions with my hubby trying to get him to see how shes working them both and is a spoilt little girl still. Her relationship has now finaly ended after lots of trial seperations over the years and she walked away from everything her parents and I gave her leaving the house and everything in it to the boyfriend. It just seams so ungrateful to me but when you havn't worked for it and been given it on a plate it means nothing. She then came to visit as she usually does only when she wants something to state not ask that she is now moving back into this house until she can afford something else.Which by the way means forever as she needs a new car, daddy bought the 1st one, not had a holiday for a while so she will never have the money to get a place of her own. Because I and my husband by the way agreed it would be a disaster as my daughter is with us too and not a lot of room both physically and certainly not in a personal way. She takes over the TV, computer when she just visits..it would be nothing but one argument after another and so far throughout this relationship with her I have never stood up to her yet but I knew if we lived together it would only be a matter of time and poor hubby right in the middle which is what we were trying to avoid. She has moved in with her mother and stepdad who have a 4 bedroom house and just the 2 of them there. Since he has said no to her for the 1st time in her life she hasn't spoken toi him. She sent a letter when she has called me every name under the sun I have turned him against his family, I am only with him for his money, I forced him to marry me etcc etc but the nastiest is I use the death of my son to get what I want and I have the life of riley. All untrue bythe way, I work full time, all the money from my house went to pay off part of this mortgage I pay towards bills, pay for my own daughters driving lessons so he doesn't etc. She has now unfortunately made it difficult as we somehow have to move on from here and I do not want my hubby put in the middle. They are now meeting without me there as she doesnt want to see me to discuss this and my hubby has to defend me but try to make her realise she is aiming all her anger at me because she just doesn't think it could possibly be his decission too. The ex by the way is just loving this and stirring it all up too and she is the prime influence on her daughter at this time. They both plotted against him in trying to get him to change his mind and the phone call he had contained tears threats, You dont want me you have another daughter now, she tried all the tricks in the book then got the ex to call him who tried to tell him what to do too. I have put up with this attitude from the both all this time without ever being nasty back as I though it would go away and get better. I now dont know what to do as I feel she should app;ogise to me for that letter even though wrote in anger or say she's not welcomn here anymore. Am I then playing right into the trap the two have set??? Advice desperatly needed from anyone else that has gone through this please xxx

You need to rise above this. You can ACT like you like her and respect her, and you can offer advice in a quiet, non threatening way (to your husband), but you are the step mom and you will probably always be blamed for things you didn't do. I have found that is just the way it is, because it's easier for a child to blame you than their own bio parent. I have learned to back off when they get to this age, and let the bio parent pretty much deal with it on his own and in his own way. I offer support when asked, otherwise, I shut up. I think you should forget about the apology, I don't think it will ever happen. She sounds extremely spoiled and ungrateful, and if raised in that way, will be unable to fanthom the need for an apology. Things will hopefully get better over time, but this girl needs to grow up, get a job, live frugally and learn life's lessons. Her parents are doing her a disservice by giving her "things" which she is ungrateful for and doesn't take care of, instead of teaching her how to be a responsible person in life. She is in desperate need of some TOUGH LOVE.

I agree with 3step6total. I almost put my marriage in jeopardy thinking I could allow myself to react to my adult step-daughter. Keep it zipped, back off, be polite and do not expect any apologies. She'll always be his daughter and if you try to get involved you'll only hurt yourself. Yes, her parents are doing her a disservice, but they're not going to change, so you must. If you don't give much of yourself to her, you won't be as hurt by the stuff she does.

Whoa! I found my stepdaughter telling lies to bring my husband against me, and the mother involved and host of other horrible issues, that I won't go into, however, my very wise therapist, who was once a probation officer gave me some sound advice. Don't engage her, don't tell her what to do...when she is acting out, tell the father of her behavior and let him handle it, don't do her dishes, clothes, or pickup after her....pile it on for her father (I used to put the dishes and buckets of clothes and junk in the laundry room and shut the door, and then we he got home, I would politely say, can you please do her dishes, clothes, and throw away her trash...that one worked! He got tired of cleaning up after her and started yelling at her, instead of arguments with me. Because he refused to be her maid, yeah! On to the next great therapist point, I don't acknowledge that she is in the house, I don't interact with her, I stay in my office, in my art studio, and other area's of the house, hard to do, but it worked, less stress for me, and I don't do family outings, I sat down very calmly and explained this to my husband that this is what I am going to do and why, he didn't like it, but he did like the fact that we weren't arguing as much. Not to say my life isn't full of turmoil over the spoiled rotten princess I live with, but to say it is do-able, because she doesn't live with us full time and I don't engage her. Hope a little of this helps. My stepdaughter is thinking of living with us full-time and I know it would end my marriage, we lease, so I am looking for a smaller home to pair down expenses....so my husband thinks, but I really want no room for her, because I want to stay married. No room, no abusive step child. As a wise older woman told me....remember you are older, wiser, and smart than them, so you manipulate in a way that is non-destructive to get peace in your home and your needs met......just a thought!

I loved your response. You speak the truth. We stepmothers must always take into account the long-term results of our actions...actually, everyone in the family does and we'd wish that would include the stepdaugther. Our emotions can run high, and why not? It's a tough position. The only thing I'd add is...no matter what it looks like...she will grow up.
Hang in.

Bridgette, thank you for your advice. You are a very wise woman. I most certainly will be putting your advice into action in my household. Again thank you

Hi everyone. The last time anyone wrote here it was JUNE but I wonder if anyone will come BACK?? How can we have an active dialogue. I NEED HELP AND SUPPORT! My story: My step dau is now 22 and lives with her mother although she completed a UNIVERSITY degree and is now in part time graduate school. She also works in her fathers medical office and earns GOOD money while she STILL RECEIVES CHILD SUPPORT of $1500 per month - total $2400 per month with her work wages and NO BILLS! I did live with my step dau for 2 years when she was 15 and 16 - she moved out after we had a little baby boy (now 6 years old) and she did not like "the rules". Her father gives her everything and when she lived with us he did her laundry, drove her everywhere and would take her on fancy SPA vacations in addition to $400 hair cuts at Spas at age 16!!! It was insane. She told us she was going to "Med School" but had a B average from a [censored] University. Both parents are in DENIAL about her acedemics, her spoiled behavior and her mental health issues - eg: extreme entitlement and rage problems. She is with a 25 year old man who does NOT work and also lives with her mother. He lives off of her and her parents will NOT say anything. I actually feel sad for her because she is being neglected by both parents. They never say anything to her and rarely set boundaries or expectations. Last night my husband told me that he had dinner with his dau and she was FURIOUS with her MOTHER as mommy asked her to start paying her rent from her $2500 per month! I was impressed but no one is enforcing it and she wants daddy to increase child support so that she can move out. He may do this. I was furious and did not hold my tonge. He told me that i am a "Turn off" when I try to force him to do things with his daughter and it is none of my business. IT IS MY BUSINESS as it is OUR MONEY!! we have a 6 year old and tons of other debt. He cannot give her MORE money!!! We never talk about her and we disagree on this subject entirely. My husband refuses to get counseling about this issue and I worry that it will end our marriage. I am not attracted to him anyone for the most part but I feel 'attached" to him and we have such a young son. I am stunned at what a BAD parent he is. I told him that she needs HELP and that he is not doing anything. He told me that it is "too late' But it is NOT TOO LATE as she is only 22 and he controls the money. Basically, he just has to say GET A JOB and I will cut down the money. He has to teach her about REALITY! It is such a turn off when people do NOT FACE REALITY and harm CHILDREN BY DENIAL~ I any case, I am furious. I really do believe that my husband and I will not make it because of these issues. I would love to get counseling but he refuses. Most of the women here are saying BUTT OUT completely. is this really the only way? is this fair to a young person in need of guidance? Please help. thanks Sarah

I have problems with my 21 yr stepdaughter also. I am learning that butting out is the only way if you want your marriage to work. It is not for you to decide if the girl needs guidience. I know you want to help but your help will not be excepted and you will loose in the end. My step daughter twists everything I say and I am the bad guy no matter what. I have tried for 10 years to get along with her but it doesn't work. Now I am to the point where I just want her to be polite and don't care if she likes me or not. I feel so sorry for my husband who is stuck in the middle. I want a happy marriage and know that I need to just keep my mouth shut when it comes to his daughter.