BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Someone explain the "selfish" accusation please

Aren't people having kids for their own self-fulfillment? They certainly aren't doing anyone else a favor. Or are they doing it for others? Am I selfish because I chose a unique route in life and didn't fulfill others expectations? I really didn't mean to make them feel uncomfortable by not following the norm! If having kids was supposed to be an unselfish act, should't more people consider adopting those kids that are already here and don't have parents? Am I just arrogant or are parents that call me selfish often just envious that I'm not suffering the same consequences? These are just my thoughts on this issue. Anyone else? MeganMNK

I agree with you although I don't think the people you are referring to feel the same. They're probably pompous enough to think they're doing the world a favor by having children.

What people fail to understand is, everyone has to live their own life. There are a lot of things I could or probably should say to people but I hold my tongue. Why? Because it simply isn't my business.

I think many times people are jealous. They become jealous of the things you have that they cannot because of their children. In that case, you should be very proud of yourself. You obviously have the life that many desire. You are very much blessed and that's never a bad thing

I've wondered about this one for some time, and I still don't get it. It's like Will says in About a Boy, "I'm not being selfish, because there's just me. There's no one else."

I personally think people don't think twice about the idea that some people may not prefer to have kids, so they just blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. Most of the people who have said they think I'm selfish don't really consider having children a choice, it's just "what you do." I really don't think they're jealous, because they haven't thought for a second what their life would be like without kids!

I think that parents do change their priorities and put their children first, often I have heard friends say that they would like to take a certain class or go on a trip, but they can't right now because they don't have the time or money. They don't say it bitterly, and as far as I can tell they do enjoy spending time with their children, so the trade off is worth it (and maybe they can take the class or the trip in the future). So in a way, and in their minds, they are being less selfish than they used to because they are giving up certain things in order for the child's benefit.

That being said, I don't think parents are any more or less selfless than anyone else. After all, the beings they are being less selfish for are THEIR OWN OFFSPRING. As mentioned above, these parents are not for the most part falling all over themselves to adopt, foster parent, or do anything for anyone not related to them i.e. an extension of themselves. I applaud parents who put their childs' needs first and grow from that experience, but in reality they are not saving the world. We have enough humans, I'm not counting on Social Security that their child *might* pay into. (just summarizing some of the reasons parents have written in to other forums regarding why we should be grateful to them- don't tell me you really chose to have children in order to support Social Security.)

So I just feel like most parents do have this experience of being less self centered in the arena of childrearing, and it's very intense, and some erroneously think that childfree people are unable to put others first and are therefore selfish. It's faulty logic. There are lots of different ways of being selfish and selfless.

hi megan! that word does get thrown at us a lot, doesn't it? I can tell you, I am soooo sick of hearing it. who said it to you? what did you say in response? I think people who say that are incredibly small minded. period. they want you to conform and be just like them. while I agree with other posts here, it never fails to surprise me when someone has the gall to say you are selfish cause you are not having kids. I read an article on MSNBC that said some women keep getting pregnant cause that is the only time they feel special and important...well, creating life for your own self esteem sounds very selfish to me!

As a parent I've never understood the "selfish" comment either.

I certainly never thought of having m children as a "duty" or a favor to be done to the world. (Although I do know of many religions that teach that it is a family's duty to have children. I've often wondered what those churches say about poor women who can't have children, hmmmm....)

But quite simply - I had children because I wanted to have a person that was the resuly of mine and my husband's love. That is the best way I know how to put it. So I guess that actually makes me the selfish one. I honestly wasn't thinking of anyone outside of my family (I did think of how happy my great-grandmother would be to have a great-great grandchild. She managed to live long enough to see 4 before she passed away.)

The next time someone accuses you of being selfish - ask them their reason for having kids. And if they give you some high and lofty answer say, "Really? You thought of all that while you were making out? Wow!"

Bet they'll leave you alone.

I think much of being called selfish is just old world thinking. My parents were taught that not having kids is selfish and I'm sure there parents were taught the same. There are selfish people who have kids and who those who don't have any kids. I have seen both. But I have to tell you that I see a lot of selfish people period! Unfortunately, in my circle of friends, the ones that have never been married or have stayed single for most of their life with no children tend to be more selfish...I hate to say it. Maybe it's because they never have (or could) been giving to anyone but themselves? Plus, I feel the longer one is single and alone, the more chance they become set in their ways which can be called selfish by many.

Josh, while I agree that people who throw in the "selfish" comment in the direction of CF people may be driven by old school or bibical rules...such as having sex for purposes other than reproduction is a sin. and believe me I know there are many selfish people out there, I dont think the balance tips towards CF or single people. perhaps your friends are, but I have not seen that evidence from my point of view. I feel like society seem to single out women who dont have that maternal instinct. they're like "oh, what's wrong with her?" and why do people think asking about it acceptable conversation? perhaps cause you are a guy this doesn't happen to you. But I have been harassed by in-laws,co-workers and complete freaking strangers who feel my uterus is their business. why is a woman considered a cold, selfish, heartless witch if she isn't into babies? I am the only child to 2 only child parents - maybe my family just isn't in to kids. there is nothing wrong with that. why do people feel the need to feel the need to tell me they dont agree with my lifestyle choice? I dont approach obese people and talk to them about rethinking their big macs cause I think it is a bad life choice. that would be rude! what do people say to you about being childfree? P.S I am not trying to single you out or pick on you. I just think guys dont get treated the same on this issue. while my husband also is opposed to having children, he has never received the harassment I have. his family targets me, not him...cause it must be the woman that is the problem! (well, he stopped all contact with his 4 sisters, so I dont get harassing calls, emails or baby books and therapist business cards in the mail anymore!

Marie: Yes, I have been asked many times by people that I do not know well if I have any children or when I will have children. When I say "no", I sometimes get the weird stare as if I am an alien of some sort. I will also get that stare when I say that I am not married. To me, I feel that it is there way of seeing if I fit into the norm... or if I am successful. I don't know how being married and having children makes one more successful but O.K. When I am asked this, I give them short answers and just smile. If I feel that I want to start trouble, I start asking my own personal questions to see how they like being probed. It is not acceptable for strangers or even family to pry into these matters. It's rude and you are right about that. I can't comment on whether men or women get it more because I can only comment on my experience but I would probably agree with you that women get the brunt of it.

I am always getting told that I will always only think of my self. Since I choose not to have kids. Like I'm never gonna think of anyone else but my self. I think its exact oppisite.