BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Cant see eye to eye and its driving me crazy.

I have posted before about my marriage going through hell and back. Well, I have another situation which Im not sure how to handle. While me and my husband were having many problems in our marriage his family took it upon themselves to add to it. They would stick thier noses in whenever they could. They treated me like [censored] because I left, they treated my kids like [censored] and tried to make a fool out of me in front of friends and co workers because my sister inlaws all work at the same job as I do. Anyhow, when me and my husband decided to save our marriage we decided that we were going to stay away from friends and family as much as possible so that they couldnt influence us. Well, my husband isnt abiding by that. He wants to attend birthday parties with his family without me. He says he's doing it for the kids so they can go but I think by him going without me is showing me that he is not respecting me. Im not invited to these parties and if I showed up no one would tell me to leave but the cold stares I would get would make anyone not want to be there. So I dont want to go. Im hurt that he is going back on his word again and not sticking with me and staying away for now or atleast until our marriage gets stronger. Am I wrong for saying not to go to his nieces and nephews parties? Am I wrong that I dont want my kids going either? Please help, I want to do the best thing in this situation.

In laws troubles are always a sticky problem. Your husband is caught between loyalty to his family and loyalty to you.

How does he behave toward you when he comes back from spending time with his family? If he is negative or critical, then his family is probably having a detrimental effect on your marriage and he should cut off contact with them (at least for now)

If not, then I really see no problem in letting him go. Unfortunately, we cannot choose our relatives (and that includes our in-laws)

Hello Everyone, I would like to start off and say thank you to everyone who gave me great advice. Unfortunatly me and my husband separated again. I did everything I could to do my part and save my marriage. He wasnt willing to and reverted back to his old ways. I kept a positive outlook and prayed it was a small set back. I set us up for counseling and the day before we were suppose to go he harrassed me at work calling me names, accusing me of cheating and went out and got drunk. By the time I made it home from work he was on the couch and taking out his anger on the kids. I still kept my calm and asked him to just leave us alone and dont try and argue with me. He kept taunting me, getting in my face and literally sitting on me so I would listen. He kept saying sorry for the harrassment during the day and said he is dealing with the past. I had told him thats what counseling is for and he said he wasnt going. I left the room and did my best to take care of the kids and I was going to go by myself. Once it was time for bed he started to harrass me again. I asked him over and over to just stop and I didnt want to argue, he became more angry. When I said something he didnt like he attacked me, he came charging at me, grabbed me by the neck, shoved his fist in my face and held me down while he yelled and my children watched. I have been through this countless times over the last 13 years but I finally had the courage to call 911. He was arrested that night and I moved me and the kids out before he returned. Of course now he is sorry and he said he is reading the bible and will never touch me again. He is asking me to move back. It is hard to make the decision and tell him no and Im tired and I dont want to live my life this way anymore. He tries to guilt me by using the kids, telling me they need us together and Im ruining thier lives by leaving again. I have to say I do feel horrible but emotionally Im tired. Everyone says save my marriage but I'm drained. I dont have the strength anymore. I have mixed feelings because I feel like a failure but I KNOW I dont want to try anymore with this man. Am I giving up to soon?

NO you are NOT 'giving up too soon'! You should have left the bas.... the first time he abused you. For gawd sakes woman, think of the damage this is doing to your kids. Seeing this abuse will affect them for the rest of there lives.

He's reading the bible - like that's going to change him.. what a looser ! The only question I have is " WHY didn't you KICK HIM OUT" ????? Now you have to put the kids in a different invironment. Talk to a lawyer real soon.

Wishing you the very best,
cp

Oh no honey; he crossed the line. You only have one life to live-I think the "lets stay together for the kids" its BS..My father was unfaithful to my mother; he might not have attacked her..(That I know of) but lied for 10 years..My mother is a wonderful woman..and if i would of been older back then..I would of told her LEAVE HIS [censored]. And when i was about 9 years old...I did, I told her I was tired of his bs and that it was time we did our own life. You only have one life to live...Be happy..I think its time for you to be done with CRAZY. If you really see a change in him after a long period; consider a friendship. But I can sense your tired...so do what your heart tell you and listen to your instincts.

Thank you CP and Betzabe. I do now realize I should have stopped this a long time ago. I also know why I put up with so much and tried so hard to keep my family together. I didnt have a father growing up and I didnt want my kids to go through that. What's worse is that my husband uses that to guilt me into staying. He knows I will endure anything for my kids to have a mom and dad in the house. I see now its only worse to let them see all the anger and abuse. This is the hardest choice I have to make and its killing me inside because I dont want my kids to blame me.My two older boys are 10 and 12 and they sometimes disrespect me and act like thier dad but I correct them and explain what respect is. My daughter is 3 and I feel like she didnt get a chance to be in this family but then it hits me and I think now she is the lucky one because she wont have to experience the abuse like my boys did all thier lives. On top of all that when I tell my husband I want a divorce he says he will kill himself so I feel guilty. I just need to get a backbone and take control of my life. I know it wont be easy but I am ready. Thanks again everyone, you are angels.

This is a site full of open heart/open mind angels; it sure feels that way. Its great to see people get together and help each other out. I think we all want perfection or at least something close to it. The truth is, there aren't any perfect families out there. Example: I wanted a perfect family and for a while I thought it wouldn't be so perfect because my H had a baby with another woman when he was young. So my "picture perfect" would have to include a child that wasn't mine. But after I pushed the negative thoughts out- I saw things in a new light. Now I think its good that he already had a child because in case i dont want one. He already had one. And if I do, my children will have an older sister... "You just cant live in that negative way...make way for the positive day." What my mom had to do was really really [censored] hard. She had a language barrier for sure, since we're originally from Peru. She couldn't speak/read/write English. She had no documentation and not many jobs were available. She had never worked before because she was a stay at home mom. My dad was filthy rich in Peru and he told her to stay home so she had no career. He left us in California completely out of our element with very little money..just ditched us and then, he wanted her to give him another chance. CRAZY HUH? As a child I had , had enough! I had my mom trying her best to teach me another language and mean while she was suffering inside. He always said to my mom that he would change, that he would improve. She would let him in the house because of me..(only child) That was her only man she had ever been with and he treated like [censored]..and the though of it does bring painful memories.. but they're just memories that through the years have been erased by happy ones. I think my mom did the best thing she could do. We stayed in California. I know two languages fluently now, I'm learning French, I'm happily married, I have two jobs & I'm soon to become a pharmacy tech. She has a steady job, she learned English, she met another man... What I'm trying to say is...You move on from bad things, you get stronger. You learn to value things, to appreciate, you get a lot more tougher and thats never a bad thing in this world. You cant expect your "children" to understand and they might very much dislike your choice. Because they are "children" you cant expect them to understand. But in the long run they'll thank you for being strong for them and standing up for yourself. You have two boys and they should learn from you that no one is gonna step all over you. They should grow to be perfect gentlemen in society. Don't let them learn bad behavior. I saw my mom cry for years...But she brought me happiness..I didn't grow up seeing my two faced dad, I didn't see arguments, hitting,yelling and most importantly her self esteem was high..I saw my mom become a worrier. To be honest, shes the love of my life...I'm forever in debt with her for being strong/showing me about DIGNITY about RESPECT about REAL LOVE. Through my teens I thought of men as toys, I never took anyone seriously..But as I grew..I realized I was protecting myself from what my father did to my mom. I can openly say that she saved me, saved us from unhappiness. As far as divorce goes and him giving you guilt trips. WELL DUH, BABE! No one else is gonna put up with that and I'm sure he knows his running out of time. And to be straight up with you...guilt trips come from a guilty mind. If he cant stop being immature I'd invite a 3rd party to resolve the separation agreements or to begin the divorce. :] Chin up

Betzabe, I sit here and cry as I read your response and Im so grateful for your words. Im learning so much about myself and how strong I can be. I dont know you Betzbe but I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I see you are the child who witnesed your dad abuse your mother and by her being strong and making hard but good choices, you turned out to be a wonderful person. I know what needs to be done in my situation. It is so helpful to get advice from someone else other then my family and friends because I know your being honest from the outside looking in. I believe God brings people in your life for a reason and there is no coincidence you have been encouraging me throught your own experiences. I Thank you. And my chin is up :)