BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage How can you forgive husbands that lie?

I have had an on again/off again problem with my husband lieing to me. I end up hurt and angry. He apologizes and promises never to do it again, but he does end up doing it agaim, but sometimes not for a year (that I know of). Then he gets caught and there is another big blow up. I tell him the marriage has GOT to be based on trust in order to have a good marriage. It takes me a long time to build up any trust again with him. It is ruining our marriage relationship. I shouldn't have to wonder if he's telling the truth. I pray for him, but sometimes, I wonder if this is all worth it. It hurts me terribly when he does this. I try and forgive him and move on, but there is always that idea in the back of my mind that maybe he's not being truthful. We've been married over 10 years. I am really at a loss at this point.....I don't know what to do.

how to forgive? that is a hard one. to me, trust is everything and if you can't trust someone...where is the foundation of the relationship. I could never share a home with someone I didn't trust. and I believe there are somethings that are simply unforgivable in my book. things that "sorry" simply cant fix. if he promises not to do it again, yet does time and time again. that is probably something that will never change. he will continue to do that over and over again. can you accept deceit as part of your relationship with him? do you know why he is doing whatever he is doing that he has to lie about? do you think he will ever stop? I hate to see any marriage fail. have you tried going to counciling together? you didn't say what he lies about, but if it is something that could cause you physical harm, put you in trouble with the law or cause your financial future to go down the drain - get away from him!

10 years is a long time & cycles can develop. My gather is you are only "seeing" the lies you actually catch. He may do it more often. The only way I can see to stop them is to break the catch & forgive thing. Worse case scenerio, all he has to do is say, "sorry" (for him) and does it again. As Marie mentions, what the lies are about - the extent of them has a lot to say about next course actions.

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Elleise
Clairvoyance Editor

The lies aren't life threatening or anything. And yes, I am sure that I'm only seeing the ones that I'm catching. I am against chewing tobacco and told him so in the beginning when we were dating. I said I'd never date anyone that chewed or smoked. Well, although he said he didn't--he was. I eventually found out back then and confronted him and he quit. Now currently, he's been found in a lie about chewing tobacco again (I found a receipt for it). He first said he bought it for his son who is 18 at a certain time and day. When I pointed out that the time on the receipt was not the time he said he bought it for him, then he changed his story. He said he bought it for him (as a loan) and his son was going to pay him back, but he had bought it at an earlier hr (to jive with the receipt time) than he had previously said. Interestly enough, he had never told me he had even seen that son (who doesn't live with us anymore) on that day when I talked to him on the phone. So, things don't really add up real well. Now I have suspicions that it is himself chewing again. Not to mention how angry I was that he is enabling his son to chew when he himself discounts it as an "ugly, disgusting habit" (or so he has said numerous times). That's a whole separate issue! I thought we were on the same page as far as values and convictions go, but now I'm questioning that also. I hate to see marriages fail, too and I've already been through one divorce because the 1st one was an alcoholic. But to not be able to trust? That is really bad...........

It took me 3 years to figure this out, but there is no turning back. DIVORCE HIM. There are 500,000 nice men out there for every lie you have been told. If he lies to you now he will lie to you tommorrow and the next day. The sooner you accept it the sooner you can move on with YOUR life. Who is the victim? Who has been lied to? Who do you feel sorry for?
The sooner you get into your own corner the better. I fought it for a long time, hoping he would change or love me enough to tell the truth. I got burnt. Begin by planning YOUR future and if there are children, get some money put away and start finding out what assets are yours and what is his. Dont let this slap you in the face like it did me. Plan ahead, then when you are ready......tell him the truth.

Sometimes it is more about why they are lying. Perhaps this is something he doesn't really want to change, but he does love you and wants to make you happy. He feels that lying is easier than changing something that is more important to you than it is to him. It seems that you will need to choose your battles wisely. If the issue is the lying, then be sure you allow him space to be honest.

This suonds like an addiction, right now. But, lies can multiply if it becomes a way of life. You could approach it with the substance of addiction and work with him if he's willing.

I married twice before I finally learned lies and abuse, no matter how many times they say they'll change really have a hard time functioning in a solid, growing, comitted marriage. Finally, I got it right and the woman who said, there are 500,000 nice gentlemen out there really has a good point.

I'm not saying divorce him, but the idea of knowing there are people out there who would never dream of lying to you can set the foundation you need in convctions of not accepting being lied to - basically lowering your standard to where you are actually working to make the stories believable. What I've found to be 100% accurate in every situation is gut instinct. If you feel he's not being forthcoming, I can almost guarantee he isn't.

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Elleise
Clairvoyance Editor
Angel Therapy, Consultations & Workshops

It is important for us to know exactly what he lies about in order for us to give you our best opinions. If he lies about accomplishments he never actually did, he may need to develope more confidence in himself to realize he is more worthy than he thinks. If he lies about seeing other women, this is very damaging to your marriage and shows no respect to your or your relationship. If he lies about drinking or drugs, he may need serious help with addiction. It would be helpful to you to pinpoint exactly what he is lying about, why and where it may stem from.

Was he constantly ridiculed/abused as a child? This could account for lying about achievements he never made. etc, etc, etc.

Counseling would help a great deal to analyze why he is a habitual liar and maybe help him overcome this. You must love him a lot to have put up with this for so long. If you want to save your marriage and your sanity, get professional help. If his lying is putting you in any danger, seek safety elsewhere till you decide what to do.

I agree with Julie. Make it safe for him to be honest by not over reacting when he does something wrong. Don't just jump into a divorce. On the whole it sounds as if your husband is a loving and caring man.

I myself made this mistake for many years. Whenever my husband did anything that went against my values I would get very upset. So he began to hide things from me and I would catch him out and the arguments would escalate.

After a long time it dawned on me that I needed to be less reactive when he did something I didn't approve of. With time, he has become more honest and forthcoming.

I can't budge on the chew issue. It is not anything I want in my life, and I told him so before we were married. I would not have dated him if I had known it! We are also having a lieing issue with his daughter (my stepdaughter). They just don't get it that lieing damages relationships. I guess I need to try lieing back to them on purpose and see how they like it! I don't know how to get it through to them. I am still angry about it and it's hard to let go of.............