BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Help and Advice /spoiled stepdaughter

I met my s/o 4 years ago, we moved in together a year and 7 months ago. I have two children a boy 5 and a girl 10. He has two girls 11 and 9. And I just had a baby boy 6 months ago. So we are a big family. He has his children every weekend. I am having issues with his oldest dd. Before I came along she was spoiled and was given her way with everything. And she still is to some point ,with her dad. It has become an issue with us , it disrupts our family life very much at times. I have talked with him privately about it and he does agree with me that this has to stop. I know it's not her fault. It's his and his mothers fault for giving in to her every whim. But I'm starting to resent her. And i really don't want to and I can't control my feelings inside.

Sometimes I will say something to her. She will stand beside her dad and repeat herself over and over again until she gets what she wants. Last night I had to tell her to stop and her dad would be with her in a minute because we were having a conversation and she was and is always interrupting us to get her way. (I wasn't mean about it at all). Advice in dealing with this would be appreciated.

why don't you try: If she tries getting it that way, then she WON'T get what she wants, EVER. But if she asks nicely once, after waiting her turn, then she MAY get her way. You'll need to get your husband in on it and really pay attention.

Dear Twoplusone,
I hear this one. My stepdaughters were 3 and 6 when I married and my husband (who is a dear and gentle guy) felt so horrible about the divorce, he'd promised himself that they would never have to pay for their parents' mistakes...and, of course, went overboard to see that they were never unhappy. It was a mess.

Luckily, at about the same time I started working with Family Systems Theory, which enabled me to have some good days. One thing I know is you are very smart to start dealing with this now because the resentment can start to dominate relationships and cause on-going problems. It's natural for the daughter to try and get her way over you as a way to try to regulate her world. Once when my eldest stepdaughter was in college, the four of us went to the mall (always a danger zone) in the town where she was in school. Once we were there she took her father to a pet store and showed him the little expensive dog she really wanted. When he said "No, a dog makes no sense for a college freshman...vet bills, etc." she had a meltdown. The two girls and I then went for lunch and a chat when she was able to say she was sorry for what she'd done...and that she knew she had done similar things since she was young because it made her feel close to her dad to talk him into things.

That was pretty insightful. She told her father later what she'd realized and they committed to finding other ways for her to feel close to him.

Just a thought. It gets really tiring being the one that always has to be the grown up about things...but this is the nature of the package deal. If you can stay calm and work against having this conflict highlight each visit...the problem will get smaller and partly because you sound like a woman this girl can appreciate knowing.

Good luck and let me hear. You couldn't have done (or thought) anything worse than I did in those years.
mysteryshrink

My situtaion is more than similar. I am so happy to have found this site due to another failed fight this evening with my husband and his 10 yr. old daughter. I am so lost and emotionally frustrated. This weekend with the "family" was actually turning out to be a pretty good one since the last 8 weekends in a row have been abosolute hell with my stepdaughter. Well tonight she was starting her negative usual behavior (I am sure ya'll are more than familiar) and I calmly stopped her in her tracks and just basically said "Come on, really? We are going to go back to this behavior again?" and my lovely husband stepped in and proceeded to punish me for even saying anything and of course embarrassed me and gave his daughter the power yet again. My husband really is a wonderful man but tonight he really dissipointed me when he actually told me my "rights" as "punishing" (which to set the record straight I never do but I do take it to a point of her knowing that I expect her to respect me as she should any adult.) were being taken away this weekend. Yes I stooped down to his level of immaturity at that moment and blew up (not in front of his daughter but privately) because I am so very stressed. I feel that he doesn't have my back and I keep telling him that he is fracturing her and it is going to be 10 times worse when she is a teenager. I too am starting to resent her and sadly now my husband and I am hoping someone out there can help me and try to give me positive tips and what I should do personally to keep my sanity. Does this ever get easier or am I in a battle of misery for life??!! I am not trying to replace her but she sure is hell is trying her hardest to replace me.. PLEASE HELP! :eek:

TwoplusOne and AnnaBeth,

If it helps at all, it might not be as much you and your husband's "fault" as that 10 and 11 are generally pretty *horrible* ages with girls in particular. The "step" situation makes it even more volatile, certainly, but homes where the children are with both their biological parents aren't likely faring much better at these ages.

I know that parenting books are certainly not the answer to everything, but I do believe that your best chance is to fill your "toolbox" to assist your own instinct and personal style and what you know of the child...especially if trying to co-parent it helps to have a shared frame of reference.

Two books I would recommend to you both are
"How to Talk to Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Maizlisch, as well as the age appropriate book in the Gessell Child Development Series, which in your cases would be the 10-14 year old book. The Gesell books in particular tell you a lot about the developmental stages of the age group.. a sort of baseline of what is considered age-appropriate (not meaning it's acceptable necessarily, just expected). It can help allay a lot of anxiety and fear for parents.. then the How to Talk book helps with communication strategies for parents.

Either of these books can be found on Amazon. I honestly think they might help.

Hang in there...

My husband and I met 11 years ago on Yahoo Chat. We had both been abandoned by our spouses and found alot to talk about. In August of 1999, I moved to PA along with my 7 year old son so that my husband and I could blend our families. He had two daughters 11 and 4, and a son 7. His son had a very explosive uncontrollable temper. My husband does not believe in physical discipline. He just let the temper tantrum take its cours and be over and allowed him to abuse anyone along the way. His son still has the explosive temper. He does not flush the toilet after himself and leaves it for my son who shares the bathroom with him. He will not take the towels from over the shower when using the shower. He just lets them get all wet and throws them in the floor. Leaves his dirty underwear all over the house. He is an absolute slob! My husband will not discipline his kids,So I have to be the bad [censored]. When I say to his son that he must do these things, he starts yelling at me and calling me names. Recently, I had to tell him about this laziness and lack of common courtesy for his sisters and stepbrothers. He said "You are nothing but a [censored]. My dad told me he can't stand to be around you because you are nothing but a [censored]. Everyone thinks you are a [censored]". My husband sat there and listened to his 17 year old son talk to me like this, and said nothing. I asked his son to go stay with his mother until he could treat me with respect. The daughters now 21 and 14 said if he goes, we go... I believe that my husband is condoning the behavior because he won't stand up to the kids. When these same kids need something, they come to me. Not to dad or to their bio mother. They come to me. I have always tried to help them with whatever comes along. I have always been there for them. My kids have never treated my husband with less than utmost respect. I also believe that my husband is afraid for his kids to be mad at him, so he lets them abuse me to no end. Is there anyway to selvage the marriage? I love him with all my heart but I don't think I can take anymore of the abuse from his spoiled kids!

Minerva,

I feel this situation will never change and will more than likely just get worse for you. If your husband cannot give you the support and respect you deserve, it simply is not worth it to stay in a situation that demoralizes you. Even if the kid moved in with his mother, the attitudes of him and his siblings will be in your life because your husband will not step up to put a stop to it.

Think about when these step-kids have kids and then there will be more kids disrespecting you. It seems like this is 99% your husband's fault for allowing this disrepectful behaviour to continue and for allowing his kids to abuse you. And how is this affecting your own son - will he begin to treat you like your step son does because it is allowed to continue?

Anytime a step-child (or your own children) behave in this manner, serious counseling should be considered.

twoplusone,

I would simply tell the girl that when she learns some manners and learns to stop being the center of attention all the time, then maybe, maybe she will get what she wants - but, if it is something that costs money, she can do some chores around the house to earn it. And - everytime she interrupts conversations between you and your husband, the chances of getting anything will drastically drop!

Make a chart for her for each day of the week. Have her write down what she wants, what is her goal. Every time she does her chores every day, she gets a gold star. If she has a star for every day that she did chores then maybe she can get her wish. Take one star away for every time she has tried to pull her Dad's attention away from you by interrupting your conversation. Be very strict about this chart and let her know you mean business.

Thank you for the response that I already know is true. I love my husband so very much! I know that he is letting me down. He just doesn't get it. Saturday he and I rode all day on our Harley, had a great day! Stopped in town for a sandwich. The step daughters see our vehicle and come into the dining room. "oh, hi daddy, we went shopping, look at my homecoming dress which was a picture on her cell." He looks at it and she grabs it and shoves it in her pocket before I can see it. Then they make a big spectacle of hugging and kissing daddy and carrying on. "Bye Daddy" and they are gone. Here is the whole restaurant watching. Totally ignored me as if I weren't there. They come to the house to see daddy. They sit in the same room I'm in, turn their backs on me, pretend I don't even exist. These are the same two girls that 6 weeks ago was all in distress because she couldn't afford car insurance. Of course I came to the rescue (not daddy) and finagled our insurance around to include hers. The other came to me and said I have nothing here that fits me. Do you think you and me could go shopping for me some clothes (not daddy). I went out and spent a great deal of money getting her clothes. Well she is gone to momma's house now (with all the new clothes.) It hurts me that my husband allows them to come into our house and treat me this way. Why am I not allowed to be respected?

At the risk of sounding rude, I would answer that with "you are the one that allows it." By trying to do everything they ask of you, for whatever reason you have (acceptance? bonding?), you allow them to take advantage of you, to get what they want from you (which is only financial help) then turn their backs on you. They do not want your love, they want your money. You can never buy their love or respect, you have to earn it. If you refuse to help them financially and let them know that you are aware of the fact that they only come to you when they need money for things they may change their attitude and gain some respect for you. Let them know that you refuse to play their games any longer and if they cannot treat you like family and give you the respect you deserve, they will not get anything from you. It is very difficult to respect someone who can be manipulated into shelling out money then discarded as unworthy of love.