BellaOnline Forums Family Single Parents my loving wife is a heartless mother HELP

ok so finally I am here bcos I desperately need your advice about something I am badly confused , My gorgeous loving wife hates her own 4 yr old son from her previous marriage , which I think its understandble because the mental stress she had gone through with her son's father over past couple of yrs . She is definitely an amazing person , loving & caring wife & takes care of my parents more than I or my own sister could have done. So becos of that my parents too are very close to her. Now the issue is that after marriage she has moved in my house with her son & I am really surprised the way she treat her 4 yr old . She says she resent her son bcoz she never wanted him , rather it was only her ex husband's desire. her ex was not a bad person person but for some reasons they started having arguments , fights , until they decided to seprate . Her ex is currently out of states for his job but does keep in touch with her . I really wanted to citisize my wife for being so ruthless & hurtful to her son , but then I realized its something resulting from the hardships she had endured becoz of being a mother . I admit Its very easy for me or others to say she is cruel & heartless but after coming across this website & read about the feelings of mothers who had to go through so much pain & were forced to suck it up just becoz society wants women to be like that , I think there is huge number of mothers who are supposed to live up to expectations & be perfect . that they grow a extreame anger bottled up towards their children while enduring this .... Thats why I now have changed my strict views & rather than judging I truly have sympathy for my wife because she put up with somethinhg she never wanted . but still I am confused as the incident of last week made me more confused , coming back from work at night I found that her son was sick perhaps caught a kind of flu burning with fever 4-5 degrees (believe me its true ) my wife knowing it very well did not bother to disturb herself from her work on laptop , or atleast call me . it was a woman who helps my wife with household chores , called me & told me that this kid has high fever & I need to come home. That woman did tell my wife repeatedly abotu this & my wife herself saw that her son has vomitted ( i dont know how many times....) on his bed , but she did not respond . I dont know wheather its normal & I am just being too uptight & scrutinizing her needlessly or Its still unacceptable no matter what ? let me remind you that she is a perfect loving wife than I can ask for or who is also caring about my parents . Pls I also concerned becoz I know here in USA if somebody compalins to social services we might even get into trouble becoz of my wive's behaviour ? Should I discuss it with her again ? or with my parents about this ? Pls advice Concerned

You should definitely talk to your wife about this situation. If she is loving and caring, I am sure she will listen to what you have to say. Don't preach her or voice your opinion, just talk about how you feel and if there is something you can do to make it easy on her to give this child a normal childhood. If she dislikes her son, can she give his 100% custody to the father/grandparents or adoption agency? If you are watching silently and seeing the child being ignored and god forbid something goes wrong, you will never be able to forgive yourself for not speaking up. You have some responsibility as a human being towards this child. Speak up and help your wife and the child.

Pressured pregnancy is a devestation that really has some unimaginable side-effects. It can take people to a point where they really feel like they want to die or give their children up because they truly hadn't a desire to develop that particular nuturing aspect. This doesn't make them bad people - just the opposite. They knew their limitations, their interests and if left unpressured would have most likely gone steadily along that path.

OFten people cave in due to age, relationship hardships, peer preasure or doubt in their gut instinct. I would approach your wife again, but this time come with some options she might not otherwise consider.

She could turn custody over to the father, investigate adoption or ask a grandparent to intervene, maybe even hire a nanny if none of those options sound comfortable for her. What I don't want to happen is that she possibly drowns her son out so much that she can't hear him, feel his emotional needs or end up taking out her resentments on him inadvertantly. This is a very emotional difficulty.

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Elleise
Clairvoyance Editor

Thanx for both of u . yes I think if her ex husband knows about the current situation I am postive he will be more than willing to take 100% custody . However The problem is it can not happen before 6 months at least as he is in middle east . I am definitely going to talk to my wife about this . However I really wish She herself had taken this decison that rather than me telling her . Initially I really had a hard time beleiveing that She can actually hate her son to the extent that it did not bother her at all that he was down with 4-5 degrees fever lying alone in his room . btw there is a lady who used to work as a maid , but now taking up the role of a nanny . By thye way , this kid is really a nice & well-behaved guy. In fact nice to the extent that I dont find its normal I have never seen him screaming , angry , demanding or crying . Most of the times he keeps himself out from his mom's way let alone asking for anything or disobeying . I really can't figure out who's fault is this ? but I know this mess needs to be sorted out as soon as possible. Thanks

Cool Friend

You have my sympathy. I am sorry, but in my opinion this behavior is unacceptable This child needs to be removed from this home. There is no excuse.

You know the way this child is being treated is wrong.

I am shocked at some of the posts. Perhaps if this was a man not taking care of his child that was vomiting with a high fever, the opinions would be different. Funny how we as women always look for justifications to explain another women's bad behavior, but we never give the benefit of the doubt to a man.

Women can be emotional and physical abusers also.

I applaud your decision to speak out and seek possible solutions. You are obviously a caring husband and capable father.

It is tragic this is happening, but it can and does happen, probably a lot more than our society is willing to admit. I can only hope that when the father comes home, he will be willing to take on child custody. In the meantime, can his grandparents, or aunts/uncles/godparents take him for the rest of the time his father is overseas? I think it is not good for your wife OR the child to continue this situation.

If you can at all handle this non-judgementally before calling in the CPS, that would be best. I know people who have experienced CPS and it is difficult on everyone.

So I am feeling positive this can be worked out; someone should be able to take on the child-care until this young boy's father comes home. And a talk with your wife will be hard...but has to be done. If he had died of the fever with vomit in his bed, there would have been criminal charges.

So YAY this has not happened! There is hope and a positive direction for the future of this youngster!

I hope a nice, helpful therapist can also help your wife figure out what her personal demons are regarding motherhood and her ex-husband. She should have the opportunity to sort out her feelings and actions (and non-actions) with a healer of some sort.

Good luck and please keep us updated. We all care here and want the best for your family.