BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting 5 year old Step son won't listen!

I'm 24, and recently got engaged to my bf of over 1 1/2 years. He has 2 sons, 10 and 5, whom I have taken responsibility for 80% of the time. My fiance works long hours, so I have the kids 5 days a week. I'm new at this, and get frustrated at times. His 5 year old is a darling, but he won't listen to me at all. He throws fits all the time over stupid things, most are huge and out of control. I have to drag him to his room because otherwise he just runs away from me. He tells me I make him mad if he gets in trouble, and he really just treats me like dirt. I am trying the hardest to make sure they have fun, try to take them out sometimes so they aren't cooped up at home, but he still acts like this. It seems no matter what I do, he does this when it's just me. My fiance talks to him and everything, but he just doesn't see how the kid acts when he's not around. I understand that I haven't been around all that long, but I just don't know what to do anymore!

First, remember that he is 5 - this may not be as much a step-mom thing as just a pushing boundaries thing all together.

Is he in kindergarten, yet?

Have you tried bribery? it worked great for me for awhile, till they got to be teenagers. If you do (whatever), then you will get to do (whatever). or, If you finish your chores correctly, then I'll make you an ice cream sundae tonight... use your imagination and figure out what is an incentive to him and his brother. But if they don't finish their chores correctly, then do not reward them. But sometimes, when they were real young, I'd pitch in and "help" them get them done correctly. It depends on the attitude and the kid. But ALWAYS reward them when they have done a good job! When one kid sees another get a reward for a job well done, and he doesn't get the reward, he'll try harder next time. I always wrote things down for them to do, so there was no questions. With a 5 yr old, you could draw a picture and have them put a check mark by it when finished. Has to be something simple, though.

Yeah, I've tried the "If you do this, you will get this" thing. It works sometimes, and sometimes he demands it anyway and throws a big fit. He was doing good for a while with fits and punishments, now it's back to how it was. I don't know if I'm just doing something wrong to where he does it with just me, or what. I just don't know what to do!!!

And he doesn't act like this at all around his dad. Only around me. Could he still be testing?

yes, of course he is and you need to nip it in the butt now or your life will be HELL! You need to get your husband on the same page with you and stand united. He needs to support you. Can you videotape an incident for him to see? Just so he knows what you're going through? Does he not believe you when you tell him? You need to have the authority over the kids when they are with you. He should make sure that they are respecting YOU at all times, and if they don't, then he should dole out some punishments for them not respecting you. You are their authority figure when he's at work, and unless you can get a handle on this, they will continue to make life miserable, which could ultimately lead to a break-up. Is this what they want?

sorry, I forgot you weren't married yet.

This weekend he actually started talking back to Dad and throwing a fit for him. Not as bad as usual, but enough to open my fiance's eyes. And he does talk to them about how they act with me, which works 50/50. I just am hoping they aren't rebelling because of me :(

It's a tough job. I would advise against "catching" the bad behavior on tape. I've had clients do that and it never goes down well and the taper ends up as the bad guy.

What's happened recently (where the dad is seeing the behavior) will happen even more often and get Dad's attention in a healthy way. As long as you are the source of his knowledge of bad behavior, Dad will have a hard time hearing it clearly as he (like all parents) is defensive of his kid, and ... again, you end up with the "kill the messenger" problem. Happens to teachers all the time. A teacher will describe a child's mishavior, the parent will decide the teacher is the problm.

Let me know how it goes. You deserve lots of really good hugs.
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