BellaOnline Forums Family Daughters my mother is emotionally abusive

I have never done a chat forum before. I decided to do this because I feel like I need some neutral feedback from others that understand but are outside the situation. My mother has been emotionally abusive all my life. When ever she wasn't getting her own way she would fly off the handle and go so far as to even threaten to kill herself. She blames me for everything that isn't right in her life. And resents me for not raising my sisters for her. I am the eldest and I pretty much raised my one younger sister. By the time I got married and started having children of my own she had had two more, I decided that raising her two youngest children was not important in my life I now had to focus on my husband and my children. She will yell at me when i say no to having one or both of my younger sisters moving in with me. She will tell me it is my duty to talk to them about important issues like sex, my youngest sister is only 15 and already sexually active and I don't want to be the one that tells her how to have an orgasm when I don't think she was emotionally or physically ready to have an intimate relationship. I am not allowed to have an opinion on any subject that isn't the same as hers. If she is mad at someone she will demand that I be angry as well even if that person has done nothing to me. My entire childhood was spent cleaning her house, taking care of my youngest sister, cooking the meals, making sure all the homework was done and lunches were made for school and so on. I have been raising children since I was very young and am now ready to have my own life and take pleasure in my children. Her most recent activity was at the start of summer she decided to leave her fourth husband. They have had a rocky relationship for the past 11 years. Every 2 years she leaves him and then will go back to him after she has made him "suffer without her long enough" well this time he didn't take her back or go and get her. She moved in with a friend an hour away. I have not been able to financially go and see her. She is angry with me for not going to visit her. She is blaming me for her ended relationship and calling me selfish for not making the time to visit her. I have been unable to go anywhere this summer it isn't like I have been all over the place and just refusing to see her. I tried to explain to her that I just haven't had the funds, my husbands truck is not working right and he has been using my car for the entire summer. He works a 10 and 4 schedule at work. Meaning that he works 24-7 for 10 days then will get 4 days off. Well the only thing we have done this summer was go and pick berries on his days off an that was only twice since he worked most of his days off due to financial reasons. This morning she told me that if I was able to go and pick berries with my family then i should have instead of picking berries gone and spent the day with her. I should be allowed to spend the day with my husband! She was suppose to come spend sunday with my two little boys and she never showed up or even called. Instead she went out of town and told my aunt what a terrible and selfish person I was for not making the time to see her. Yet if I tell her that punishing my children because she is mad at me is wrong she will fly off the deep end and accuse me of even more. She truly believes that since she gave birth to me that I should spend the rest of my life in servitude to her. She never has anything nice to say. And she loves to take credit for my accomplishments. I recently finished a Certified herbalist course and she told everyone that it was because of her that I did it. She will use my certificate to try and get jobs stating that it was because of her interest in herbs that got me started that she gets to take full credit and that is just one thing that she takes credit for. She makes up memories about me as a child that are completely not true! Then bully me into saying that they are. If I try to tell her that it didn't happen that way she will go into a rage and insist that it did. She tells me that it is my fault that she suffers from depression. When she gets mad at my father for not paying child support she will tell me I have to call him and get mad at him. I have very little to do with my dad. She has gone behind my back and told my husband things that are not true about me too. To the point where we had to decided not to let her get away with it. Every time she does it he would tell me what she said so that we wouldn't get into a fight. I have been with my husband since I was 18 we married at 19 and she still tries all the time to split us up. Just this morning a friend of hers called me and told me that I should call her that it may cheer her up. I didn't want to since I know she spent all weekend acting nuts and not calling me to even tell me that she wasn't coming on sunday. For some reason I, against my better judgement, called. I got the usual "I am not in a good place", " That she lost her husband and now her entire family", "that I am selfish for not giving up time with my family to see her", and that "I just ruined her whole day by phoning her and that she was now having to go to the doctor for more antidepressants." I knew inside that I shouldn't have called but felt like I had no choice. I am tired of living in fear of her mood swings and tired of feeling helpless in my dealings with her. I hate how she goes to great lengths to make me feel bad about myself. Nothing is ever good enough and she never takes any responsibility for her own actions. I want to have the strength to just no have nothing to do with her. But she always tells me that I have to love her and that I have to like her because she is my mother. She will play on my guilt and force me to put her ahead of everything else in my life. I am scared that if I continue to let her bully me that I may become a bully myself. That if I don't get her out of my life she will finally succeed in ruining my marriage and finally making me as lonely and miserable as she is. She has gone so far as to tell my husband that I am not good enough for him! Even now I feel like I am betraying her just by writing my thoughts here. I want to be free and feel like a terrible person for feeling like that will only happen after she has passed away. I am sorry to sound like just a complaining whining little witch.

A destructive and manipulative person. Straight up fact. My father was much the same. A birth defect, born without a conscience. That does not reflect on you, nor are you obligated to fix it for her. She is crazy, she is malignant, separate yourself for your own sanity, and see a counselor to help you to learn to accept her for what she is and stop letting her push your buttons. She is sick, and that is beyond your control. Not your fault, and you cannot help her. Allowing her to do this to you just helps her keep being sick...you are doing her more harm than good by letting her manipulate you, and you are certainly doing yourself and your family no good either. Walk away...and tell her why. Explain that when she is ready to treat you with respect and decency, if she ever will, that she is welcome to be in your life...but on YOUR terms. Forgive yourself and let go of the guilt...stop believing what she says about you...the ravings of a sick soul. You'll feel a thousand pounds lighter once you put the insanity aside and concentrate on the important things...and the people who appreciate the person you truly are, your husband and your children.

Ditto to Melinda's post!
This person isn't your mother, she is a malignant soul who is poisoning you so she can feel her power over you. You can't ever satisfy her, the only thing you can do is save yourself by cutting her out of your life. She will rant and rave about you to others, but surely they know her for what she is.
I was the scapegoat of a selfish, manipulative Wicked Witch mother too, and I know how toxic they can be. What saved me was moving 1000 miles away from her, and having the good fortune to have a real mother for a Mother-in-Law, who taught me how to love and nurture children, not torture them.
Be strong and know that your life is worth fighting for.

Thank you. I think I just needed to have my thoughts confirmed by people who were neutral in the situation. I am tired of being treated like I don't matter. She has to control everything and when she can't she will become unstable and down right mean. It was different when I was younger and it was just me I had to worry about but now she is trying to pull the same [censored] on my two little boys. One she treats like dirt for no reason other then she wants too, he is only 6 years old and terrified to be around her. She is always giving him heck for some small infraction or another and it is even worst when all the kids are doing the same thing and he is the only that she is trying to get mad at. I have had plenty of fights with her over that and finally decided a year ago that she would not get to spend time with him, especially if I wasn't there. And my other boy is 10 she tells everyone that he is damaged because years ago when he was 4 he ended up in the hospital extremely sick. They never could figure out what was wrong, but he almost died. Also he was born with problems with his eyes. He was considered legally blind and we have corrected it, but because he was behind in reading and writing due to his inability to see she now tells everyone that when he was sick and almost died that it "damaged" him. When I get mad at her for saying that she tells me to face reality and not to be so sensitive. I really work to limit any and alI contact she has with my boys, which angers her, but I refuse to let them suffer at her hand and she just doesn't get it. I plan on moving the first chance I get so that I can get as far away from her as possible. Just need to plan it and go somewhere where myself and my family can be happy. I have talked about going to counseling with my husband and we both feel that it will help me a lot. I am so scared of becoming of product of my upbringing that I refuse to let that happen. It is just a comfort being able to express myself here and not be told that I am being foolish or oversensitive and that I am making a big deal out of nothing. Thank you for that. I think this is the first step to a good recovery, instead of making the normal excuses for her behavior I will now be truthful with myself over what she has done and still will do. There really is no point in trying to talk to her about this since I have tried to do that in the past on many occasions with the same results every-time. instead I think I will just weed her out of my life until I can finally move and find total peace. I have caller ID i don't need to answer the phone.

Hello to everyone, as you can see i'm a newbie here and about to spill 30yrs of emotional abusive mother that i have never written about before. I feel i cannot cope with these feelings anymore the final straw came when she posted her feelings on facebook. I apologise first hand if this thread is a bit long winded or perhaps it does'nt make sense, but i feel i need to share my experience before i completey go ga ga. Well here goes, my mother and father divourced when i was four after her several affairs and bledding him dry of his money i was subject to all the arguments and fights. She then married a serviceman, was very open with sex never hiding it from me never very discret, she had my brother omiting now that she wishes she never had him. Yet again she had several affairs, she never really cared about myself and my brothers welfare, never taking us to see the dentist, letting us have time off achool for no reason. I remember being in the school choir i was so proud, when it came to singing in concert i did'nt have one family memember there to watch, i felt so embarresed as all my friends family was there, i had to make a excuse why they was'nt there. Anyway mum was working as a waitres, she had met an older gentleman who appered to be well off with money she was smitten instantly, this affair went on for several months i had to keep the secret from her then husband and the rest of the family, thats a lot for a ten year old. She would often take me to see her boyfriends and often told me if she had to chose between me or her lover it would be her lover, that has always stayed in my mind and hurts the most. Again as the divource was going through i was subjuct to the arguments and fights, i had to clean the blood and mess up quite often. We went to live with my grandparents she left my brother with his father, life was a little quieter, i loved my grandparents, my grandfather was very protective of me. One night my grandfather told my mother a few home truths which she did'nt like so once again we had to up and leave, so we moved back in with my brothers father. She was still having an affair with this older man who promised me the world, i always had wanted a pony, so he said he would buy me one, we went to look for one, i found the most beautifull pony, we also looked at large houses with acres of land, he suddenly made some excuse that i had offended him and that he had changed his mind, mum used to believe everthing he said, it turns out his was umemployed and living on benifits so he had no way of buying these things. He made her pregnant 3 times, not bad for someone who was supposed to of had the snip, i had to go through all the emotions of my mother having abortion after abortion, as you can imagine i had to grow up quick. Things was'nt working to well with her lover, so she decided to try and commit suidcide, this was a very emotional time for me, i felt very alone and unloved. She got over this picked herself up, we moved into a lovely cottage things were going grwat we had goats and chickens all sorts of animals, thats the only time i felt loved was when i spent time with animals. She then got back with the monster, for a short while, he got me a dog who was lovely but because he kept barking he used to lock him up all day in the coal shed, this upset me so much. When returning from school, my dear little dog was taken away to the dogs home, i was devestated. Things was looking rocking again, this guy used to break into the cottage when we wasnt there, steal money from me then make out how carless i was for not looking after it properly, mum used to blame me for the arguments saying its always my fault. She finally splitt from that monster, and met a lovely man, who i am still very close to now. He lived far way, she would often leave me on my own for weeks at a time to be with this man, i was 12 at the time and was very scared., she would lie and tell him i was staying with my grandparents. She finally married him, i moved back in with my brothers father so i could finish school. Once i finished scool i moved in with her, she forced me to go out with this boy, telling me who else would have me, it did'nt go very well i went through a rough patch being a teenager. I finally moved back in with my brother fathers, i met a guy who was 8 yrs older thenme, we styed together for 4yrs was engaged to be married, i knew he was'nt the one for me, he wanted children, after yrs of my mother telling never to have children i has kinded of stuck and i am know to scred of having them incase i turn out like her. We split up, i went through i wild stage i was 21 clubbing and drinking was on my mind. I finally met my husband we have been married for 8 yrs, we did'nt really see mum that often which was great for us, i felt out of her clutches. She met her 4th husband, this is where all the troulble has started all over again. He was so he said a wealthy business man, who offerd me a good well payed job, so we moved and i started working for him along with my mother, the business was'nt going as well as he had made out, another lying toad she has met. I had no wages for 6 months we were getting heavily into debt, they had promised me things will come right with the business, i had taken out loans for them, woth no thanks or when they would pay me backi He constantlying was plain as day but mum just could'nt see it, he is an emotional bully telling her she should'nt drive anymore, or she's overweight, he would tell me my husband is a waster bacuase he works in a garage and that he has no ambition in life, but he's good enough when he wants his car serviced. Anyway mum does'nt speak to my brother anymore bacuse her husband tells her not too, my grandfather died and she fell out with her mother, she told not to speak to the rest of my family and would bombared me with questions all the time, if i had seen them. Because she was controlled she would control me, because for some odd reason i respected my mother i did as she told me. She would often make things awkward for me, days of silence then if i said anything she would say i hate her, she has started to lash out at me puunching my head in front of other employees. I now find myself unemployed because once agin the business has'nt gone well, in a way i feel relieved that i will never have to work with my mother and that monster she calls a husband again. She called me the other day telling me they have a business plan again and that they may have to move away, i never really had much to say, because of this she posted thread on facebook that none of her family cares about her should of seen it all along and that other people have made mistakes not just her meaning me, but instead of saying it to my face she has to make sure everyone else reads it. I feel very hurt about this, i keep blaming myself for all this, my husband tells me she's a very selfiss person, and let her get on with her own life. I'm 30yrs old and my mother is still emotional bulling me! What should i do, i feel that i should leave things how they are, she's had her last say, as the saying goes she's made her bed she can lie in it.

People who do this generally do so for control. You will only be playing right into it. Whenver she spouts off like that say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Nothing else needs to be said because it's all in her head.

Limit your contact. Gain control of your own life. Go to counseling and forgive her (for yourself, not for her). A counselor, especially for domestic violence, can assist you with releasing this anger and pain that she has caused you.

She will be back. But don't let her in. She's like an emotional vampire and will suck the happiness out of you just to gain control over you.

One last thing, be proud that you have broken the cycle.

Thankyou for that,that makes my feel more positive now about the situation. I have'nt had any contact with her now for over a week now, so each day gets better.

Let me just add that it is possible to break the cycle once you start accepting the truth which can be very painful and which will not be very easy to beleive while your self esteem is low but eventually it sinks in and things become clearer. You look back and realise that regardless of whether you are in contact or not , you know when to walk away, when to say what you have to say and you realise that the intensity of your emotions diminishes as you see clearly that its not your fault.

There is such a stigma attached to admitting your mother is emotionally abusive. Especially when you are way past 30. My friends found it riduculous, my boyfriends would throw it in my face, my father was in denial and my brothers would cower whenever the dark clouds of depression and verbal abuse would begin. I felt so isolated. She is, you see, a very subservient and classy lady outside the house. One who boasts about her children and is so understanding. She never lets her guard down. In the house, she is verbally abusive, sometimes violent, attention seeking, dictatorial, controlling and humiliates us. She villifies anyone who may see the real her and distances herself from members of my fathers family. The only thing that helped me (becasue to be honest - as much as people say they believe you - they don't) is a book called 'When you and your mother can't be friends' by Victoria Secunda. I had to read it a couple of times and it made me feel that I was not mad. It didn't offer any clear solutions - these type of people are mentally disturbed but live as if everyone around them are - but it gave me a goal and a coping mechanism. [url]http://mytrickymum.wordpress.com[/url]

Hi Katblog!

Welcome to the forum and glad to see you have posted.