BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids New and need advice

Hi Everybody, I am in a situation that I really need some advice. Let me start off I am 24, I have never known absolutely I wanted kids like all my friends. I just figure it's what you do. At this point in my life I don't want any and don't see them but am afraid I might regret it later on. I have been dating a wonderful man for 1 1/2 years. We are talking about marriage, the only thing is he has two girls from a previous marriage and does not want anymore. We do so much together and have so much in common to have a fulfilled life and like I said I don't want kids now. My question is are or have any of you been in this boat? Does anyone regret not having them, what is your life like without them? How did you come to the decision not to have any? Thanks for your time, Heather

Hi Wild, In the end only you can decide if this is the road for you. For me, I was never really into kids when I was a kid. I have a sister who is 9 yrs younger than me and she was not an easy child for my parents to raise. I was old enough to see how bad it was before it can get really bad. My sister was a pain but never got in trouble with the law. She now has kids of her own, a good paying job and a loving husband. For awhile, I was a fencesitter but leaning towards no kids. It was external pressure making me doubt my choice but eventually hubby and I decided no kids was the best choice. Regrets? None so far and I have reached an age that having my own naturally is no longer possible. I try to spend time with my sister's children. Hanging out with them actually confirms I made the correct choice. So much work and the payback doesn't seem big enough to me to make up for it. In your situation, you will be taking on some responsibility with your partners children. Not an easy situation even in the best circumstances. I suggest talking it through with your partner and possibly getting some counselling to talk it out with an impartial party. You still have lots of time to consider the situation. Some deep soul searching is required.

I really like how you put this, fastfox. For a long time I thought that something was wrong with me for not wanting kids, that I was missing some part of the picture. Now most of my friends have children. The last time I remember a glow on their faces was the day their babies were born. Every time I visited with them thereafter, the familiar awkwardness/discomfort of being around kids never failed to re-visit me.

So now I can say, "Beth, you've seen the whole picture now. You weren't meant to be a Mom!!" You have to follow that "gut feeling" TODAY. Life's too stressful right now to worry about what you'll think ten years from now.

Hi Heather, I'm 43 and don't have kids. I love my freedom, the opportunities that I've been able to take and the ability to make changes easily. I've been married for 10 years to a man who had two kids. The youngest is now 19 and lives with us full time. I don't take on the Mom role, but I do have to get on him about his chores etc. I've always helped him with his homework, but it's all volunteer and I like it that way. It was hard when my friends started having kids in my 20's. I just wasn't interested in their new lifestyle and so we drifted apart. Now that I'm 43 a lot more people I tend to know have kids that are grown and our lifestyles are not as different, but I still can't talk to them about all the traveling that I've done and my career challenges. I've been able to buy investment properties for the last 10 years, work on my career, and take on miscellaneous challenges that would have been too much with kids. I feel that since I didn't have that burning desire to have kids, I would have been very unhappy for at least 18 years. I read a report that said that most people were happier thinking about their kids than when they were actually with them. A lot of parents are in denial. Of course they can't say they are unhappy about their kids. That would be evil, LOL, but true. I wish you a good life either way. MeganMNK

MeganMNK,

Why not talk about your travel and career? I think that with all we have to hear from our friends about their life with children, they owe it to us to listen to our life stories. And you know that for the most part, your friends had kids by choice -- no one forced them into it!

My husband and I just got back from a wonderful vacation to Alaska (where there are few kids around, btw). My husband told me that whenever my friends start talking enthusiastically about spit-up and dirty diapers, I should start talking about our Alaskan cruise -- about the endless salmon dishes, the beautiful mountains, etc. Why not? If they are so enthralled about their children, I should be equally as entralled about my freedoms with work and play. Wouldn't you agree?

You know I've never thought of it that way. We should be able to talk about what we're proud of instead of having to keep it to ourselves only to make someone feel comfortable. Besides, there is a difference between chit chatting and bragging. I have a friend who travels all the time and I think it's wonderful. If they're true friends who wish to see you happy, then they shouldn't mind one bit.

Hi Wildmontana, welcome. Someone at this forum said it so perfectly (sorry son't remember who, but all credits to her!): At the end of my life I'd rather feel regret for not having children then feeling regret for having children...... Some people (i am one of them) just don't feel the need to produce offspring. Love your life the way it is, enjoy the world, learn, grow and love with all of your heart and feel good about the strong relationship you have with your husband, I truly believe a good loving, supporting relationship were you can ben yourself is more important for your happinness than having children....

[quote=HappytobeMe]I truly believe a good loving, supporting relationship were you can ben yourself is more important for your happinness than having children.... [/quote] I couldn't agree more! I remember reading somewhere about a study that measured levels of happinees in elderly people who had and didn't have children. The results showed that it didn't matter if these people had children or not, what made them happy was that they had [i]chosen[/i] to be either parents or childfree. I found it to be an eye opener since it completely dispelled the myth that we'll regret not having children later on in life. It's also a true indication that we owe it to ourselves to live our lives according to our individual personalities instead of society's rules.

To WildMontana, good luck with your decision. It sounds like the girls are young enough that even if you don't have children, you will still be able to enjoy the best of both worlds by being involved in theirs. I hope you find your own peace and the right decision for you :)

Here, Here, Kaye!!!! I agree - the older I get the more GRATEFUL I am that I knew myself well enough to resist the pressure and not have kids. My life is much more fun, much more stress free, and much more affluent than it would have been. I see parents struggling with kids at the grocery store - they look frazzled and NEVER happy. At that point I always have that moment of intense relief...