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#546158 09/03/09 02:09 AM
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Hi everyone,
I wanted to take a moment to check in with you all and see how you are doing. I hope that you are all doing great and progressing in your journey towards healing. If you can, would you please let me know how you are doing?

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Hi kellie, I had my first counselling session. I hated it, I really hope it doesn't feel like that every time. They were really nice but it was my first time talking about it and I felt so sick. I cried all night and most of today, is that normal? Part of me wishes I could just forget about it and block it out again but I know I can't so I will keep going. I really hope this doesn't put off anyone else from seeking help as I'm sure in the end it will be worth it. I just need to know if the feelings I'm having are the norm for the first time you speak about it. I feel really down, am going to doctors tomorrow so I think he is going to increase my medication. Also have some health issues at moment so it just feels like things are getting on top of me. I have to have lymph nodes removed next week as they are enlarged and my aunt had lymphoma last year. sorry for rambling on, I think I am just having a couple of bad days. Thanks for listening, again.

Last edited by janie76; 09/15/09 07:34 AM.
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Hi Janie,

I know I am coming into this discussion late - but I just saw what you wrote about your counseling session and I wanted to give you some words of encouragement.

The first few session do hurt A LOT. This is stuff that you have had boiling and churning up inside of you for years and you are finally letting it out.

If you think of it like a physical infection, it makes a lot of sense.

If your leg gets broken, but is never treated properly - then the bone heals crooked and many times a bone infection can set up. Sometimes even gangrene can set in. A doctor must then go in and re-open the wound and drain all the pus and infection out - in other words, get all the poison out. Then has has to re-break the bone and reset it in order for it to heal straight. So only after more pain can the real healing begin.

I was date raped in college, and did not seek help until almost 20 years later. I buried my memories, and actually blocked many of them. Pulling them out to begin with brought back horrid nightmares, flashbacks, etc. But eventually getting it out into the open started to help. Letting that poison out helped me to heal. It helped me to get rid of all the self-doubts and self-recriminations I had made about myself.

So, you are very normal in feeling worse in the beginning. But it does get better. You just have to stick with it. Yea to ou for taking this brave step to seek help! It is never easy to to reach out at first, because it feels like such a big risk. But it is soooooo worth it! {hugs} lovers


Michelle Taylor
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janie76,
I believe that what you experienced is very normal and to be expected. Remember that when a person has not shared those horrific secrets for years, it is very difficult to begin to share them. The key is to take baby steps. I'm sure your counselor will help you with that. I can remember the first time I walked into an office to talk about the abuse I endured. I remember that the room was dimly lit, which made me feel better. I also remember how calming the room seemed. However, I also remember how I felt. I was scared. I was sick to my stomach. I was confused. I was ashamed. All of those emotions flood to the surface when we begin to talk about the abuse we endured. It will be painful at first.

I rarely talk about my health issues, but for you I will. I went through so much stress throughout my life with being abused by both my parents and my ex-husband, that two doctors told me my body just couldn't handle the stress anymore. That's my understanding of why I have the auto-immune disorder that I have. I am deaf in my left ear and hard-of-hearing in my right ear. I have had numerous occasions, over the years, of my eyesight being decreased. I also have no balance on one side of my body. This is all due to the auto-immune disorder that I have. Recently, I have lost more hearing in both ears and my balance is getting worse. I share all of that with you to say that there will be days when it just seems like you just cannot go on. And it will feel like your plate is very full - and it is. But, you have to find that strength and courage from within and continue on. Many times, when our bodies are stressed out, we can get sick because of it. So, please be gentle with yourself. Take it in baby steps and pamper yourself. Get lots of rest. Know that what you are feeling is normal and it will get better. Continue to go to counseling. Let your doctor know how difficult the first session was and if necessary, ask them if you can slow the pace down a bit.

I hope that everything is ok with your lymph nodes. I am always here for you. If you just need to vent, please know that you can do that here.

Last edited by Kelli Deister; 09/16/09 04:56 AM.
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Michelle,
I loved how you described it! You worded it perfectly. Thanks so much for stopping by the forums and sharing that description with her.

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I am going to councelling 2 x a wk. It feels like the room is spinning there sometimes. It is so good to hear that I am not crazy though:) I would now go everyday if I could. As a child I was never heard. I really need to keep sorting out the truth from the lies Ive been told. My mom use to call me crazy and a crybaby. I now have post traumatic stress disorder from being screamed at,ridiculed, threatened,chased,hit,swung at etc. I am staying home alot. I am so glad that my fear has a name and a cause. I am staying away from the abusers involved. They have tried to contact me and even aggravate me in ways because I wont see them. When this happens (and from thinking @)I get a stomach ache and have to lay down. I have been very hard on myself but I need not be. Plenty of that has been done already! Thank you Kelli for your posts! I dont know why I stopped coming here. I was so so so depressed. I was hiding. It is good for me to come here. Especially when Im in alot of pain. My (drunken)family is now trying to recrute my 19 yr old daughter. They never had time for my kids before. Now because Im not gonna be a whipping post they are talking w/ Jes about what? you guessed it! how crazy I am! all the more reason to heal! I need to help Jes understand when she is ready! very scary system to get dragged into! any thoughts welcome!! hugs to all!!

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My first thought when I read your post if that your abusers are nothing more than a set of big bullies that know they can no longer get to you - so they are throwing a temper tantrum.

They abused you when you were little and they had power over you. They no longer have that power. You are taking control of yourself, and they know it. So what do they do? Try to convince you and those around you that you are crazy now so you won't believe that you are actually a strong independent person that can be wholly self-reliant and doesn't NEED them in your life.

Who are you going to trust more; people that hit you your entire life and is trying to still control every step you take (and are alcoholis from the sound of it) OR a professional counselor whose only goal is to help you heal and who, before you met, had an entirely unbiased opinion about the circumstances?



For both Janie & Freemenow: something that really helped me when I was first starting out with counseling and the memories were so painful and scary was having something to hold onto while I talked with my counselor. She had tons of pillows all over her couch (she was a pillow addict!) and she had this one particular one that had little tiny buttons on it, but some were missing. Well, by the time we got all the memories out - ALL the buttons were missing! grin I went and bought her a new pillow that day. But I also didn't need the pillow so much at that point, either.

It was kind of like a grown up version of a teddy bear.


Michelle Taylor
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Michelle,
Once again, thank you! You said it perfectly. There is nothing else that I can add to that, except that you reminded me of the one thing I had forgotten about -- holding onto something while in therapy. I also had something to hold, well two things actually. The first was a large pillow that was on the couch. One day, while the counselor stepped out for a bit, I clung to that pillow, sat down on the floor, and just started to cry. That was so helpful for me. The other thing I held onto was something I bought at Price Buster's. It was a small ceramic egg. It fit perfectly in my hand and I squeezed it as hard as I could while in counseling.

Thanks again Michelle!

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I am a newbie; just registered today. I have had a lifetime of anxiety and tremendous unrealistic fears; this never made any sense to me. I have also been under treatment for major depression for over 15 years. About 6 weeks ago, I began remembering things from my childhood (I'm 52) that have absolutely turned my life upside down. I was an incest victim (my father, grandmother & grandfather) for 10 years; ages 2-12. There was also an incredible amount of emotional and spiritual abuse, along with physical abuse. I have, fortunately, been seeing a Christian counselor weekly for many years and he has been a tremendous help. It's awfully painful, though, and sometimes I can hardly breathe. I just am so thankful to be here. And I just want to thank everyone for sharing; I am thinking of each of you and pray for God's peace for all. Peace is a very precious thing; I'm sure something that most of us have had little or none of. Take care everyone; give yourselves a big hug!

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Julie1957,
Welcome to the forum! There are many supportive individuals here.

I'm so sorry to hear of all the abuse that you have endured. However, I'm thrilled to learn that you are in therapy and it is working for you. Feel free to post here whenever you need to. As I said earlier, you will find many supportive individuals here on the forum. Again, welcome!

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