BellaOnline Forums Family Child Abuse have i done the right thing?

hi, not sure how to start, I'm 32 and as a child i was abused,sexually. I very recently told my mom and husband , I was suffering severe migraines and was sick all the time for no reason. Then the nightmares started and I just stopped sleeping. I had been seeing my doctor for years but every time I tried hinting that I was depressed she brushed me off. I don't find this easy to talk about so forgive me for rambling. I saw a new doctor 2 weeks ago for yet another migraine and told him I wasn't sleeping, he told me straight away that he felt there was something on my mind that I wasn't telling him, I started crying and told him I had been abused by my grandfather and that it was starting to affect me and I didn't understand why after 20 years it was getting to me now. My mother was with me at the time and said that I did need help to move on as my grandfather has been dead over 15 years and there is nothing i can do about him. The thing is my grandfather wasn't the only one to do it, so did my brother. nobody but me and him know about this and we do not have a relationship. Is it still abuse even? he was 5 years older than me. between both of them my abuse lasted about 6 years.Thing is I'm scared it will come out about my brother and I don't want that to happen. It would tear what is left of my family apart. I also feel very ashamed about what happened, I still can't say what happened aloud. Part of me is glad to get help as i have 3 beautiful kids and I don't want them to see me sad, but part of me is sorry that I said anything. thank you for letting me get this off my chest and again forgive me for rambling a bit.

janie76,
I'm so sorry you endured what you did. As far as your question on whether what your brother did is abuse or not, yes, it is abuse. I understand how difficult it is to share. I found it hard to even write about it or draw about it. However, with the right doctor and therapist, it is possible to get it out and find healing. Granted, it doesn't happen quickly. It will take time because when we begin to share it is a slow progression. Baby steps are ok. In fact, I recommend sharing in baby steps. With each memory, you will find very painful emotions and feelings. But, I believe that you have that inner strength to begin your journey to healing.

Is your husband supportive of you? Are you able to talk to him about what you are going through? It sounds like your new doctor is excellent and aware of things. That's great! It is important to build a network of supportive people in your life.

It also sounds like you love your three children with all your heart. I have two children, now 16 and 18. When I first started seeking help, in 2003, they were my priority. I have an aunty that I love very much. She told me that I cannot take care of my children until I take care of me. Those were very wise words that she spoke to me. I found a therapist that I could trust and now have found healing. It took me some time to find a therapist that I felt I could really trust and that was genuine, but they are out there. I recommend you try to find one that can help you personally.

I am here for you, if you need to talk.

Hi kelli, thank you,I cried when i read your reply. deep down I knew it was abuse but i think i needed to hear it from someone else. My husband tries to support me, he doesn't know about my brother, unfortunatly he isn't comfortable hearing the details so I don't tell him much. He feels mad about it and says he wishes he could get his hands on the person who did this to me. I don't really have anyone to talk to at the moment and I'm not sure I could say what they did to me out loud anyway, it was probably not the worst thing you have heard but it was pretty bad. My husband did go out and buy me a journal though, he thought it might help to write it down and it really does. I have been writing it for about a week now. It made me feel sick at first but it got easier. I do love my kids very much, to be honest if it weren't for them I would have given up already. They are still young 7,5 and 3. they are our pride and joy. well thanks again, it's been so long since I had someone to talk to that I've rambled on again.

janie76,

From what I understand, it is difficult for spouses to hear about the details of their loved ones abusive past. Perhaps it is just too painful for them to hear about it, knowing that they don't know how to help make it better. It also makes them feel angry and leaves them wanting to hurt the person that hurt you, just as you described above.

I applaud your husband in helping you, even with something as simple as a journal. He is supporting you in the way he knows best how to do. It will take some time for you to be able to write down the most painful memories and emotions. I truly recommend you find a therapist to help you through those moments.

Your children are at wonderful ages. They are so much fun at those ages. I remember when mine were that young. It's funny, I was looking at my 18-year-old son the other day and remembering when I could hold him in one arm. lol

I am always here for you. Please know that.

thank you again kelli. I met with my doctor today and I finally told him about my brother(he only knew about my grandfather up until now). That was a huge step for me.I had never told anyone I know before and I think it made me reach a turning point. I am going to see him next week again and I feel like I am ready to see a therapist. I'm ready to move forward with my life, and be the best mom and wife that i can be. I think to do that I'm going to have to start to let go of the past and look forward to the future that I can have. Talking to you has really helped me,you do a lot of good here, I hope someday I will get to help someone in return. thank you. i will keep letting you know how i get on if that's ok?

janie76,

I am so very proud of you!!! You took a very courageous step today in releasing that piece of information. I commend you! I am also thrilled to hear that you plan to see a therapist. You, my friend, have begun your journey towards healing.

You will be able to help someone in return. I have no doubt about that. Please do keep me updated. I am always here for the members of this forum.

Again, congratulations!