BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage failing marriage

Hi, Im new to bellaonline, and to forums in general. I'm looking for advice, or opinions maybe. how do you know when you want to end your marriage? I did read an article on the subject, which is what led me to bellaonline. My husband and I are in counseling, but I am so confused. We don't fight, we respect and care for each other, but I just feel as if I never loved him the way that I should have. The article mentioned that if you wished your spouse would find someone he could love, that is a sign that is over, and I have thought that for quite a while now. We have been married for sixteen years, and have four children. I can not imagine that we couldn't work this out if we tried; our counselor advised a book, and through reading that we have a lot of strengths. But I am afraid to say ok lets make this work, because I don't want to end up as desperately unhappy as I have been the last few years. It's not that I don't care for him - there is no better person in the world. But I am tired of being unhappy. I'm starting to think that I am incapable of happiness.

Hello, lily1. Just a question for you: what do you mean when you say you "never loved him in the way you should have?"

Sometimes, feelings wax and wane over the years, depending on the phase of your life. So many things can affect your feelings for each other. It's great that you care for and respect each other. How old are your children?

Are you happy in other areas of your life? Do you have other fulfilling outlets other than your marital relationship?

Of course you are capable of being happy! But sometimes, it takes a little soul searching to learn how to create the happiness you want in your life. For me, there are three ways that I use to check my happiness barometer: 1. Make a list of all the things and activities that make me happy and revel in them! (For example, I gave myself permission to just have fun with the kids and enjoy good times.) 2. Find a higher purpose or cause to contribute to (Turn outward and by helping a cause that is meaningful to you, the void in your heart will be filled.) and 3. Turn to God for peace and direction.

Be sure to get a medical/OBGYN check up. Be healthy in body because it carries around and feeds your brain!

Tell us how you met your husband and what made you marry him?

Hi lily1, I too wanted out of my marriage but for other reasons. We didnt respect eachother and we fought alot. I have three children with my husband and we are working it out and decided to stay married. Im reading this book called "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. This book helps you figure out who you are and the relationships you have and why we are here on earth which is to love eachother. It says not to follow your heart because it is decieteful. We as human beings tend to base our decisions on our feelings at the moment and we usually regret them. We need to lead our hearts which means wherever we are putting our time and energy is where our hearts will follow. If you start working on loving and spending quality time with your husband and do things for him like something as simple as making him his favorite desert. You will find yourself falling in love with him because you have put your heart into it. I may not explain it that well but I do recommend the book. I wish you the best. You have been with your husband for sixteen years and have four children so it is worth the fight to keep. May God bless you and your family.

What if you did say "Okay, let's make this work" and it didn't? Apparently you are all ready unhappy, but at least if you gave it your all you would know for sure one way or the other. I say put your heart, body, and spirit into this marriage and don't look back. If you still come up feeling like you should leave, at least you'll have the peace of knowing you gave it your best shot. Otherwise, perhaps you'll find that great love with your husband that you are feeling empty of because you gave it a chance after all.

If you are looking to your spouse for happiness and fulfillment, then you are looking in the wrong place. Nobody can make you happy but yourself. You need to find out what makes you feel happy, alive and fulfilled as an individual.

Love is a verb. It's about commitment to another person. Love is nothing like it's portrayed in Hollywood. Measuring your relationship by those false and unrealistic standards dooms your relationship before it even starts.

The following books are very helpful:
Contemplating Divorce - Should You Stay Or Should You Go?

Can Your Relationship Be Saved? How To Know Whether To Stay Or To Go

Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay