BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Newbie from Australia

Hi Everyone, Just wanted to say Hi, and thank goodness I found you as I have been struggling for some time. My story is this, I am 39 years old and newly married to an absolutely wonderful man whom I adore and he adores me. I have a step daughter who is 9. I always wanted children until she came into my life.....she is a great kid, no dramas with her, loving and kind. I just dont cope well with a child in the house (we have her 50% of the time) I always wanted it myself until the reality smacked me in the face and now I really question whether it is for me. I feel all the similar things that others here have posted about such as who will I leave my stuff to, will I be lonely later. Everyone says its different when its your own but I am not sure I want to take the risk. I guess I just feel time is running out to make the decision. Thanks in advance. Jeannie

The way I see it, you don't need to have your own children if you are that much unsure about it. You now have a step-daughter which you care about very much. If I were you, I would put a lot of energy into building a solid relationship with her given the 50% of the week you spend with her. She can definitely be as much of a daughter to you as if you had a daughter biologically. I am married and do not plan to have children, but if I gain any nieces and/or nephews in the future, I will do the same with them.

Welcome Jeannie! I totally agree with beth_m!! As for who to leave your things to, you have plenty of time to figure that out. I'm sure you have family of some kind that will still be around? Good friends? Good causes?

As for being alone, having children is no guarantee that you won't be alone, and raising a child is quite a price to pay just so you won't be alone one day. Frankly, I'd rather be happy when I'm young than when I'm old. Invest in friendships. I love my family deeply, but I find the most enjoyment from my friends. Cultivate life-long friendships.

I wish you the best in your decision.

Welcome Jeannie70, thank you for sharing your story. Try to be the best you you can be for your stepdaughter, you don't need biological kids to give your love, attention and time. My husband and I have 4 godchildren, whom we love dearly, every now and then one of them (not all four at the same time) comes over for a day of fun. The more time we spend with them the more we know for sure we don't want children of our own (btw i have never met more well behaved great children than our godchildren). It is such a mixed feeling, because we love them, and at the same time we feel like BECAUSE we love them we don't want kids of our own. Children aren't "things" and once you have one you cannot say after a couple of years: "no this is not what i wanted, bye bye". So my advise is when you have doubt don't have a child, it's not fair to the child and not fair to yourself. wishing you all the best.

Sometimes the children who aren't even your own do more for you than the ones you've birthed. Life is funny that way isn't it?

I personally love kids and I don't think I would have had a problem meeting a man with children. There would be nothing more I would enjoy than having a good, solid relationship with them. But then I say this without really knowing what it would be like.

In your situation though, you seem to already have a great daughter. You just have to ask yourself if you desire any more? It's not something to take lightly and I think you and your husband should discuss it often. But if that desire isn't within you, it's best to just enjoy what you currently have and let it be.

Happytobeme said it well, "when you have doubt don't have a child". I couldn't agree with that more.

Good luck with your decision.

Thanks everyone, I really dont want anymore, as I said, I thought I did until the reality of it 50% of the time arrived. I love my time, She is already 'half way there' before the independence with start to kick in with her and then we are free again to follow our own paths....i hope that doesnt sound selfish (i always grapple with the guilt...I have wonderful parents who continually tell me its not selfish ad I shouldnt feel guilty but for some reason I still do???) Did any of you have the same feelings? Jeannie

Hey Jeannie, Welcome to this forum, you will see that there is great support and understanding! Regarding your question about guilt for not heaving children, you're not the only one. I also feel very guilty, almost useless to society and I don't know how to justify my existence in earth. I know that all this is purely nonsence, but it is what most people believe, and alhough I completely disagree, it doesn't help me to get rid of these feelings. Somehow people tend to believe that the life of parents is more important than the life of childfree people, although parents are devoted only to their own kids and their family, while most CF people truly and offer to society in every way they can.

Totally agree about parental priorities vs. CF priorities. Most of the parents I know spend almost all of their outreaching abilities to their own children. That's OK, supposed to be that way, but CF people are always unfairly coined as self-centered, while it is the CF people who are usually more active in community outreach than the parents! I think that the parents who accuse CF people of being selfish like to do because they are envious that CF people own more "me" time than they do.

When I met my husband, 10 years ago, his kids were 9 and 14. I moved in almost immediately, which must have been weird for the kids, but both of us knew we were meant to be together. So..since then I have found that my relationship with the kids has always had a sense of separation in it. It may be my inability to connect with them, but I think it's really hard when they are that age when you meet them to develop a closeness. We lost the oldest at age 17 in a car accident, and in spite of our "lack of closeness" my heart still aches 7 years later. So there is some sort of connection with step children, but when they still have both parents around, I think it will always be a limited relationship from a parenting stand-point. The youngest is now 19 and living with us full-time. I, like any sane parent, can't wait until he flies the coop! I just want it to be after he finishes college. My main goal with him now is to get him through college, and out the door! I can't wait to run around the house naked with my husband!

Jeannie70, I also want to comment on the "selfish" issue. I think it really is 'envy' that we can be less stressed and have more choices than they do. Of course, you can't say that to them and I don't want families with kids to feel bad about their situation (i do wish I could promote counciling for some to make better choices though). I have this tendency to want to do more "volunteer" work to prove that I'm not selfish. I have to temper that because, as good as volunteer work is, it should be a personal decision as to how we spend our time. Even my husband (two kids of his own) called me selfish once. That was hard, but I talked it out with him and I found out that he was also envious. He has said, more than once, that if he knew how much he loved dogs, he wouldn't have had kids. HE LOVES HIS KIDS THOUGH, but he was young and "it is what people do". MeganMNK