Hi,
I'm 53 and should know better but starting in December I went on a diet to lose weight and over 5 months lost maybe about 18-20 lbs I think it is. According to 'weight charts' I needed to lose that much and more to be 'healthy.' Of course, after 5 months I couldn't sustain the hunger and tiredness anymore (I'd stopped exercising pretty much and one of the reasons I did so was I didn't have the energy) and found myself eating like crazy. 4 months later I've regained the weight and if I can't manage to rein in myself I will end up weighing more than I did in December. When will I learn? Plus I have more fat now and less muscle. Something that I've experienced before and a phenomenon that I've read about so many times. And a problem for me with my chronic illness. I need to have muscle. As much as I'm able to work at building.
Actually I do think I've learned. At age 53 it finally hit me -- to eat food and see how it makes me feel. Does it taste good and does it give me the nutrients I need to make me feel nourished and replete? No more concentrating on counting calories. I have a lot more to concentrate on now when it comes to food. And to exercise because I enjoy it (that means I"m going to have to find an exercise I do enjoy -maybe I enjoy the pilates I've been doing - maybe it's just that I was doing it for the wrong resons and those reasons have been stopping me enjoying it).
But something else I also realized -- while standing in front of the miror semi-naked the other day while getting dressed. I realized my plumped out body looked a lot better than it did 18 lbs or so lighter. Yep, I'm carrying more fat but even at age 53 that fat makes me look rounder and softer, rather than having the excess skin hanging that I had when I'd lost that weight. It wasn't a lot of excess skin (I hadn't lost THAT much)but my body, my rounded belly and fuller breasts, look better now than when I was lighter. When I sat down when I was at my at the lighter weight there was always a pouch -- some of which was just empty skin which folded over on itself. Now, I'm back to having a 'full pouch' and the roundness of it is much more pleasing to the eye (although I have to invest in more comfortable (and imprortantly -- prettier) undies. Some of my underwear sits below my stomach and that's uncomfortable). I must admit I'm having problems with accepting my arms. They did look better when I weighed less but I'm hoping that I can see their beauty too in time. It's the same with my legs. And my chin. Somehow I have to learn to see that an extra chin is a thing of beauty (just like the old masters did). Not sure how to find beauty in having big calves but there must be a way.
Having 'dissected' my body though I wonder if I've done myself a favour? I'm not 'bits' of 'good' and 'bad' [i]body parts[/i]. I'm a whole. And I need to work towards feeling I'm a 'whole lotta good.'
Roundness and dimples on me look better than excess skin. So from today I'm going to try to remember to focus on foods, not as being 'good' or 'bad' for me, but rather how they make me feel. I'm going to observe that. I'm going to give some thought to exercise I think I'd enjoy. Plus come tomorrow I might just hit the shops and have a look at the fashions that will make the most of my rounded body rather than just buying something to 'cover me up' that looks neat and tidy or is serviceble. Time to concentrate on my feminity. This body deserves to be dressed beautifully. The whole of me is worth it. And that goes for sleepwear too. Now that I'm feeling happier with my body I might just go back to sleeping in lovely little short nighties with pretty undies (that's how I used to sleep in my 'thin' days).
My wallet isn't exactly full so I won't be buying much, it'll have to be a slow acquisition of beautiful clothes. But that's really a good thing as it gives me time to work out what clothes are right for me and what aren't.
I need to really keep my mind in this headspace. I"ve been giving a lot of thought to how I 'hate' my body. When in fact there is a lot about it I like, I've realized.
I do feel ridculous that at age 53 I'm still worrying about all this stuff. My mind is so much bigger than that. In all other areas of my life. It's open to difference and other. I enjoy that all things are not the same, I love diversity and originality. My body is an original. And as for diversity. No body is the same.
In this vein I'm thinking of looking for a uni that offers a post grad degree in women's studies and some of the study would have to involve the female form and its acceptance or non-acceptance in our society. Why is it that I feel better when I'm smaller and taking up less space. Don't I feel entitled to take up space. Why do I equate being feminine and pretty with being smaller?
I know that many years ago when My body went through puberty I was shocked at its betrayal. I felt embarrased by my growing roundess and felt like it was on show all the time and I hated feeling like this. I learned to hide it, as much as possible. I reacted to puberty by putting on a lot of weight. Ate to soothe my emotions. I felt betrayed by a body that was developing roundness and smells that I'd never had before. I mourned the loss of my pre puberty body shape. I went from being an active young girl who thought little about her body (other than what it could actively do) to someone all hunched over trying to cover up the new 'sticky out bits.' Then I started dieting (society had sent me the message that I was too fat and therefore unacceptable and i found that society liked a slim but big breasted woman. That's when I started to feel like I was 'sexy' (when my body aproximated that shape) but for all the wrong reasons. But genetically I'm not made to be thin with big breasts (no coincidence I think that I saw this as the ideal body shape. Barbie turned 50 this year. And I turned 53). And that stage of my life, of feeling acceptable because I fit into an acceptable body shape molded by society, didn't last long. And I just got to feel unaceptable (and there was a lot of shame involved as well) all the time when the weight returned as the weight was always going to.
This is long post and I could go on and on. my mind has been busy. for some reason the page is jumping around on me making it hard for me to type so there is, no doubt a lot of 'spelling' mistakes. Sorry about those.
smiles,
deb
