BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Tried to find a compromise...but unsuccessfully

If I were you I would file for a divorce and speak to an attorney. It 's clear that your husband only cares about himself and not you. He is the one who is being selfish. Don't have kids if your heart is not in it to have them. You will only resent the child later on.

I'm 36 and single and I always knew that I didn't want to have children. Don't let people bully you into having a child. Be strong.

I rather be single and happy then married with children and miserable.

Lotte,
Wow, I'm really sorry for the situation you're in, and I'm really concerned for you. Your husband is asking you to make a huge sacrifice just by asking you to have a baby when he knows how much you don't want to - and then to top it off, he also wants you to sacrifice your career? I don't see any concern here for your "well-being." Again, I don't see any concern for your well-being!!

On the other hand, I think it's understandable for a parent to not want the other parent (or even just spouse) gone 1/3rd of the year - that's a lot, but at the same time, he needs to understand how important this is to you. I think "he's" the one being selfish here.

You sound like a very capable, strong woman who could easily be on her own. I'm sorry, but I don't think your husband deserves you. To have a child with someone who treats you like a second class citizen (sorry if that sounds harsh) would be a huge mistake I think. I would get back on birth control ASAP.

You sound like a loving and giving person. deserve someone who cares about you, appreciates you, and someone you're compatible with. He doesn't sound like a soulmate to me. Again, I'm really sorry for your situation, and I wish you the best, but please be careful and don't compromise your well-being.

hi Lotte, I want to first start by saying I also feel like my head would be on the chopping block if I was ever pregnant. I would feel like there would be a count down till my life was over. this doesn't make any woman bad or weird. you can still be an awesome woman and not have/want kids. sounds like you and your hubby have some problems. he sounds a bit selfish. and his friends influence is definately not helping anything. in fact, they sound incredibly annoying. they should mind their own business. gah! I hate that most people have no idea how rude it is to ask those questions. is he under the impression you want kids? would he leave you if he knew the truth? sorry, but if he would then he may not be the man for you. it is your body and dont let anyone bully you or nag you into putting anything you wont want in it. coming out and telling the world I didn't want kids was hard. I received alot of negative feedback. (I married a man who isn't into kids at all so I lucked out there) but even though coming out was hard, it felt like such a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I really felt like I could breath easier. you do need to tell him. you need to do it for you and for him and then you two will have to decide what to do from there. if he sees you as something that makes babies instead of a loving partner, he never deserved you in the first place. and a woman should not have to give up her career to take care of a kid. that old stereotype of the woman staying home to take care of the kids is outdated. us gals get stuck with alot of double standards. if you love what you do and you love making your own paycheck - keep on doing it. just remember you are not alone. it is estimated that 1 out of 10 women feel the same as you, me and all the others posting here.

A part of me cannot believe what I just read and another part of me is full of rage...



That's just outrageous. I cannot believe your own husband would speak down to out that way. A man who should be nothing but loving, supportive and helpful and he's being inconsiderate, selfish and treating you as if you're worth less than nothing all because you won't give into his demands to ruin your life??? God, that is just beyond my understanding.

Honestly, I completely understand how saddening and difficult this all must be for you right now. Separation/Divorce is never easy and can be quite an emotionally painful and exhausting process to go through. But you need a man who is going to love and stand by you no matter what. One who is going to defend you to all of his jackass friends and family members.

I can relate somewhat to how painful that feels since my husband has taken his family's side over mine from time to time. After explanation (and sometimes an argument), he then understands he was wrong and asks for forgiveness. I still worry that one day he will side with them again and I won't be able to forgive him. But you know if that were ever to happen again, I swear it would be all be over in a heartbeat. I won't tolerate it again, I tell you that much. If he can't grow a pair of balls and be a real man, then I don't need him.

I applaud you for being a great example of a courageous woman. You are my hero! And I wish more women could have the guts to stand by their decisions. Good for you.

I wish you all the best Lotte. I'm sorry you have to work through all these struggles but you will get by. Many blessings <3

Lotte, from this and your other posts about the horrible things your husband has said to you, I honestly think you'd be better off without him. He sounds controlling and I can't help but think that his desire to have children (whom he doesn't seem to be particularly keen to look after) is more about putting YOU in your place than lovingly bringing up the next generation.

It's your body that would carry the child. It's your health at risk during the pregnancy. It's your life at stake if there are complications during the birth.

He doesn't have a sell-by date on his sperm, so don't feel guilty about depriving him of 7 years. He's coercing you into losing the rest of your life, because that's what motherhood feels like for you.

I think it is only fair to tell him: No kids - ever. And he can do with that information what he will. I'm sorry to sound hard here, but I am really concerned with your situation and how this man is treating you. We're not in the dark ages anymore, and you have a complete and inalienable right to decide if and when you become a mother. You didn't give up the right to your own body when you married this man.

Hugs and support from Munich, Germany!

Lotte, I am going to roughly quote Suze Orman (who I think is one smart cookie) she has said it is EASY to love someone. but love is not always enough. you have to LIKE the person as well. People can love someone and yet hate their guts at the same time. I know you love you husband, but do you LIKE him? I am not trying to be rude, but I am just going to lay it out. from what I have heard about your relationship, Its his world and he has allowed you to hang out in it. he seems to say &quot;me me me me me me&quot; and that is not a healthy relationship for you. you deserve support and encouragement and always RESPECT. I have a serious issue with anyone trying to bully someone into having a baby cause my 5 sister in laws used to gang up on me cause I wasn't on the baby train. it really hurts!(I actually only talk to 1 now as a result of that...but that is another story) you did not deceive him! you did not know before marrying him that you planned on traveling with your work. deceit is when you knowingly hide something from another. you found something and you liked it...so keep on rocking with it. people can change over the years. my parents divorced after 20 years of marriage. they simply took different roads. it is not years wasted if you enjoyed the time up till that point. and no ones life ever goes completely according to plan! also,saying &quot;no kids for me&quot; is very hard to do. we know the reaction we will get, that is why we hide it. and many women dont know if they will change their minds and have a baby years down the road. you tried to talk yourself into it but it didn't work. if he treats you like a stock that crashed cause he didn't get the profit he wanted, then he never deserved you in the first place. hell, even if you said &quot;okay we'll have kids&quot; and then changed your mind...that is your right to do so. people are allowed to change their minds. I know this is hard and I dont want to hurt you. if it was me I would want someone to give me the cold hard truth. so here it is. I dont think he treats you well. I dont think he cares about you, he just cares about himself and what he wants. I think he is verbally abusing you and trying to use guilt to bend you to his will.(that you have not given up and given in, tells me you got a strong and smart mind) if having kids is more important than having you, it is time to send him packing. Lotte, my dear, it is in your best interest to see an attorney and file for divorce.

Lotte, Your posts have made me very sad and angry for you. When you first posted, it sounded an awful lot to me like your husband wanted children, yet expected you to give up the job you love and make most of the sacrifices involved. Sure, from his end, that sounds like a lovely arrangement. Then you tried to compromise with him and those suspicions were very much confirmed. And he's calling *you* selfish? Sheesh. And don't get me started on what I think of what his friends are saying--ridiculous. Furthermore, it really irritates me to no end when people try to use the argument with me of what other people think, or what their friends think, or what so and so thinks, in order to influence me, so I find it especially infuriating when he's trying to push you into a life-altering decision based on other people's opinions, when the only opinions that should really matter here are his and yours. I can only imagine how heartbreaking this must be for you, but this is my honest opinion: I don't think there is any way of winning in this situation if you stay with your husband. Even in the case that you give in entirely to what it appears your husband is demanding, it proabably won't satisfy him. You will not only be unhappy, but I see the possibility of things getting worse down the line with him doing less and less and asking for even more, then guilt tripping you and telling you you're &quot;selfish&quot; when you express a need of your own. I don't know your marriage and I also left a verbally abusive marriage, so maybe I'm injecting too many of my own personal experiences in here, but this is what his actions are starting to look like to me- verbal abuse. I'm with the others who say it may be time to see an attorney. I admire your courage and strength, knowing your mind and standing your ground. My heart goes out to you.

Lotte,
I agree with others who say your husband sounds verbally abusive, and I also think you've gotten a lot of great advice so far. Below I have copied and pasted a few points from an article on verbal abuse that I hope might help. Again, I'm really sorry for the situation you are in. Please don't allow anyone to mistreat you - you are worth more than that.

VERBAL ABUSE: HOW TO SAVE YOURSELF
Seven Signs You're In A Verbally Abusive Relationship

A checklist from the book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans:

1. He seems irritated or angry with you several times a week. When you ask why he's mad, he either denies it or tells you it's in some way your fault.

2. When you feel hurt and try to talk with him, the issues never get resolved. He might refuse to discuss your upset feelings by saying "You're just trying to start an argument!" or claiming he has no idea what you're talking about.

3. You frequently feel frustrated because you can't get him to understand your intentions.

4. You're upset�not so much about concrete issues like how much time to spend together, but about communication: what he thinks you said and what you heard him say.

5. You sometimes think, "What's wrong with me? I shouldn't feel so bad."

6. He seems to take the opposite view from you on almost everything, and his opinion isn't stated as "I think," but as if you're wrong and he's right.

7. You can't recall saying "Cut it out!" or "Stop it!"


VERBAL ABUSE: HOW TO SAVE YOURSELF

How can his voice drown out your inner knowing? Patricia Evans explains.

The abuse only happens when you're alone with him. Friends and coworkers might think he's a prince, so you doubt your own perceptions or believe his anger must be your fault.

Verbal abuse escalates gradually; you adapt. (The abuse might also become physical.) He's Jekyll and Hyde, with just enough sweet times to keep you hoping the relationship will improve.

Assuming he's rational (aren't all men?) and wants what you want (loving mutuality), you strain to make sense of what he says. But it's nonsense, designed to confuse you. The shocking truth is, he seeks control, not intimacy.

Yet you can save your spirit. Evans maps out the steps to emotional rescue:

Recognize that the abuse has nothing to do with you or your actions or qualities.

Stop trying to explain and defend yourself. Instead, start setting limits: "Cut that out!" or "I don't want to hear that."

Listen carefully to your feelings. Believe them, not him.

Get support from a counselor or therapist. Make sure she understands that this isn't just a "conflict" or an "argument."

Keep in mind that an abuser might be able to change himself if he really wants to�but you can't change him. You can honor and nurture yourself.

Adapted from The Verbally Abusive Relationship � 1992, 1996 by Patricia Evans. Printed with permission from Adams Media.