BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Body Image losing a lot of weight didn't help

Since having my children I gained a lot of weight! I hated myself and the way I looked. I always felt like people were staring at me, judging me because of my size and quite frankly thought my husband didn't want to make love to me because I was too fat! So, two years ago I went and had gastric bypass surgery! I lost over a hundred pounds. I feel better about the way that I look but emotionally nothing has changed. My husband and I still do not have much of a sexual relationship ( on his part) not mine. I want to...he doesn't! I still have my depression issues that I thought would magically go away when the weight was gone! I now have realized that the weight wasn't the issue!That I put more on the body image of what society says we should look like and was niaeve to think that changing my body would change everything else in my life for the better! Because sadly it didn't!

You have learnt something that we should all know. How we look, what we weigh has nothing to do with what is happening in our lives. I'm sorry that you went through all that and didn't get the result that you wanted with your relationship or your depression. However you have now seen you can put your mind to things and change yourself, so now to find out what the real reasons for your depression are and tackle those.

Firstly, congratulations on your weightloss! That is a huge accomplishment and something you should be proud of.

The thing is, that if we always put a condition on what will give us happiness ( I will be happy when I lose 10 pounds, get a better job, kids grow up etc. etc.) we are never satisfied when those external conditions are met.

I agree with Sindri, tackle the depression issues and take one day at a time.

Wow Tamara

Thanks for having the courage to post that. I think so many people are looking to improve the way they feel by changing their bodies and then like you they reach their goal and they still struggle to feel happy.

I have so many clients who have been through what you just went through and it's hard for them. They work so hard to lose 40 pounds 70 pounds even 20 pounds and even though they are excited about losing the weight they are still unhappy with their lives.

There's a simple mental exercises a life coach taught me that can help with that. All you have to do is script your day on paper. Write down exactly what you would want your ideal day to be like from the minute you get up until the minute you go to sleep. Include everything and be as descriptive as possible.

It's a powerful exercise that uncovers what will truly make you happy.

My self esteem was always tied to making a six figure income as a trainer and I felt tons of pressure to work a lot and have a really toned body but when I did this exercise I realized that all I really wanted was to provide a secure peaceful life for me and my son. This allowed me to stop focusing on the wrong things.

It turn out that a happy secure life for me and my son doesn't require having a six pack or making $100,000 a year but I never would have known that if I had not done this exercise. I have felt much better ever since and accomplished way more too.

Sometimes what makes us happy is right in front of us but we're too distracted to see it. I hope this helps you find what makes you happy.

Hi Tamara,

I hope you are still checking in from time to time and can read what all these great ladies have to say.

This community has always been so good TO and FOR me. BellaOnline has been my sanity rope many-a-time.

I also had gastric bypass, mine was back in January of 2006. I haven't quite lost all of my weight. I did good, fell off and hit a plateau, now am back on and doing well again.

One thing that my doc did differently from what I've read of most docs is he made all of us candidates go through an extremely rigorous psychological exam before we could be approved for the surgery. I know all insurance companies require a psych exam, but most do not require one this in-dpeth. It took 6 hours to finish and included a one-on-one with the psychologist who is one of the best disgnosticians in Atlanta.

I did NOT pass the psych eval the first time I took it. We found out that I was suffering from severe Depression and PTSD and that food and binge eating were my comfort, my "fix" much the same as an alcoholic or drug addict. If I had gone through the surgery then as I was - I would have been; at best - a failure at the surgery, it would have done nothing/ at worst; a real danger to myself, possibly bursting the seams of the incision if I binged right after surery.

It was recommended that I see a psychiatrist for 6 months and then come back and reeavaluate. I did, and was approved.

However I am still seeing m psychiatrist and therapist. My Depression is a very real thing that I am going to need help with the rest of my life. We are actually considering the fact that it might be BiPolar instead of Clinical Depression at this point.

I might have assumed, like you, that the Depression I felt would have gone away when I lost the weight if I had not been in counseling and found out that the Depression is a disorder of the mind unto itself - separate and distinct from the obesity.

Well, mostly separate. My being overweight is more a symptom of the Depression, not the other way around (which is what society tries to make us think).

I would love to reccomend to you a support group called "Emotions Anonymous". It is based on the same 12 step program as Alcoholics Anonymous, but it focuses on taking charge of yourself and your emotions instead of a specific addiction.

I have found out that almost all addcitions have Depression as their root cause. The addiction is just the coping mechanism that gets out of hand: alcohol, drugs, sex, eating, gambling. So the Depression comes first the weight comes second. So even if you "fix" the weight, you've still got the cause hanging around.

I hope at least some of this makes sense. I feel like I've walked in your shoes, and I would love to help you out of the pain that you are in - because you don't have to stay in it.

I agree with Michelle completely. Many people turn to food as a "fix" when they are feeling low. Food won't say no! Food will always go into your stomach and make you feel better! It is very hard to break that addiction, to find other ways of coping with your emotions.

Hi Tamara,

Congratulations to your weightloss! You done a great job. I have ever tried every possible ways to loss weight, but my weight is ever-increasing.
Here i just wanted to say thank you. You and all the ladies here are great.

First I will congratulate for the weight-loss.But losing weight is the solution to all the problems.

Tamara, we live in a society that is constantly telling us that all these incredibly wonderful things will happen...."if we just lose weight". It's just not so. A person's attractiveness is on the inside - what's on the outside is more of an indication of their health. Losing the weight was a smart idea, because it can literally save your life. But, it's not the magic answer to happiness.

You've been given some great suggestions here and I'd like to add mine. Whatever happens, don't let yourself gain the weight back. It can happen, even with the bypass surgery, and losing that amount is so beneficial to you even though you may be worried about other issues. Putting the stress and strain back on your body will not help!

The good news is that you've reached that point of seeing for yourself just how the outer appearance is only part of your life - not all of it by any means!
But remember you've given yourself the gift of improved health, not just for today, but for the future as well.

What I would do is seek out professional help for myself and for my marriage. I've been married almost 23 years and I know how important keeping that relationship happy can be. There are options for you, such as your church, non-profit groups that offer counseling, and you can also discuss this with your doctor. The surgeon who did the bypass should have information for you on this subject.

I've talked to women who have been in your shoes, and you are definitely not the first to say just what you've said here. Stay focused on your health, and take steps to improve all aspects of your life every day. You've had the guts to do something that would terrify many people - so remember if you ever think you can't get through this!

Peace, joy and health to you!

Nancy
BellaOnline Yoga Editor
CEO, Nutrabeautiful, Inc.

I have totally rethought my weight loss efforts and believe it or not, it is working. Because I have no idea how much I weigh (got rid of the scales about 6 months ago), I can say that my barometer clothes are getting looser and some are ready for the Salvation Army box.

What has worked for me is this: eat only when hungry, eat only good food (no junk, no additives or preservatives), quit eating when full, limit sweets and fats and do yoga everyday.

As I am getting older, I am resisting most RULES. They are not for me and the few I have made (above) are what works for me. Also, I am not obsessed with my weight anymore. I even cheat on special occasions and even when I just feel like it, and can do so without guilt.

When I figure the amount of money I paid for weight loss methods that didn't work, I get upset. The weight loss industry (including bariatric surgery) is ripping off the public and laughing all the way to the bank.

Sorry for being so cynical, but a reality check worked for me. Maybe it will for all of you, also. I hate to see so much weight related suffering going on unnecessarily.