BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage lack of trust

For many years our intimacy has gone down hill, and I am lucky if my husband and I make love 3 to 4 times a year. About 2 years ago, I suspected something was really wrong with our marriage. I started snooping on our computer and found he had joined an online thing to meet people and wrote "Just seeing what's out there" Then I found out he added an ex girlfriend to his facebook. She wrote to him, telling him that she didn't live far from us and how she still ears the ring he gave her 20 years ago and how she has never taken it off. Last week the unthinkable happened...out of the blue a young girl contacts my husband and asks him if he is her father! He says that he is not her father but that he admits to dating her mother. He says she was 6 months old when he starting dating her mother.I find it hard to believe him at this point. When the computer thing happened he told me it wasn't him, that someone was setting him up! But they used his teenage nickname and SIN number as the password! He must think I am pretty stupid. I can't talk to him anymore about things that are bothering me because usually he gets mad and walks out..when he comes back he still won't talk to me about it. we have been married now for 16 years, I love him with all my heart but there is resentment, lack of faith and trust stemmed from situations and I don't know how to get past it. I think on my part, I have always been quiet and haven't said much in fear of rejection but as I am getting older I'm not sure how much more I can take. getting help from a therapist is out because he won't go. He says they cause more problems! I feel like there is something wrong with me, like he's not attracted to me or something. I blame myself for my sexless marriage! I also blame myself for not saying much all these years when things bothered me..but honestly everytime I tried the door would be slammed in my face! I'm scared..and I feel alone!

Tamara, I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. Maybe just seeing a therapist would help with your issues. I am seeing one now and it really makes me feel better. Not for marriage issues but for the loss of a son recently and I have lots of problems with depression. She is very nice and always has suggestions that have helped. You need to decide what is best for you. If you can't move past these feelings I fear you will just get worse. I always tell my kids that life is too short to be miserable. It is true! If you need to talk to someone you can pm me or chat here. Welcome to Bella

You are in a terrible situation. I am sorry to hear that. I don't know more than what you describe here, but I am confident the sexless marriage is not your fault. You have tried to make the marriage work. Your husband does not try. You should perhaps talk to your friends in honest manner and see what you can do about this situation.

Sounds like there are more underlying issues here than your husband will admit to. My suggestion is to get into therapy on your own if he doesn't want to attend.