BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids On the fence? Or denial?

I'm 32. When I met my man, he already had 2 kids, a vasectomy and no intentions of ever reversing it. He is their primary caregiver. I always told him that I was undecided, although leaning toward the childfree option. Most of the time, it is still true. But it often creeps up on me. I find myself seriously contemplating single motherhood reading about sperm donors etc. Then, it goes away and I'm convinced that I don't want any! I'm exhausted and lost. I can't really talk about it yet because I don't know what it means myself. So I can either keep the man (the best relationship of my life) or set him free for a baby that I don't even know. We are planning on building a house, another level of commitment, and I know for sure that I want to be with him. But I feel that, by moving forward, I am inevitably giving up my decision to be or not be a mother. I wish I knew how it felt to be sure about wanting or not wanting, the yes or no, the urge or desire. How can one suppose to sort through this?

It's easier said than done, but you really have to talk to him about this BEFORE you build a home together. That's a huge step, like you said, and he needs to know what's going on in your mind and heart. If he's planning a future with you in his own mind, he needs to know RIGHT NOW there's a chance you might not be in it if you decide you want to be a mother. There's lots of other things people might tell you, and I wish you luck with whatever you decide, but you've got to keep the communication open with him because the decision effects you both. Good luck, girl. Let us know how it goes.

Apple's right. These are things that should be discussed with your husband.

I think you need to decide once and for all whether having children is right for you. And not because you think you'll regret it, or because people are influencing you to do it but because you truly have a burning desire to be a mother.

You need to do some soul searching. Your life sounds pretty darn good as is, are you willing to risk that to chance having a baby you probably don't really want?

I went through the unsure stage for four years. And you know what I realized? I was lonely. Not only lonely but I felt as though there was something wrong with me for not wanting children. I wanted to correct that but thank goodness I realized how silly I was being. And came to the conclusion that loneliness is not a reason to bring a child into the world and there was nothing wrong with me. I have my own desires and needs, and for me, a baby was not one of them.

I'm sorry if this sounds offensive but I have a huge problem with the whole sperm donation/single mother thing. I find it to be a very selfish act to deny a child a father. It's bad enough so many kids end up with broken homes, why would you purposely put an innocent life through that? It's a painful thing not knowing who your dad is.
I watched a special on that and these kids grew up tormented. Years later, looking for their biological dads. Some men had tons of kids just roaming around earth. The whole thing really disturbed and angered me.

Please think very carefully of that decision and think of what your child's future would be like. No one wants to be denied their biological mom or dad. It leaves a hole in their heart.

In any case, I hope your decision is made wisely and I wish you and your husband nothing but the best no matter what you decide. Best of luck to you.

I agree with Jellyroll 100%, however harsh this might sound, willocean, you're not thinking of the most important person here; the child that would be conceived. It sounds to me that you have a pretty good life, plenty of stability and lots of great things to look forward to and be thankful for. I reiterate a point I've made before: A child should only be born into a relationship where they are wanted TOTALLY BY BOTH parents. I wasn't wanted by my father and I could tell you stories about my childhood that would make your hair curl, it took a lot of getting over although my childhood isn't the reason I don't want kids. It probably did teach me a lot more about being independant, analytical and understanding how to make the right decisions based on thought, not emotion. That sperm banks allow single women to conceive alone is a travesty in my opinion. Sperm banks should be for couples who can't have kids because the man is infertile and because they both desperately want kids, not for single women who decide that they need a baby NOW for whatever reason. I'm sure some people will disagree with this point, they're welcome to, as I said, this is my opinion and only mine. Not that I'd want to but I'd be interested if an adoption service would give a single, unemployed man a child to care for, I've strong suspicions that they wouldn't, at least not here in the UK. It smacks of double standards when sperm banks will and do give single women the opportunity to conceive a child. Why aren't there 'Ovum Banks' or 'surrogacy centres' for all of those men who desperately want kids but can't establish a stable relationship first, I wonder? Pete

Hi willocean, I very much agree with the others. You will need to talk about this with your hubby. Tell him how you feel. I understand that is hard as he always has been firm on the subject. But a good relationship needs communication, even if the topic is hard and opinions are varied. Also, as long as you doubt, I would not start planning for a kid. It is a huge thing, a huge responsibility and even more so if you think of becoming a single mom. Hi Jellyroll, I just saw something you put in your answer. You wrote: "I went through the unsure stage for four years. And you know what I realized? I was lonely. Not only lonely but I felt as though there was something wrong with me for not wanting children. I wanted to correct that but thank goodness I realized how silly I was being. And came to the conclusion that loneliness is not a reason to bring a child into the world and there was nothing wrong with me. I have my own desires and needs, and for me, a baby was not one of them." I am in the unsure stage. Though I must say I am mostly hanging towards the no kids. It is just the tiny doubt of "is there something wrong with me?" and "Will I grown old all lonely?" and such questions. I was wondering if there were any things that helped you during that phase? And what made you come to a final desicion? It would be hugely helpful to hear about that!! Faeryqueen

I love that fact that, all of a sudden, some of your answers made me feel like I wasn't the only one in this "unsure" period. It feels overwhelming, like it's the only thing I've been doing lately, trying to listen to my heart, my head, my gut feeling... I totally agree with Jellyroll in regards to the loneliness, I had the same questions and concerns. Yet, I still feel like something is missing, like an information, concept or fact (or anything) that I am not getting. Fearyqueen had an excellent question: "...and what made you come to a final decision?"

willocean,
To me, no relationship could be more special, or more satisfying, than a strong, healthy marriage. Yes, most people deeply love their family, but isn't a romantic relationship the ultimate in relationships? I just don't think anything else can come close. To sacrifice that kind of relationship, especially a good one, for a child that you may never feel very close to, (which is sadly so common among parents and kids) seems like a big gamble.

Also, you've managed to find a great guy that doesn't want kids - those are also hard to come by.

If it were me (and I've questioned my childfree choice before as well), I think I'd chose to embrace his children and to think of them as my own. Seems to me that you already have a beautiful family and a beautiful life. Good luck.