BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids No comfort level with children

I've been on this earth for almost 30 years, and I have had very little exposure to children all this time, particularly since I am one of the youngest in both families. I think that this lack thereof plays a huge part in my decision to not have children. I don't have a solid comfort level with children at all, but all of my parenting friends claim that you're not really an adult until you reach out to mentor children in some way, even if you're not a parent. Do any of you believe this to be true? If so, how do CF people build that comfort level with children when the opportunities don't come directly to you? Really worry about this a lot.

I'm sorry but I personally think that's a load of bull. And this coming from a person who has a good rapport with children, grew up babysitting all the kids int he family and still to this day, does everything with kids. I really do love kids and I'm very comfortable with them.

My sister in law is a substitute teacher and she is the youngest in her family She hasn't any experience with children and she became a teacher anyway. She loves babies and small kids. She's very comfortable around them even though she hasn't had as much experience as I have.

I think it just depends on the person. You are who you are and not everyone is comfortable with everything. Some people for whatever reason aren't comfortable around certain types of people, animals, insects, etc, etc. If you don't like this, you don't have any, it doesn't matter in the end.

Being comfortable around kids doesn't make you an adult. Being able to take care of yourself and your level of maturity is what separates an adult from a child. Your friends are just trying to convince you otherwise. Besides, what the hell does it matter to them?

I'm fine around children, in fact, when I recently explained to my sister's friends (all mothers) that I didn't want children they were all really shocked, they all said "but you're so good with children, you're a natural", some of their kids have asked me to be their honourary uncle and I feel priviledged by this. Being an uncle is fun, it's fun because it's not full time. One of the biggest problems in my last relationship was that I was good with kids, whenever my partner saw me with kids she assumed that I was supressing some secret desire to have them when nothing could be further from the truth, I like children but I particularly like giving them back to their parents when the day is done and getting on with my life! It got to the stage where I was afraid to so much as talk to a child with her around because she'd read too much into it and think I was softening to the idea, it was something of a problem because most of her friends had started having kids and they seemed to be everywhere!

What makes a person an adult? I would say being a responsible person able to care for themselves. Being emotionally stable helps too. And being able to look at yourself as well. I do not see how this should involve being comfortable with children or not. If you are not comfortable with them, you are not. Please do not let other people's opinions and judgments make you judge yourself and become insecure. We all have our own paths to find and walk. I am still struggling with mine. But I do know one thing for sure, only I can find my true way. Nobody else can.. As we are all unique and all need to find our own way in life. Good luck with this!

beth_m,

Maybe what your friends mean is that you're not fully an adult until you reach out to, sacrifice for, and help "others." I don't see why reaching out to "children" should be singled out here.

Some people have personalities for children and others don't, but this doesn't mean that these people can't still sacrifice and give to others. Contributing to society isn't just about helping children - it's about helping "anyone" or any "thing" that you believe in.

We all have our strengths, and part of being an adult is in "recognizing" our strengths, embracing those, and in helping where we, personally, can do the most good. Whether this includes children or not is irrelevant.

--One more thing. I love kids and have had lots of exposure to them, but I'm not comfortable around "all" kids. Some kids I find super easy to be around but others I find harder to interact with. Kids are people with their own personalities. Some you'll click with and others you won't.

I think your friends just want you to join and share with them in being parents (misery loves company right? haha - just kidding!)... maybe they're just in denial about the whole parenthood thing are twisting up reasons in their own minds for others to have children? Maybe they're grasping at straws?

DifferentKindofGirl, you quoted "Maybe what your friends mean is that you're not fully an adult until you reach out to, sacrifice for, and help 'others.'" I've thought about it, and I think this is the root of my problems, that is, the "reaching out" part. For my entire life, I have never been good with what you would call "hands-on" love -- hugging, consoling, being playful, etc. For those that watch King of the Hill, I am definitely a Hank Hill. I have a hard time in situations where it's appropriate to express that hands-on love. It's not that I have problems from childhood, or that I am hateful or dislike people. I care for others "from a distance" a lot of the time. I tend to express myself through writing better than with people face to face. I'm pretty sure that's why I have never developed relationships with children, since they do require a large amount of hugging and nurturing.

I know I got off on a bit of a tangent, but I feel like I needed to let some of this out. I feel like maybe my CF buddies would understand better than anyone. A lot of women don't understand me because of my introverted personality, and I often feel put out in social settings because of my general disposition. Maybe there's a few of you that feel like me, or I'm just a total weirdo!

There's nothing wrong with how you are Beth. My husband is the same way. He's only loving with me though. I think I brought him out of his shell and he's fully comfortable being affectionate with me. But he's an introvert through and through while I on the other hand am the complete opposite. But that's just how some people are.

I don't think giving to charity, helping others or "reaching out" makes you an adult either. I've seen people who do this and live their lives like children. I don't see where that makes one an "adult".

Whether you agree with this or not, it doesn't matter. Whether you choose to live an "adult" life according to what you see fit, doesn't matter to anyone but you. I say self improvement in any way can only better you but that's if you choose it. And this means different things to different people.

If you're happy with who you are, happy with your life, then who cares? I wouldn't bother listening to those who are trying to convince me how I should live my own life. How you live will never satisfy them. It's not their life anyway. So as I said before, in the end, it doesn't matter. Be who you are, and stay true to that.

beth_m,

I agree with JellyRoll in that reaching out/helping others doesn't automatically make one an adult. However, I "do" think helping those in need, if we are able, is the responsible, giving, adult thing to do. There are "many" different ways to give. No one way is right for everyone.

I "totally" understand where you are coming from with not wanting to get involved in all the social stuff. I'm an introvert as well, so I totally feel the same way. I'm a very loving and warm person, but I mostly give in ways other than face to face contact, because I just don't do well with a lot of social/group interaction, as I can tire easily from it. I'm great with strangers though in small doses, so I try to make people smile when I get out. haha

I mostly give of my time and money - but not face to face. I would like to do more face to face interaction, but for now, I at least feel good that I'm doing "something" to contribute to the well-being of others. I'm living a life of privilege (most Americans are), and I wouldn't feel right if I wasn't giving back in some way. Even just posting on a message board is a way to reach out - you can reach and help a lot of people that way.

You say that you express yourself better though writing. There's nothing wrong with that, and it's great that you realize your talent for that. Use it and embrace it.

We can't all be Mother Theresa's, and I don't believe in helping others if it means hurting yourself. We must help in ways we feel comfortable with. Being around children seems to have a negative effect on you in that it makes you uncomfortable. Find a way to give that you enjoy.

Anyway, it sounds to me that you are a very kind a consciousness person who cares about others. I wish there were more people like you. We all have our different strengths, and it does no good to compare ourselves to others. All we can do is our "individual" best. Just focus on being the best "you" and also focus on what you like about yourself. What makes you unique and special? It sounds to me like you have more than enough to give - and it doesn't have to be given in the ways others expect.

I do the same Differentkindofgirl. I usually give money to charities. I'm more of a homebody and a bit anti-social so going out and volunteering isn't the easiest for me. Although I have done it in the past.

I think giving to others is more about self improvement than anything else. It helps make you feel good about yourself, knowing you're giving something of value to others who need it. I don't think there's anything more rewarding.

That doesn't necessarily mean giving to children. You can give your time to animals, the elderly, etc. I don't know why your friends are saying that only giving your time to children counts as you being an adult. That's simply ridiculous.

Do what you believe is best for you though

Jellyroll,
I second everything you said!! I like how you commented that you're a bit anti-social (me too) and that volunteering isn't the easiest thing for you... this is exactly why we shouldn't compare ourselves to others. For some, volunteering is very easy, because many people are fed by social activity. However, we're not all like this, as Jellyroll and I have pointed out, and we shouldn't all be expected to volunteer/give in the same way. Don't allow yourself to feel judged by others, especially if they're judging you on things that are "naturally easy" for them but "naturally hard" for you. You know yourself. You're your own judge.