BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Money and Step Parenting

Hi, This is my first post here. I have been reading these posts and I relate to 90% of what people are going through! I have been married 7 years and I have a 6 year old son and a 22 year old step daughter (my husbands daugher from his previous marriage) My husband is 14 years my senior and we had children late in life - our 6 year old was born when I was 40 and my husband was 54! My son seems happy and well adjusted and I have very sound values about working and money. My step daughter now works in my husbands medical office for the summer and all of the employees complain about her. They say that the step daughter is lazy, rude and has a very bad attitude. She recently graduated from college and my husband has noticed her bad behavior but he will NOT speak to her about it. He told me that he would have fired any other person acting in the same manner but I am NOT allowed to even mention her behavior. Further, she got into a very good graduate school for Nutrition and she refuses to get a place to live to go to school in September. She wants to follow her boyfriend across Canada to "hang out". Her 24 year old boyfriend does not have a job! She lives with her mother - thank GOD - but she is at our house all of the time. My husband has given her a credit card and I have checked what she spends and it is outrageous - nearly $1000 per month of dinners out, gas, groceries, clothing. She still receives $1500 of "child support" per month, in addition to FREE rent at her mothers, a credit card and money from working!!? My husband tells me he is only giving her the child support because she is going to Grad School this Fall, even though he realizes that she will NOT commit to it. I tried to advise him to cut off the "child support" (please note she is NO LONGER IN SCHOOL and AGE 22 and there is no legal obligation), but he said that he will not do it since she is going to school in the Fall despite the fact that she has a rage attack any time anyone mentions grad school!? In addition, I tried to bring up the credit card situation and he gets defensive and angry. It is true that he is not taking money from our pockets and he is extremely generous with my son and myself, HOWEVER, he is in severe debt and he is 60 years old! he makes very good money and hired a manager to "help" but I know that he is a compulsive spender (another topic) and he is teaching his daughter to do the same - to live well beyond her means. The daughter is entitled and demanding and basically is out of touch with reality. NO ONE is telling her the Truth. On some level I feel sorry for her and want to say something but they are both in denial. My friends say that this $1500 ++ per month is FAMILY money and i have a right to put my foot down about these GUILT payments. Every time I bring it up he gets angry. Is our situation different because of the extreme debt? Don't worry I have spoken to lawyers about this debt and tried to "creditor proof" myself. Again, another topic. I HATE living like this but my husband also has some amazing qualities such as he cooks dinner for us almost every night and he actually CLEANS up without asking for help. he works very hard and is very supportive of me and our child. he is a doctor and very good at his work. He is home every night at 6pm and likes to spend time with us. I know he has an addiction to spending/hoarding and so does his daughter but they will not get any help. I do get scared sometimes but I have insisted on paying off our home and having it in MY name only, having a bank account in MY name only and having life insurance. I have not signed any of his credit cards. he has agreed to all 3 things, thank God. It is still very scary as he has so much debt. The other "good" news is that I do have a career but have taken a break to raise my child. So the question is this: Should I say anything to the step daughter about her possible new career? Should I say anything further about her credit card bills which exceed $1000 per month (in addition to child support, wages and free rent!??) is there any way to get through to these infantile people? Any advice? THANKS! SSprial

I wish I could be more uplifting, but I think these guilt payments will go on and on. My husband and I are arguing about his 27 year old daughter and her constant wants. Whilst he is not giving her money as there is none to give, he fights with me because he really wants to just give her everything she asks for. Again, her behaviour is shockingly greedy, and he does nothing to bring her into line. Her fiance is paying the mortgage on the home they are building in spite of the fact she could salary sacrifice the mortgate payments and save them both thousands, she feels a superior sense of entitlement and thinks the fiance should pay it while her salary is her salary. My hushand and I never worked this way, everything went into the one account and both wages paid for everything, yet he allows his daughter to use this young man up and take advantage of his good nature. I have told him this young man is not going to put up with this and will leave his daughter if she continues this way, just like he (my husband) left his former wife for the exact same reasons, she took and never gave and he left when she ran him into the ground, yet he refuses to say anything to her. Her rudness, selfishness and self centeredness is appalling, and he would never take it from anyone myself included, yet form the daughter, he takes anything, it is as if he is scared of her. I think what your husband is doing is certainly not in the family interest, and really not in his daughter's inerest either. Can you ask him what will happen when your son is older, can he sustain giving his daughter the same large amounts of money and credit card allowance, whilst giving your son the same amounts. Don't know if you can make someone like his look that far into the future, but maybe you could try. I am so very sorry for your anxiety and frustration, which I am sure all of us on this site share. Maybe we can't fix our problems here, but it feels really good to share.

hi lassie thanks for the reply! it does feel good that others are going through the same thing although it is still very frustrating. I am thinking of posting about "GUILT PAYMENTS" and see if anyone has found an answer to this aside from LEAVING the relationship. You are correct that this will probably go on and on. My step dau and yours are probably alike- entitled NARCISSISTS. She will probably do this to her future husband and take and take. The relationship will not work out. Young men these days rarely take this situation for long - women are expected to WORK and to contribute. I know that she has mental health problems that are not being addressed and the nasty/entitled behavior is how it is acted out. She feels that the world "owes her a living". Dr. Phil says that neglecting to teach our children HOW to work is a form of child abuse. I agree. It creates entitled adults that screws them up for life. UG! I also relate to you in that it seems that my hubby will NOT put up with this in others but he WILL put up with this in his dau. He has no insight into her behavior or how she comes across to others - it should be embarassing. I pray to GOD that he gets a clue or sets a limit. to be honest, it is a bit of a turn off and it is hard for me to respect him when he acts this way - i never say anything though. I like your suggestion about my son but he is simply too young for my husband to relate to this. I DID bring up the fact that I want a huge college fund for my son since his dau had one and went through it already. I am enforcing saving for this now while is at age 6. A friend told me that the VALUES i am teaching are far more VALUABLE than the MONEY that his daughter is getting. I would not want my son to get the credit card at age 22! I find that disgusting. I will give him gifts and he can work for the rest. I am reasonable and if he is working hard and needs a loan for a home, I will help. I do not believe in spoiling. It is ridiculous - what if we die early? it is not helpful or reality based. Let's see if anyone is able to cope with this and have a sane and loving relationship. I know that we have to TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES as they say in al-anon but it is still hard to live with day in and day out. are you able to ignore it? thanks! S

Money, Money....I did find a solution to that, as I am an accountant. Since I manage the money, and pay all the bills. After six years of dealing with the same issue as above and being broke all the time. I put my Husband on a BUDGET! He gets so much on the 1st and 15th to spends as he wishes and it is his money and I don't ask how it is spent, the rest is household money which he is not allowed to touch except for gas and groceries. Guess how it spends it, every dime to his kids, but it has boundries and limitations. It has seemed to work, and no more arguments betweem him and I about money. The kids scream at him, he just tells them, this is all I have.

WOW! that sounds great but my husband would NEVER go on a budget. to be fair, he does give me money and is letting me pay down our mortage fast (we are 47 and 60 and have a young son - age 6) we need to save and to OWN things. So he is letting me take charge of some areas but will NOT budge when it comes to supporting his 22 year old daugther and her dead beat boyfriend age 35 (HE DOES NOT WORK). to me they seem like bonnie and clyde, always manipulating and plotting on how to get money. I feel sad for them sometimes because NO ONE tells them the truth. everyone sees how bizarre they are but both parents are in DENIAL. I fear I will lose my marriage over this. we constantly fight about MONEy and how he still give his daugther "child support" when she has complete univeristy and does NOT work. UGG!!! any ideas?