BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships Can't seem to let resentment go!

I was wronged by a group of three women. They "ganged up" against me and snubbed me in a way I find unforgiveable. I tend to hang onto resentments and hold a grudge. I know it's not healthy, and I know it empowers them in my mind. But I still can't let it go! I guess I don't know how.... I've tried feeling pity for them, because of the way they acted, they were really never friends to begin with. I would have NEVER done what they did to me. They are nasty people, in my book. But how do I get past this? It's already been 5 months and I can't stand the site of any of them. Any advice out there?

Pity is a type of superiority. When a person feels pity, then they are often feeling a sense of smugness, which doesn't help when you are trying to get rid of bad feelings. It actually just adds to the negativity.

What you've got to try to find is a sense of peace within yourself. It is not easy, but by not forgiving you are only hurting yourself. They obvisouly don't care.

Try sitting down one night and writing out exactly what they did to hurt you. Then on another piece of paper write down what you wish they would have done differently. On a 3rd piece of paper write down what would be you think would be changed in your life if the 2nd had happened. Then feed all 3 pieces of paper into a fire and watch until they have all gone to ashes. While you are sitting there watching the papers burn, just sit, watch the fire, and imagine the hurt within you going up with the smoke.

This isn't "magic" or anything - just a way to visualize the pain that you've held inside. Then you can focus on you, and not worry about them.

I'm having the same problem with my brother in law's girlfriend.

She was jealous of my engagement and of our relationship. She tried to ruin my engagement party, snubbed me in many ways for 2 years. Only recently has she been nicer to me only because my brother in law has been more affectionate towards her. She's the type of person that if she's feeling miserable, she makes everyone around her miserable.

I also have some resentment towards my in laws because of this. I feel as if they sided with her and told me not to take it personally. Someone treats you like [censored] for 2 years and I'm not supposed to take that personally? Only reason I never punched her in her face was because I know that would put a huge wedge between my husband and his family. He's close to his brother and I didn't want to come inbetween that. I can't escape her either. She's there at every family function. It's sooo frustrating!

Sorry if I ranted on your post. I don't mean to steal away your thunder or anything. But I know how it feels to have anger and resentment eat away at you.

I've tried forgiving her, pitying her, etc. But nothing helps me. In the end I just remember what she did to me and all the hurt and anger comes flowing right back.

I have tried what Michelle has mentioned. I've blogged, ranted, written my feelings on paper but nothing helps. I think the only thing that will help me is if I confront her but I can't. Not because I don't want to but because it will cause a big problem with my in laws and I don't want to risk that.

I'm sorry those evil wenches did you wrong. In my opinion, I think you should keep your distance and avoid them at all costs if possible. They're toxic people.

I wish I could be more of a help with this but as you can see, I'm pretty much in the same boat as you are. Wish you all the best.

[quote=Jellyroll]I'm having the same problem with my brother in law's girlfriend. She was jealous of my engagement and of our relationship. She tried to ruin my engagement party, snubbed me in many ways for 2 years. Only recently has she been nicer to me only because my brother in law has been more affectionate towards her. She's the type of person that if she's feeling miserable, she makes everyone around her miserable. I also have some resentment towards my in laws because of this. I feel as if they sided with her and told me not to take it personally. Someone treats you like [censored] for 2 years and I'm not supposed to take that personally? Only reason I never punched her in her face was because I know that would put a huge wedge between my husband and his family. He's close to his brother and I didn't want to come inbetween that. I can't escape her either. She's there at every family function. It's sooo frustrating! Sorry if I ranted on your post. I don't mean to steal away your thunder or anything. But I know how it feels to have anger and resentment eat away at you. I've tried forgiving her, pitying her, etc. But nothing helps me. In the end I just remember what she did to me and all the hurt and anger comes flowing right back. I have tried what Michelle has mentioned. I've blogged, ranted, written my feelings on paper but nothing helps. I think the only thing that will help me is if I confront her but I can't. Not because I don't want to but because it will cause a big problem with my in laws and I don't want to risk that. I'm sorry those evil wenches did you wrong. In my opinion, I think you should keep your distance and avoid them at all costs if possible. They're toxic people. I wish I could be more of a help with this but as you can see, I'm pretty much in the same boat as you are. Wish you all the best. [/quote] We are so in the same place on this one. Sorry I wish I could be more help however I am having a Similar issue.

Now they are loudly saying "Hello, how's it going" and loud small talk in front of other people, on purpose, so that I have to say something fakey back to pretend to be nice. They are not leaving me alone. Any advice?

I had a situation where it wasn't a few people, but a small town. It was a horrible feeling & in the groccery stores (my ex-husband and I were going through a divorce) they would clear their throat loudly and say, "That's her...and tisk while shaking their heads." In my daughter's school, one of the people testifying on behalf of my ex-husband said loudly, "So, Karen-Elleise, whatever your name is, how are you today?"

Finally, I stopped, turned around in a very soothing but eye contacted & steady fashion said, "You really want to get into this? (I was shaking on the inside could barely breath trying not to cry and clearly stated a.b.c.) what she and her crowd in the school system were doing with information to help my "networking" ex. I finished it off with, "you of all people should know how I'm doing" and left.

Afterwards, on the drive home I realized, these people are the way they are. They can't not be to have the associations they do. It isn't temporary. I also realized, it's entertainment for them and nothing more. To need that type of entertainment, you have to be somewhat empty and bored yourself. Finally it came to me that all of the resentment, tears & devestation I had meant nothing to them and made me feel badly inside. So, it was in letting the taxing feeling I had which only made me feel badly & the calling out of what these people did which set me free. It was the only thing that did. I hope this helps some

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Elleise
Clairvoyance Editor

You have come a long ways Karen. I'm glad that life is treating you so much better. I happy your in a wonderful light now. Tre'

So I should confront them in front of other people? I wouldn't know what to say or how to say it.....

I can understand where you are coming from. I have been there and done that. I have found that resentment and bitterness destroys a person. Forgiveness [b][color:#FF0000]FREES[/color] [/b]the forgiver. I have had people who have hurt me and I felt at the time that I could not move past the hurt. Even when my husband walked out on me and our three children I thought I would never be able to forgive him. It is not easy but it is the right thing to do. Never let anyone be responsible for your peace of mind. The bible says that unless we forgive we cannot receive forgiveness from God. Always act never react. Hope this helps.

What kind of group is it, if I may ask? = )