BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Doubting about having children

Hello everybody, I am so happy to have found this forum. I am a 33 year old female and have been married for 8 years. In the past my husband had some moments he thought he liked children but at this moment we both feel it is not for us. Yet the hard thing is to see all my friends either wanting children or being pregnant or having children. It is like they all joined a club. I do not want to join it, but still feel a bit left out as their live changed and so did the friendships. My hubby and I just moved to a great house with 5 bedrooms. We happen to like the space and I love my hobbies. You will not believe how many people (even just people that came in to do work on the house) commented on us being ready to start a family. Imagine if you had infertility issues? People can be so thoughtless! All the questions people ask you about the why's of the choice make me doubt. Will I grow old all alone and lonely? But hey, that is no reason to start a family. And how about being egotistical? I am a spiritual person and according to some sources souls are awaiting to be born. So do I withhold themtheir destinies? But what is my Destiny? I do not see myself with kids. I feel it is such a big responsibilty, I would not want to be pregnant with all the throwing up and labour pains. Although I like children and am a loving aunt, I am happy that thse neices get picked up after a day with them. I guess my question is how to find some acceptance of my own choice and some peacefulness to also accept other people have other choices and that may mean friendships change or even end...

Hi! I also struggled with this topic for many years. I worried about being alone in my old age, while my friends had babies. Now I see those same friends troubled because their children will not grow up. They constantly ask for money. They come to Mom and Dad because they have lost their jobs and don't have anywhere to live. They bring their little ones home and they have never been disciplined. One son even "wrote off" his parents because his new wife didn't like them. Having children is opening yourself up for a lot of disappointment and hurt. One friend says it is like a "[censored]-shoot" and you never know how they will turn out.

I have not had any children and sometimes I am a little sad about that, but when I hear their war stories---I'm glad I stuck with my decision. I continue to be busy and have a full life. There are plenty of people needing a friend or a mother substitute. You will not be alone unless you choose to be.

Good luck with your choices!

I also have struggled with this topic. I'm 34 years old, my husband is 39. I have never had the desire to have children; he on the other hand thinks I might change my mind, although he says he's okay with it if we don't. It is very true, people can be thoughtless and relentless when asking about when you and your spouse are going to have kids. It's almost like society has made it a prerequisite question people have to ask so that's why virtually everyone asks it all the time. It's funny - I have yet to see one single couple, married or not, who says children made their marriage/relationship easier/less stressed. I know, I KNOW -- you hear all the time how 'kids change everything' and 'it's different when they're your own' and all that, but really it's always that exact same response, so again I think it's just what some parents think they have to say, because God forbid anyone honestly say that having kids stresses them 24 hours a day, they have zero time for themselves anymore, their homes are a disaster zone, they can't carry on a conversation with an adult on the phone for longer than 2 seconds without being interrupted, the pregnancy weight isn't budging, they have no money, they can't find a babysitter to even go out to dinner... so YEAH, I agree kids change everything, just not in a great way. Sorry it's just sometimes I'm baffled at why anyone would really want kids so much and be willing to be so miserable for so many years, when to me it seems like the lows outweigh the highs.

How wonderful to get a reply so soon. Thanks 4143, it is especially great to hear from someone who is further along the way. I do believe we can mean something to other people, regardless of whether we are mothers or not! I will need to find my way in this as at the moment so many friendships seems to alter. Friends bring their kids along. And I do not hate kids or anything, but the possibility of adult conversation turns to below the 10 percent mark to say the least. Friends that I used to sit on the phone with for hours I never phone with any more. Everytime I called it was not the right time. After asking when the kids slept, I would call at that time, but every single time one of the kids would start crying and the mum would get distressed and hang up anyway, not to call back again. So now I just use email or a little letter instead. Yet it is not the same. Especially as there is so much about their kids and other kids and who got sick and threw up or had a flu or was not growing well. They usually do not tell me the happy stuff, but then end with "but you get soooo much in return." (Well, do tell me...WHAT?) Which brings me to you Sage 718, I do sometimes see that people are really happy with their kids. Well, actually, expecially with my brother. He is like a superdad. He's got a 2,5 year-old-girl (I am afraid she will be spoiled rotten as she is very strongwilled and the mother does give in just out of fatigue I guess) and a 1 year old boy. And he loves them to bits and enjoys cuddling them and caring for them and seeing them develop. And to him it is worth every single night without sleep and everytime they puke all over him. And I feel happy for him. As they are my blood I am more interested and he thankfully finds time to talk to me and also about other topics than kids. I am happy just being an aunt though! So it is not that I cannot see the joy people can have from having children. I just know my own boundaries. I have less energy than other people (I have CFS) and I am not a very nurturing person. At least not in the physical sense. When you're depressed or fearfull I am your girl, but not if you are about to throw up or need a diaper changed. As long as I have any doubt I will stick to my decision not to have them. I think some people take having children much too lightly. I do wonder if any of them ever really regret it. PS am 32...made a typing error

Faeryqueen, I completely agree with your point. I do think some people can just deal much better with kids and everything stressful just rolls off their backs, your brother being a great example of that. I guess what I was trying to say (I didn't do a good job of it) is that because I personally cannot see the joys, and so many parents that I know of simply go on and on forever about how stressed they are, how tired they are, etc., I cannot understand why so many others who have kids, who ARE stressed out, keep having more. I feel every word you said, about having old friends for years who you used to be able to pick up and go with, or stay on the phone for hours on end - that's all done and over with. I find myself getting severely irritated when I try to talk to a friend/family member about something vitally important and all I can hear is them making noises to their child in the background, or yelling at the top of their lungs every 2 seconds, or are just completely incapable of listening anymore because of the kids. I also have CFS, in addition to severe adrenal fatigue - so maybe that contributes to the feeling of just not being able to cope with the nonstop stress that children bring. I am also just happy being an aunt, as you are, but I also take off running when a diaper needs changing or a baby needs feeding. Sorry, I am just not the person for that. But I am the most loving dog owner you'll ever meet and would do anything for my dogs. I follow the same mindset of as long as I have doubts, I will stick with not having them. There's just no reason to try and force the 'mother' feeling if it's just not there.

Hi there! I just sent you a personal message. What are the odds of us both having CFS? Seems like we are alike! Though I am a catperson. I have three cats, and they are a bit like my kids. I care for them very well and I am a very loving pet owner. Would love to keep in touch to have one sane (haha non-kiddy) pal around!

Oh I'll have to check that! Sorry been offline a few days... yeah I don't find many people with CFS, we'll have to talk :)