BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage married to a narcissist

Doormatnomore,

Get counseling before you scrap the marriage. Counseling has saved many marriages, and you just never know what could come of it. It's certainly worth a try; if not just to save the marriage, but more for your own sake that in case it doesn't work out, at least you went a step further than just throwing it away.

I can't blame you for feeling the way you do...but I can see you're taking a little responsibility for it, in saying you "trained" him to treat you that way.

If talking to him (without crying if you can) with logical points and surfacing what really bothers you doesn't work, suggest counseling. If he won't go, that's a bad sign.

((((((HUGS TO YOU))))))))

Hello to all,

I am new to this space. I found it by googling "Married to a Narcissistic". I have been with my husband for 18 years. It has taken me that long to realize that I am not married to my soul mate, I am married to my mirror image, being that he is a narcissistic and I am a door mat. Not only do I have to do everything under the sun to please him while he does not one thing for me, but, I just found out three months ago that he has been having an affair with a 26 year old girl for the past year. He is 60 years old. All of this has made me take a hard look at our relationship. It started with him being the most charming man that I had ever met. He was totally consumed with me. I had just come out of a 14 year marriage to a man who cheated constantly and was never home or paid attention to me, so I was prime for anyone who showed me that they cared. At first it was a dream come true. I have always had a very strong libido and we were a good match in that area. What I did not realize is that his libido is not just strong, he is addicted to sex, porn and to extramarital affairs (wether it be of the heart or body). All of this has left me at my wits end. In the last year I have had a nervous break down, been diagnosed with ulcers, I have lost 25 pounds and my immune system has taken such a hit that I have been sick constantly. We are in counseling but it has taken our counselor one year to figure out that my husband is a narcissistic. I have decided to give myself time to heal before I make any decisions on wether to stay or leave. Is there anyone else out there who has a husband with narcissistic tendencies who is also addicted to sex and porn? I would love to hear from you. If so. Have you sought counseling and has it helped? I could really use some help figuring this thing out.

Elizabeth,

Welcome to the Marriage Forum. My name is Kristen Houghton and I am the moderator here and the Marriage Editor for BellaOnline.

The motto in this forum is "We listen and we do not judge."

You are one of many who have posted about narcissistic husbands and men who are addicted to porn, sex, and who cheat. It is difficult, and that is putting it mildly, to be married to someone like that.

You are making a wise decision to allow yourself to heal before you make any major decisions. Making any decision while you're not well physically and emotionally healthy is wrong. Give yourself time to get well.

While you are taking care of yourself, however, I would let your husband know that under no circumstances will you allow him to live with you, have sex with you, or disturb your healing process while he is "involved" with the other person. There are such things as STDs and you cannot allow him to infect you, especially in view of what happened to your immune system.

I had a dear friend who tried to get pregnant for quite some time. Her husband gave her a venereal disease which scarred her fallopian tubes and prevented her from getting pregnant. He then had the gall to tell her that she should have a chance-y operation to "fix" her tubes because he wanted a child.

Please come back often and post. We are inexpensive therapy!

I have been with a narcissit for 24 long years. Never realized that the person I was with fit this description. I am getting divorced from this person now and do you know what finally woke me up and helped me to realize what I had to do? I met another narcissist and sociopath at work. He stalked and intimidated me for 8 long months. It was this horrifiying experience that made me see the same characteristic flaws in my own husband. That was one serious wakeup, let me tell you. When you are aware that the person you are with is a narcissist, don't walk, run away. Save yourself and your sanity girl. Here are some warning signs to help us to never ever fall into the same trap again: The narcissist will not apologize for his behavior, he will blame his own shortcomings on you (mine for example blamed his own inadequacy in bed on his first wife, he also blamed his inability to find a job he could be happy in on me, he even blamed me for problems that our son had, it goes on and on). Be very very careful when you know a person that wants you to make you feel sorry for them, huge red light. They will tell you that they get screwed by other people, and that they are actually the good ones. Very dangerous, because they actually believe it. They are full of themselves and will only leave if they realize that they do not have power over you anymore. Yes, it will [censored] them off, but it is a ticket to freedom for you. At first it will be rough, because they will have brainwashed you into believing that they will always be better than you, that you are useless, that you can not do anything right, that you are not right in your head. You will have no self esteem at first, you will suffer but you will prevail. Oh, and another thing. A great warning sign I have found: When you do something right and you get rewarded for it like a promotion, they will show their true colors and they will be jealous of you. A person that loves you and truly cares about you would not be jealous because you succeede in life, they would be proud of you and happy for you. There, I said it. In my case, even though I get divorced, my soon to be ex still has some control over me, because I live in the house that he will pay for. I know now that he still controls me because of that but I will sever those ties too eventually. It will not be instantly, and when my son is ready for his own life, I will move and my soon to be ex will never find out where I will be at. And you know the funny thing? No one will believe you that you are married to a narcissist? Do you know why? Narcissists and Sociopaths always have a lot of friends that love them because these people never will see the real person, they only see what the narcissistic Sociopath will let them see. In my case my own in laws do not believe that this person is a narcissist. Even his own family is not aware of who he really is. That is the power of the Narcissist. They are smart, they are cunning and they can charm you to death. But in their heads only one thing counts: they only care about themselves. Everyone else is only a way to get to their means, whatever it is they want. They will walk all over you to get it and honey, they do not care about your feelings and they do not understand the meaning of empathy and they never will. I have been hurt and burnt too many times. But I know what to look for now.

Congratulations on having the courage and insight to break free and create a healthier life.

Narcissists are sly and fly below the radar of detection. I encourage anyone who suspects her spouse of being one to check out a few of the titles on Amazon.com to read about it.

There is no peace living with a narcissist. A healthy marriage is impossible because narcissists are unhealthy minded.

The damage is horrendous.

I can't commend you enough for taking a stand. Thank you for sharing and hopefully you will give courage to someone who is contemplating breaking free of her own destructive marriage.

Actually, I can't use the word marriage here. A marriage is a sacred trust between two people. When one person breaks that trust by being abusive in any way, the marriage is broken in spirit, regardless of the legal status and paperwork involved. That is my belief at least.

Good for you. Be well. Be happy. You deserve it.

I think my H is the same as well. Everything is my fault, he never says sorry, never says he loves me, i do not really speak to him a lot as I either get one word answers or he turns it all on me, he does nothing for me, not even a tea or coffee - not sure if he even knows what is in it, he does not do any cooking, cleaning of the house, ironing etc, he needs me to find stuff on the net for him, told me he was starting to sort out the financial side so that he was in control but two days later is all left to me. We pay for his car and BBT every month and other bits, nothing for me. The other day I was trying to spice things up and I tried to send him a picture of me but couldn't do it and he said is you do I will buy you something. All our money goes to a joint account which is always run to the limit. He now thinks I am up to something ie thought I was getting sex elsewhere etc, says i am always checking my phone - and he has started going through my phone. I just need the courage to do something about this situation.

any advice

Your husband is terrible. You should tell him what he does to you is wrong, and warn him.