BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids can't decide about having kids

Hi - I have read some of the posts here, and especially the thread from JennyT has really freaked me out (has kid but hates being a mom). I am undecided about having kids. Before I married my husband, I knew he liked kids but he also liked the idea of being childfree and being able to travel a lot and so on. I've never been interested in kids, but I thought getting married would probably change that. I'm 31 and my husband is 44. Now I've been married almost a year, and my husband has started to seem crazy about kids - he comments on how cute they are, and how he'd like one with me. I thought he was undecided before we got married, but now he seems to *really* want one (but occasionally has also said that we don't have to have kids - possibly more to please me but its hard to say). For my part, I've gone from being not very interested but assuming I'd want them one day to having really mixed but strong feelings. I am afraid if I don't have them I'll regret it when I'm older, I'll disapoint my husband (and my relationship with him is more important than anything) and I wonder if it is really true that 'it is different when you have your own kids & might be missing out?' I had a great childhood as far as my parents were concerned (though got bullied a lot - maybe that's why I cringe whenever I hear people refer to kids as 'little angels' yah right). I love my family and being part of family is important to me (a contradition??? well I'm human!) The trouble is, I do not genuinely enjoy children. I like them and think I could have fun with kids between ages of say 5-12, and I actually quite like teenagers too, although I went through a phase of hating my parents and thinking they were old and boring - poor parents. Having adult kids would be great (I think). When I'm around small kids/babies I often feel irritated, especially when (some) parents gush about how wonderful they are and think their ego-centric behaviour, interupting adults, breaking things etc. should be accepted by the rest of us or is even 'cute.' there would be all the hard work but I might not feel it was rewarding until the kids were much older. I'm not that career oriented, but I am afraid of losing myself. Is it possible to compromise here? I think I could handle adoption because then I could skip the baby/small child stage. But is it fair to adopt even if I'm not kid crazy? Tho my husband said he'd like to have a baby with me, he is considering adoption. I do like the idea of a slightly older kid esp. since my husband is older and I don't think being close to 60 when the kid graduates from h/s is ideal. I just have so many conflicting feelings and don't know what to do any more! Maybe asking in the child free area is not the right place, but I get enough reactions like "you'll change your mind" "how can you not like kids, maybe you're just not self confident enough...' etc. I really want to make my husband happy. I wish we'd sorted this out better pre-marriage, but then people and situations change, and sometims we aren't honest with ourselves or really understand all of our feelings... so here we are. How did you go through these decision-making processes? Help!

Sands, Unfortunately, this is one area of marriage where compromise can be disastrous. I believe that both parents should really want to have children before the decision is made. Right now, you're not sure you even like children! And a lot of years go by before they're self-sufficient. Another thing is, you have to be prepared to love whatever child you get. Sadly, some children are born with health/medical issues that they may struggle with for years--if not forever.

Sands, I'm SO GLAD you wrote that! I feel EXACTLY the same way. I've been happily married for 5 years, and we thought we'd wait and see about having kids. I'm 36 years old, and I have NEVER had the urge to have kids, and I still don't. But I keep thinking that maybe we should have kids. My biggest fear is regretting it later in old age; I actually really like the idea of having grown children when I'm older, but I just DON'T like small children. I also dislike the way that the whole world has to revolve around children. I don't want to stop being an adult with serious pursuits just to be a mother. Is it REALLY necessary to make that comprommise to be a mother? I often wonder if there's somthing wrong with me because I think this way, because beside your post, I don't see or hear about anyone else being SO conflicted, but I just KNOW that it's not possible for all women with kids to be cheerfully willing stepford moms. And even though my husband and I are perfectly happy the way we are, I also feel guilty about not wanting kids. I feel like I'm being selfish. And the constant questions from friends and family about when we're going to have kids doesn't help either. I know this is no help to you, because I'm just as confused as you are. But at least we don't have to feel like we're the only ones. Regards, arlyn

Definitely this is not an issue to compromise on. Compromise is ok for small things but not for something this life-altering!

Agree totally!

Compromise is for things like deciding who does which chores in the house, or how often you go to the cinema or to visit relatives. Children are such a life-transforming commitment, and they deserve better than to be brought into this world as a compromise.

If you don't have children and regret it later, that's life. We can't have everything. But how much worse to have a child, and regret it, and to constantly have to hide that regret from the child who will sense it anyway and be hurt by that.

Your friends and family don't have to walk in your shoes. Only you know what's best for you, sands.

First off, children are not negotiable. It's either something you want or you don't. And there's no compromising it. Which is why it should be something that's discussed and decided early on in a relationship.

Since in this situation, it's already too late. There's no going backward so, you must figure out your feelings.

Like I suggested to someone else, block out everything you've been told and ask yourself, what do I want? What is going to make me happy.
Ask yourself questions about your future. Can you handle everything negative that comes with a baby? How will your life change? Can you deal if things don't go as planned? And do you truly desire to be a mother?

Women usually feel selfish for refusing to give their husbands children but look at it this way, how fair would it be to the child? Yes, your husband may glow with joy but how will you feel when the child arrives? Will you be truly happy? Or will you just do what's needs to be done?

You have no reason to feel guilty or ashamed for not wanting children. Either the desire is there or it isn't. It's just that simple. There's nothing wrong with you. You are not "different" or "not normal" for not wanting kids.
Every human has hopes, needs and desires and they're not all the same. For you, things other than children may make you happy while being a mother may not. It's just your nature. You can't fight that.

Now if it's an issue about pregnancy or giving birth, adoption is always an option. But adoption doesn't always go smoothly. Prepare for that if that becomes your final decision.

I get the feeling that both you and your husband are undecided. You both should be at least as close to 100% sure as possible. If not, don't do it. It's not worth risking it for the child's sake.

I would suggest you have some very serious, deep talks with your husband on the issue. Do NOT speak about this with anyone else because people have a tendency to sway your decision. This is a very personal decision that should only be made between you and your husband. It does not involve your family or friends.

Let's be real here, no one is going to deal with your personal stress, emotions, give birth for you, pay your rent and bills, solve your marital problems etc, after you're pregnant. All these things fall on your shoulders and yours alone. So be ready to deal with them.

I'm glad you found this forum before you made a final decision. Hopefully now you can make a wise one without making the mistake of jumping into something you may have been completely unprepared for.

I wish you and your husband the best of luck. And no matter what you both decide, I hope it works well for the both of you.

thank you everyone for your feedback and support. arlyn, thanks for your post. It is nice to know I'm not alone! Like you - being a mother doesn't sound so bad if it doesn't have to be 'stepford' mom style. And I think in the old days when we all had kids because there was no choice (no pill) and kids were needed to work the farm or whatever, maybe there was less pressure to be the perfect mom and in a sense it would have been easier. It would also help having extended families like the old days! A lot of what i don't like about motherhood is not the work but that you have to treat children like they should be on a pedestal (my mom didn't treat us like that - she was very strict, but my sis-in-laws and a lot of my peers sure do!) I think what really makes me cringe is being around kids who have been raised by moms (or dads) who put the kids on a pedestal. Hubby and I are both a bit undecided - we did talk pre marriage about kids but at the time it felt like a far off issue so I could say 'let's wait and see,' and feel ok, but I didn't anticipate having such strong, conflicting feelings now that 'the issue' is a bit closer. Thank you jellyroll for your point about NOT talking to others about this. You are so right, people do try to sway me and it is just more confusing! Off to do some more soul-searching!

Hi, Sands,
A friend of mine gave me this advice about a year after the birth of her first (and only) child: "If you aren't 100% sure--I mean, absolutely, positively certain--that you want to have a baby, don't do it." I heeded her advice since I never wanted kids anyway. However, when I reached 36 and all of my friends and family members were having kids, something happened, and my "clock" started ticking. I suddenly THOUGHT that I wanted a baby--it was this weird urge. And I was so scared that if I didn't do it right then, that it'd be too late, and I'd regret the decision later on. But--after trying for a few years, my husband and I found out that we couldn't have kids. I was distraught--but I really think it was a hormonal thing going on.

Now, at almost 40, I feel a sense of relief that it DIDN'T happen. A couple of weeks ago, I thought I might be pregnant--and I was terrified! I knew it wasn't right for me. And, deep inside, I think I always knew.

So, yes, that's where you have to look. Beyond your social circle, beyond your family, beyond societal expectations, and (if possible!) beyond hormonal pulls if they happen. Only YOU know what's right for you and your life.

Good luck in your soul-searching.

hi Sands, I have heard the "you'll change your mind" speech quite a few times now myself. nothing frustrates me faster then people thinking I'm going through a phase or just being selfish cause I dont want to reproduce. I agree with Jellyroll 100% - Dont compromise on something as huge as a child. its a life long commitment to be a parent and for at least 18 years they will be dependent upon you. they require a whole lot more then a dog or cat does. you will probably have many deep, sometimes painful talks with your husband on this matter. getting others people's advice is not always the best route to go. I get advice I dont want all the time. the pro-baby people cant seem to shut up when it comes to having kids. they can spin it to make it sound like heaven. just remember it is your life and whatever choice is made YOU will be the one actually living it. I read a post about someone who suggested making a pros/cons list.maybe that could help you in your decision.

Hi all, just found this forum and soooo glad I did. It's so nice to be around others who feel the exact way I do, and not worry about being ridiculed. Sands, I am 34 years old, my husband is almost 40. We have been married 3 years. I have never, ever once even remotely wanted children. He on the other hand drops hints every so often, and I know he would like to. I think because I often speak bad about the way they affect married lives (I know, that's not very fair since not all do, but I am telling you I have yet to meet a couple who say that a child made their marriage EASIER!) he kind of drops the issue. I hope your husband can remain understanding and accept the fact that you just don't want kids. Not all women are meant to be mothers -- and hopefully this doesn't sound too mean, but too many of them that ARE mothers probably never should have been. I remember saying at age 10 I never wanted kids, and no part of me at my age now wants them. But it's hard when virtually everyone around you is having them at a record pace. It sometimes plays on your mind, and makes you THINK you should want one, makes you THINK you might have regrets, etc... and then you start second-guessing yourself. Why does that happen?? I have for years thought out my decision carefully, and I am most content just living my life with my husband and our 2 amazing dogs. I don't WANT to deal with pregnancy, weight gain, a screaming newborn, the toddler stage, a disaster of a house, being exhausted all the time, never finding time to relax without getting a babysitter, finding the 'right' school, carpooling, PTA meetings, little league... ARRRRRRRG!!! Just the thought of it makes me sooooo happy I don't have children! It's so freaking hard sometimes. Thanks for letting me vent and thanks for the forum, this helps a lot. :)