BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting I need advice as a new step-dad

Eight months ago I began dating a wonderful woman Angie, a mother of a five year old boy named Jason. From day one, I have done everything in my power to be a strong male role model for Jason and have absolutely bonded with him in every way imaginable. He loves me just as much as I love him and the quality time we share is priceless. Just to give a bit of a backdrop...Angie was just coming out of a seven year relationship with Jason's father Tom, which ended because Angie and Tom were fighting too much and just not moving forward. Angie told me that Jason and his father always had a pretty strong father-son relationship when they were together, but the day Angie and Tom split up he basically turned into the definition of a deadbeat dad. In the past eight months he only came to see his son on an average of twice per month, and has not paid even the minimum amount of state mandated child support. I am writing this on the day that Angie is going to court to have the judge set child support and schedule for parenting time between Tom and Jason. And that is where I am so conflicted. On Jason's visits to Tom's house, the environment is not at all the way it should be between a father and son. It's bad enough that Tom does not financially support his son properly, but he is just not an involved and dedicated parent in the way that I feel that I am and in the way that Angie is. When Jason is with me and Angie, he is happy and content and progressing on all levels that a young child should. When he returns from Tom's house, he is lethargic and sad and just not his normal self. He cries when he has to go visit there, and he wakes up several times during the middle of the night when he comes home. The way I have been raising Jason has been so positive and emotionally stimulating to his well-being and development, and he just does not get that from Tom or his family (they are very cold and uninvolved). I encourage healthy eating in the home and only feed him homemade, home-cooked meals and have made it a point to eliminate unhealthy snacks from our house (Tom only feeds his son fast food and junk food). Jason and I take daily walks where he gets excellent exercise (he sits in the house and watches Tom play video games when he visits there). We go on "playdates," where I encourage Jason to make friends and help him in becoming socially involved with other children. I take him to the library and read books to him. I have arranged for a private tutor to prepare him for kindergarten. I have gotten Jason on a regular sleeping schedule where he goes to bed without any fuss whatsoever each evening when his bedtime arrives, and does not wake up during the night at all (except, as I said, when he returns home from his visits with Tom). In addition to the above, I give Jason as much love as I possibly can give along with my parents who treat him like their own grandson. Tom's mother will not even allow herself to be publicly called "Grandma." Although Jason isn't physically abused in Tom's care, he is not cared for properly and his emotional well-being is compromised at the very least. What's occurring on his visits are detrimental to his immediate (and long-term) growth. I am just at my wits end and worry all the time when he is visiting with Tom, and I know things are only going to get worse once this child support and parenting schedule is set in place. Angie was the one who realized months ago that Tom's deadbeat dad behavior was inexcusable and was prepared to have Tom forfeit his rights as Jason's father. I was, and still am, fully prepared to legally become Jason's father. But now Angie has done a complete 360, and doesn't feel it's best to have Tom fully out of the picture at this time. She is holding out some fantasy that he all of a sudden is now going to become a model father. I feel Jason is young enough now where he will forget about Tom and the boy loves me so much that I will certainly be able to fill that role forever. I'm already filling that role now, and I'm very hurt that Angie has changed her tune and is not pushing for Tom to terminate his parental rights. With a court-mandated joint custody arrangement between Angie and Tom, my voice will now become the third voice (if it is heard at all) and I will have no legal rights in any decision making even if I marry Angie (which I am planning to do). It seems like everything now is going to just go up in the air. All the negatives that will result in a joint custody arrangement between Tom and Angie far outweigh any possible father-son bond that Angie is hoping occurs between Jason and Tom. But there is no convincing Angie of this. I'm only looking out for the best interests of Jason here and I love him and Angie so much that I'm so torn and worked up about all this. Am I wrong? What do I do at this point?

I am a stepmom, and a mom who's children have a stepmom, that being said... Please forgive me if this offends you, but this is a very new relationship you are in, and you are making an awful lot of changes in the life of a kid that has had his world flipped on end. I am sure she has taken your feelings into consideration, but this has to be about her son's feelings. Maybe you could take a step back and let your girlfriend do what she thinks is best. IMHO the best thing you can do for this child is be a nutural safe place for him to get away from the fighting and problems. It sounds like you love him and have him in mind, so he is lucky to have you.

Thanks Michelleann...I'm trying my best to stay positive and not let this whole mess effect our relationship. It's just I hate when Angie makes excuses for Tom. She told me that even when they were together he wasn't as involved a parent as he should be. She told me she would have to take Jason down the shore alone because he refused, and he refused to do family things like go Christmas shopping and stuff like that. She says he "shows his love in different ways," but I just don't understand that concept. And I'm sure they had their good times too, but at this point there is no indication that Tom is going to automatically do the right thing. Me and Angie and Jason do all these kinds of family things together and I know it's going to be me going to parent-teacher conferences when Jason starts school, and it's gonna be me who is there with him on doctor visits and at all other important milestones. And the fact that I'm so ready to commit to all these things should be reason enough for Angie to understand that that is how you show love and allow me to do all that with no reservations or possibility of Tom causing problems. Recently Jason was sick and the guy did not even come to see his son once. Big deal, he calls him on the phone for five minutes. Just this past Sunday Jason said his father yelled at him (Angie says "well he must have been doing something wrong") and just continues to defend him on everything. For the few rare moments they spend together instead of Tom teaching him things and bonding and spending quality time, he is yelling? It's like everything I try to teach Jason is set back after his visits with Tom and his family, and I hate to sit here and be silent when I see this happening. And Angie wants to continue to allow these visits because Tom is the biological father and because she is hoping that he all of a sudden becomes "Super Dad." Maybe I shouldn't have so many doubts like this but quite frankly I just don't understand not having your 100% heart and soul and dedication into your child. Tom does not have that, there is no denying it. If I am away one day I miss Jason. His mom misses him all day when she has to go to work and this guy only sees the kid once a week at the most. Again, these are not particularly terms of abuse but they are very different ways of raising your child and this all stems from Tom's upbringing. His mother is a cold and ill-hearted person, and I only pray that Jason's exposure to that environment does not make him develop a cold side to him as he grows up. I can only do my best to try and counter that by giving all the love I can give. I guess time will tell on how this all goes.

Mike, being a stepdad my self I can tell you that getting involved with the ex drama is going to be a lose - lose situation. You just keep going and give Jason all of the love you can and be the best father figure that you can be. As Jason grows up, he is going to know where the love is.

No one, not even your gf can control what goes on at Tom's house and if you try or get your gf to try, it will definitely strain your relationship and Jason doesn't need that either.

You concentrate your efforts on your family and keep on making a loving family and the rest will work itself out.

I appreciate the advice Vance and I am certainly going to try and do that. I hope you are right. The court awarded Angie $125 per week in support payments and Tom gets to pick up Jason ever other Friday and keep him until Sundays at 7. I was not happy at all when I heard that and I know Angie isn't totally happy about it either. I was wishing and praying that Tom would just sign over his parental rights. Me and Angie had a pretty big talk about everything when she got home (started off as a big argument), but all in all I think we are on the same page now. Angie told me that Tom apologized to her before their court appearance for being so absent for the past eight months, and that he is now going to step up. I personally am not going to encourage or discourage the situation, instead I'm going to be neutral and just see what happens. The way I see it, if Tom really has changed, he should be a real man and thank me for stepping in the past eight months when he was absent. It's not that I need or want any kudos or pats on the back, but if he was a real man he would do that. But I know that won't happen. Again, we are all going to give this time. Venting on these forums does help a lot I must admit. I feel somewhat less tense about this to some degree. She's going to give Tom this one last shot now to be a father and I have to respect that even if I don't agree with it. She said she's gonna give him about 3 months to see what happens. If Jason is effected negatively she said she's going to reopen the case. I'm trying to stay as positive as I can that everything works out.

Mike--
First of all, bless you. If only every boy in Jason's situation had a stepdad like you.

That said, take a deep breath. Fathers matter, even when they're far from ideal. They always and forever matter even if you get the court on your side. It's important for you to stay as neutral as you can about Tom so that Jason can comfortably come to his own conclusions. Which he will. I know, this can be very hard...we're talking about a young boy. But try. Your maturity will pay off in the long run. Kids aren't blind, they see who is there for them and who isn't.

A way to guarantee continued conflict is to spend a lot of energy getting everyone to agree with you--Angie and Tom. Signing over parental rights may sound like a solution, but it's not. As hard as it is to accept, when you marry someone with children from a previous marriage they are "children from a previous marriage". Which says absolutely nothing about the wonderful relationship you can put together with Jason. That you can manage and it sounds like you're doing beautifully.

Marrying someone with a child from a previous marriage is a package deal. Tom's part of the deal whether he's in the picture once a week or once a year.

Angie has to deal with Tom. Your temptation is going to be to lay guilt and pressure on her or criticize her efforts with Tom. A sweet surprise is when you can say, "Honey, I have confidence in you." If you don't,that's a problem.

Jason sounds like such a great kid and who wouldn't want to save him from pain? You have a big heart. Let all your focus to making you and Angie and Jason a great family. You can be a great family and have a less than perfect father still out there.

I hope these ideas help. I'm a step-parent and I'd kick myself around the corner if I came across as criticizing you. I'm glad the forum gives you a place to let go. Let'er rip. We're listening.