BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Stepchildren, what can I do?

I feel for you, my stepchildren just refuse to acknowledge me. They treat me as if I do not exist. I have been married for two years and the youngest is now 17 years. He has not spoken to me since I moved in after we were married. I love my husband very much and really want my marriage to work. I feel that he rewards their behavior because I am not allowed to go if they go out as a family because the youngest will not go if I go. My husband is trying to help him but I feel he is really hurting him by allowing him to behave that way. Their mother died four years ago and the youngest was very close to his mother. Human emotions are so complicated, and I feel that he could use some counseling, however my husband does not feel the same. It is really hard to set back and watch my husband allow his children to control him with their grief. But who am I to say that maybe he knows his children better than I and he has to do things his own way. I just want to find the spirtual strength to endure. I feel myself building up resentment and anger and I know that these emotions are just destructive to me. I need to get outside of myself and pray for the Lord to enlighten me as to how I can help my husband and his children, it is just so hard to get to that point. Is there anyone out there that has found the strenght to overcome and find chirstlike ways to handle their situation and was able to resolve some of the problems they were faced with regarding their stepchildren.

I think your husband has to take a stand for you. Until he does I am not sure you can say or do anything that will fix things. I will pray for you.

Thank you for your reply. I feel so discourage because we have argued about that very thing. I was a single mother of four, I raised my children and actually lost one child to a sudden death due to an enlarged heart. My first marriage ended because my husband was having an affair with a good friend of mine. I was along for 13 years, by choice, because I thought it would be really hard for anyone to adjust to that many personalites. I really want my marriage to work, but I really do not know how much more I can take. He thinks I just want him to spend all his time with me, I just want him to tell his children that I am his wife and they should treat me with respect.

In all fairness to my husband is very giving to me and very loving, this is the only real issue we have. I just do not know how to make him see what he is doing to me on this issue. He thinks it will get better as the children grow up, but I don't think that it will. Maybe I am just being negative. I know that the Lord can show us things about ourselves that we just do not see. I also know we are suppose to have patience with each other faults, so I have to ask myself, how long should I be patience.

Lanie,

Since you just stated that your husband is very loving, please try, as hard as it may be to detach from this step parenting situation. Your husband is correct that the children will grow up. Maybe it won't be the way you want it, but if you let it go, you will at least have your husband. You can be happy even if he does things in ways you don't like with his children, they are his children. You will be fine. Find a way to detach from it, you don't have to be walked on, but find away that you can live with it, because you will not be able to change your husband. In fact if you manage to, he will resent you for it.

(((((hugs))))

My heart's going out to you, Lanie. I had a similar situation, years ago, with a troubled, teenaged stepchild who lived with us temporarily (3 years). I went to an older woman to ask advice, and it worked. She told me that even though my concerns were right on target, my continual need to force the issue was causing my husband to be blinded to things the child was doing and to his own behavior. Kind of like I was waving a flag in front of his face that was distracting him from the real issues. She told me to physically and emotionally pull myself out of the picture in a respectful way. It broke the cycle of tug-of-war in terms of making my husband feel like he was stuck in the middle and had to choose sides. It took time, but sure enough, my husband began to see things for himself without my interference. What I did in the meantime was pray and ask God to bring order, harmony, peace, healing and wisdom to each of us. My own heart was softened, and I began to see things from their perspective -- something I couldn't do until I stepped away. It took months, so be patient, but the changes will come. You can't change others, but you can take a look at how your feelings/attitudes/behaviors may be contributing to the problem.

Do you all live together? If you only have to deal with them once in a while, maybe you can just let it go. Everytime they are rude just walk away. If they leave you out of a "family" night don't let it get to you. Take some me-time and relax. Believe me I get it. I know it hurts your feelings. BUT is it worth the problems to force them to let you into their lives? Most of all don't let them take a great husband away from you! Just look at him, think "I love this man!" ,and be glad you have him.

Thank you for your advice. I will certainly give it a try. It is really nice to hear from someone who has" Been there done that". I think it best that I do try and detach myself from the situation and put my focus on my husband. It will not be easy because the youngest still lives at home and the married daughter comes home just about every weekend. ( She just lives few hours away) and she is very possessive of her father. Thank you again.